For context me and my brother were close growing up, neither of us spoiled. However we grew up fairly poor and often scrapped by. My brother had mild favoritism because he was older and the first grandchild of my grandparents. He was good at wrestling and planned on joining the army, and his grades were wonderful. All I had going for me was softball. My grades fell because my parents didn’t help me at all and it showed. No one paid mind to this because I had clothes on my back and barley food on the table.
My grandparents helped all of her grandchildren with school supplies and clothes. Once me and brother as children (around 8 for him 5 for me) he started suggesting porn videos for us to watch. I never saw it as a problem but as we got older the more he would make moves on me. When I was 11 he touched me a lot more inappropriately. I thought it was normal and never told anyone because he told me so.
Once he was in highschool he got a girlfriend and quit touching me and then did I start telling friends about it. I realized how wrong it was and how bad I felt because I never said no because he had a bad temper and often choked me in anger. Once I hit middle school I had a bisexual awaking and got a girlfriend. I lied and told my parents she was a friend so that she could spend the night.
We often caught him watching us if we made out or was cuddling etc. he had a girlfriend yet was still watching. I grew more anxious over the years and that wasn’t helping. One day I told my parents that I would be home by 4pm after hanging with my girlfriend, but her brother and sister in law had other plans that they didn’t tell us.(her parents had died bc of drugs) well my parents sent my brother to come get me by force. We weren’t there and on his way back to our home he got into a wreck.
This wreck legally is his fault only because he was dead and couldn’t defend himself. However the investigators state that the other car had crossed the line and hit him. Hell she even admitted to being on her phone but the police didn’t care. She didn’t press charges (assumingly out of guilt) and that was that. When me and my girlfriend were heading back to her house we saw the wreck. It was dark out but we saw a truck wrecked and some light blood as the got directed around the scene.
We joked about how some people can’t drive and how much of an idiot they are. I get home and no one’s there but the cars are still there. I found out it was my brother through a friend and start having a melt down but I didn’t cry until my parents came home hours later and seeing them crying confirmed it. I tried so hard to be better and push the past traumatic memories away. My family praises who he was without knowing who he was.
I hold onto every thing he’s done to me and others away from my family to not start anything. But I can not stand to hear about him or hear him being praised, I told my aunt eventually because I snapped on her. She said she’s sorry about it and wants me to tell her about it to help me heal. I still vividly remember him touching me and the time he cut a hole in a box and made me watch him have intercourse with it.
I remeber the things I saw in our shared room and everything he’s said. I feel awful for resenting him even though he’s passed and gone and my therapist has told me that I needed to get over it because he’s dead (in her words) and he can’t hurt anyone anymore. I told my boyfriend once and he threw in my face once while drug but immediately felt bad and did everything to make up for it.
You guys have said grief never goes away. I don’t know if I believe that but I spend nights thinking about it in anger. I have harmed myself over this and much worse. Even moving to Ohio states away from home things here still haunt me.