I love rainy nights in Montreal and I especially love the theatre nearby that programs horror movie double features all through out October.
The place is really run down but has a charm to it. It has old blue curtains, aisles lined with french film stars from the past that I never recognize and instead of trailers they play random Quebec commercials from the 1960’s that are often unintentionally hilarious.
But the main reason I go is they have excellent film pairings at an unbeatable price. It was just last week that I saw Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight followed by John Carpenter’s The Thing.
However, as I walked to the theatre I noticed that the billboard reads “Bride of the Re-Animator & Shazaam”.
…
Shazaam?
First of all, I am pretty sure they meant to spell it “Shazam”. Second of all ,that is a super hero movie not a horror film.
So I speak with the lady at the ticket booth, inquiring all about the film until she begins to get frustrated with me insisting it is something else. I realize I am beginning to look as if I am trying to “anglo-splain” it to the french lady as I hold up the line in the rain. So I admit defeat, pay my five dollars and step in.
The theatre is half full and half drunk. A mix of a crowd with only a couple weirdos in the backrow wearing dark suits and strange glasses (maybe they think the film is in 3D). Anyways I cozy up in a second row seat as the old commercial reels play.
The first film zips by and is a blast. It’s not as good as the first Re-Animator but it’s fun and a perfect choice for a double feature. There is a brief intermission. I go buy a drink and a chocolate bar and sit back in my seat.
And then it begins…
No credits. Black & white. It is a single shot of a building. It looks like a town hall of some sort with its doors locked. The windows are covered in bars and in between them you can see lots of people on the inside that look horrified.
It is difficult to make out but they all seem to have their fingers covering their lips as if both begging and reminding each other for silence. Some of them covering the mouths of children. I swear some of them seemed to be looking directly at the camera as if they were begging us to be quite also.
Then infront of the locked door Sinbad appears. Now I know little about his comedy (or film career for that matter) but my understanding of him was that he was a lighthearted comedian. But this was not the case…
He stood in a finely tailored suit with no smile and began his “act”. Perhaps this was some kind of alternative comedy thing but he told no jokes. It was more of a lecture. And a really odd one at that.
I can’t properly describe what he said but it was like a mixture of ranting about space and time along with odd religious sounding chants. The strangest part was he would pause for laughter breaks. In which the people presumably trapped inside would laugh hysterically.
This went on uninterupted for about twenty minutes until a drunk girl in the front row yelled out in french “With an act that bad no wonder he needs a captive audience”. Everybody in the theatre laughed. It honestly wasn’t even that funny but it helped relieve the bizarre tension of whatever the fuck this movie was supposed to be.
And then my heart stopped.
Because Sinbad stopped his “act”. And his eyes stared directly at the camera, slowly moving to exactly where this girl sat.
And he said “Francoise Marie”. That is it. All I could hear was a kind of shriek/gasp from the girl infront of me. It was as if he spoke directly to her but that couldn’t be real could it?
Unfortunatly, that wasn’t the only scream of the night. Because just after he spoke the building began to burn. And the people trapped started screaming and trying to break the windows behind him. But they were not just begging to be freed but cursing “Francoise Marie” and in seemingly specific ways. About her address… about her child….
The theatre went silent as the crowd behind him began cursing louder and louder at her as more distinction grew in which of them were burning alive and which of them were about too.
And then something truly unexpected happened. The crowd in the theatre began to scream at the girl awell and they too knew specifics about her. Her divorce. Her kids name. How her father (Howard) died etc.
And my friends, I am embarrassed to say it but Sinbad was absolutely right. Who the fuck does she think she was anyways? Heckling someone like Sinbad.
I was so mad; like never before in my life. And you could feel it throughout the room. The madness. The madness that was all her fault.
People started throwing their drinks and food at her. But no this wasn’t enough. She had to learn a lesson, her kid too. The same one her father learned. I hope he is in hell. He died trying to save someone who was drowning lol. What a joke.
As she ran past me I grabbed some of her hair and ripped it out. But it wasn’t enough. I knew it. Sinbad knew it. Even the couple weirdos who were still sitting calmly in the back with the glasses knew it. And so did her father in hell I am sure.
I began to chase her with the crowd. She tripped half way up the aisle covered in blood. As I sprinted I remembered praying that I could be the one to choke her to death. Choke her ugly mouth with her uglier hair. Infront of Sinbad. Infront of Sinbad as he finally started smiling while the screams in the film reached their blood curtling peak. But her screams were only beginning to simmer, beginning to simmer just before the boil… And what happens after something boils? Why you eat it of course. Every single bit…
However, out of all the oddities of that night one still remains. It doesn’t seem to have happened… yet we all remember it exactly the same. But there seems to be no proof of the movie, the riots or the girl for that matter. In fact, I pride myself as someone who can recollect nearly anything to a tee. I remember recall the screams, the blood, the chocolate, the taste…
My friends, if there is one thing I pride myself on more than my memory is my respect for the theatre. Therefore, I won’t give all the details of the ending (and I realize it may be polarizing to some) but let’s just say you had to be there.