I and my dad moved to a different, semi-urban city after we’ve had some problems in our older house. A long, grueling year has passed since my brother committed suicide, but thanks to my dad’s help and assurance, I could keep myself afloat in the ocean of despair. However, I was still a miserable being who couldn’t function properly because I was cripplingly depressed and needed medication to survive. Until couple of months ago, my life changed significantly.
For the last few months, I have been hearing my brother’s voice from inconspicuous places, from hall, living room, and even from my father’s bedroom, asking me to get a bottle of soda from fridge or telling me what game I played today. Even though I knew that he is dead and these voices are not real, I simply panic and sometimes cry. This happened multiple times to the point I would just crawl in my bed and wonder if he came back as a ghost to haunt me for the rest of my life. I usually calmed down and sat back to my desk, trying to continue studying or just listen to music in my bed until I fall asleep.
A week ago, I was riding a bike at a park close to my house, and decided to rest in the grass. The sun was hiding under the clouds and the gushing wind made me fall asleep. Then, I had a nightmare where I was drowning in an ocean before I woke up to an intense rain in the middle of summer. I immediately returned to home but I couldn’t avoid catching a flu. However, I was going to have it worse.
Last night, I did something I shouldn’t have done, but it felt like it was the right thing to do. My brother was an avid fan of pianists, so my dad bought him a piano. He would occasionally practice his skills, and I would accompany him to give feedback. After he passed away, my dad brought it to our new home because one of his friends wanted to buy it, but he kept bringing excuses for reasons I am not aware of. Then my dad put the piano in the basement, which then he proceeded to forget about it. I was furious, how dare he would put the piano, my brother’s treasure, into the darkest place in the house and forget about it? My heart was already broken from thinking about these too much. So, I decided to go to basement to play it. I was not sleepy; however, my eyes were bloodshot from the stress I accumulated for the last few days.
So, I walked. I knew that this was not a good idea, but we all do things we don’t want to, and this was not an exception. It was a cloudy night so it was a bit hard to see. Eventually I came to the door of the basement. I felt as if my whole body was being crushed between two anvils, I was sweating like a river. I hesitated for a moment, however there was no going back now. I didn’t want to look behind because I was afraid of confronting something I was not ready yet. After standing there for a good while, I opened the door. It was even darker, like the dark corners of space, or even like an astronaut drifting to a void in space. I slowly walked the stairs, being ready for a monster to jump at me and end my life. That did not happen, strangely I was at peace. There was no noise, no annoying voices, just pure silence.
After sitting at the stairs, enjoying the silence until my eyes adjusted to darkness, I saw the piano in all of its glory. Some places were bruised and there was a lot of dust everywhere but, it was as good as ever. I sat down, my whole body, especially my hands were shaking. Then I got emotional, but this was not the place to cry. I knew what I had to do. So, I played what he loved the most, Gymnopédie No.1. I did my fair share of training with him, and this was one of the only pieces I knew how to play.
As I played it, I could feel something manifest behind me. I definitely did not see what it was, nor I dared to peek at it. I just played as it stared at me from the depths of darkness. However, the more I played it, the closer it got to me. I just played the piano, like an invitation for it. Then, it spoke:
“Sister.”
I stopped. I was not ready for this. I did not want to cry. I bit my tongue to stop myself from crying, however I couldn’t stop myself from tearing up. Then, he sat next to the piano stool, right next to me. I did not want to face him, because I was afraid of seeing something I did not want to. I did not want to see his hateful eyes again. I did not want to see him cry again. I did not want to see myself in his eyes. Simply, I held my hands between my legs and kept my eyes shut like a guilty prisoner. I could feel him staring at me, but I was not ready to look at him. Then, he spoke again:
“It is my turn then.”
I was surprised, and in a sense amused, to hear my brother playing piano after a long time. However, I still averted my eyes from looking at his face. Instead, I looked at his arms, which was shining like a beacon in basement’s darkness. I calmly listened to him playing Gnossiennes No.3. He was calm and did not hesitate in any note. I felt relaxed in his presence, I could feel every negative feeling leaving my body like a flowing water. I mustered enough courage and for a moment peeked at his face. He gave all of his attention to the piano, and he was not hateful nor sad. He was happy.
I did not look away until he finished his piece. Then, the moment I waited for so long came. We both looked at each other in content. I felt happy, after a long time of crippling depression, I was finally happy again. This time, I spoke:
“Would you like to play with me, brother?”
He nodded, and as if we unanimously decided in our minds, we played Gnossiennes No.5 in unison. After playing it for so long, I got intensely emotional. After not seeing my brother for so long, and now playing piano with him, gave me feelings that I could neither explain nor have the courage to talk about it. We finished playing it but I was tearing up again. My brother seeing this, he held my hand and said:
“I am glad to have such a strong sister like you. Thank you for being with me.”
I could not hold myself anymore, I surrendered myself to my emotions and cried for a long while. While crying, I got really exhausted and my tiredness won over me. I woke up to sun setting from the small window and looked at the piano. Everything was in place, except my brother.
Since then, I stopped hearing voices and seeing things. I would like to think that my brother’s spirit has helped me to keep me going, otherwise I might not have survived that night.
As a final note, remember that you are not alone and thank you for reading.