The voices are maddening. As I’m sitting on this contemporary shit sofa, thinking something other than the voices is challenging.
'’Grab the dullest one. To ease your angst. Repeatedly.’’
'’You know that you are trapped. You’ll miss them at first but then you’ll feel free.’’
I need to drown the sounds. Full volume quickly. Ah Molde scored another one, c’mon fans shout louder.
'’You hate them with all your heart. Was it your decision to marry and have kids ?’’
’’ Your sacrifire will be appreciated.’’
I’m exhausted. I always tried to be good man for my family. A gentle husband for my wife, a thoughtful father for my boy.
’’ That indolent shit. 8 years old but still can’t read. Your seamen hands’ll be enough to cut his redundant breaths.’’
Shut up.
'’Dinner’s ready honey, can you bring Sofie.’’
Sofie, our six months old baby girl. My dear Sofie, my precious. All I did were to build a future for you. I became seaman to make good money for your future. I spent endless days at the endless seas. I forgot the feel of oxygen due to exposing diesel all the time. I was that guy, a man who doesn’t stray from his path, a hardworking father trying to prepare a future for his babygirl in swaddling.
’'’Just what we need. Very fresh, very pure. You’ll be rewarded Jakob.’’
I shouldn’t have joined to the last cargo job to Jerusalem. No matter how modern the world has become, how far technology has advanced, the sea always has its own soul and fears. Last time, due to some political reasons, we couldn’t step on land. The first mate had stated that we could be needed to stay here for some time. Because in order for the ship not to lose its seaworthiness, six crew members were required. The six crew members most in need of money remained on board. ITF took the rest to nearest, safe harbor.
In the first days, not being able to land was not a problem other than boredom. But days became weeks, weeks became months. In the middle of the Eastern Mediterranean sea, far away from the home. You and your darkest desires, secrets.
Were the voices from the deep sea calling out to me, or was it a trick my mind was playing on me? I had missed my daughter’s birth, but did I care? I didn’t want children. I didn’t even want marriage. But I got dragged to this life, wasn’t my wife a little guilty? Sometimes everything should not be as it should be. We could just had sex, travel the world, living carelessly. But no, we needed to get married, have kids, have proper job. We needed to know our responsibilities, then fucking rot in a coffin. I was drowning in my own thoughts.
The air on the ship was getting heavier day by day. Apart from eating fish every day, afraid of running low of water, reckoning with himself, the crew was trapped in the middle of the vast blue. There were six people on board, but it was as if the gloom of thousands was upon us.
First we found chief engineer Emil in his room. He had drowned in his own blood. Nobody said anything to each other. Really, when did we stop talking? First, we took out the knife that went into his throat and came out of his neck. We then put his lifeless body at the bottom of the freezer. The captain seized the knife with the bull symbol on its hilt. It’s the same symbol I saw in the mess hall. Or in the engine room. Or in the corridors.
'’The Lord who saves us from the sorrow and despair. Your dream makes us stronger, keeps us alive, let us serve you.’’ the cook Stefan had been muttering for days. He wasn’t cooking though, only wandering aimlessly on the ship. God knows what day it was, we found Stefan lifeless on the deck. He had an empty glass bottle in his hand. Diesel oil was dripping from his mouth. The captain ordered us to retire to our cabins. That night a flame blazed on the deck, the captain had burned Stefan’s body. He was our youngest.
I was looking at the sea on a night I forgot what day it was. That night I heard the voices for the first time. The voices were convincing, soothing. First they said that everything will be alright, that Lord is with us. I tried to hide the dark thoughts in the smoky rooms of my mind from them, it didn’t help. They knew me. It’d be nice to live an irresponsible life again. They knew of my desire. I wasn’t delirious, I was completely myself, like now.
’’ The Lord’s waiting, Jakob. Didn’t he give you purpose, a path to carefree life.’’
’’ Bring the offering. Obliterate the rest.’’
I know the dullest knife in the house. At the drawer, right next to our bed. But which one is the first ? Does it matter ? I don’t think so.
I’m closing my eyes. I never wanted this life. I couldn’t help myself wanting to run away from responsibilities. But they helped. Now I owe the lord. It’s time to go back to the sea.
Sofie will be coming with me soon. to Jerusalem. to Hail Moloch.