The sin that cannot be forgiven (part 1)
“Are you paying attention, Anna?”
I was jolted from my daze by my teacher’s voice. The other students’ eyes pierced me like daggers. Eyes that judged me, hated me, bullied me, but I did not care about any of their feelings, I did not care as long as I was loved by my God.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was praying, I’m very sorry.” I muttered, my cries for forgiveness barely audible to the teacher.
“It’s okay Anna, just try to pay attention.” the teacher said, her voice turning soft and reassuring.
Laughter could be heard throughout the classroom, but it did not bother me, I was glad to be here, to be in the perfect world my God had created for me.
“I will.” I finally replied but my eyes weren’t on my teacher, neither was my mind, those things were never on anything but my God. Staring past my teacher, I clasped my hands tight in prayer, praying as I stared at my God before me.
“Anna, those kids dislike you,” my God’s voice entered my ears as I walked home.
“I don’t mind, afterall, you created them too.” I replied cheerfully. My God didn’t speak much yet they were always with me, floating near me with their long, pure, white wings. Even as the being floated, my God’s wings never moved, the beings mouth was constantly moving, chanting words that could not be heard and when the being spoke, it’s words did not match the movements of their mouth. The God had long white legs that were bent to touch the beings stomach. It’s entire body was pale and skinny, with long arms that ended in sharp claws. The being’s face was one that truly seemed devine and the being could be defined as the word beauty itself.
When we arrived home, my mother had already prepared my meal. Taking my seat at the table, I lifted her hands to pray….
Anna’s mother couldn’t stand it, her daughter prayed and prayed, day after day, wasting her time on a forfeit being. She did not believe in God; afterall, if there was a God, her husband would not have died that day. This false deity was filling Anna with false hope, she had to let Anna know the truth of this cruel world, she had to let Anna know that there was no omnipotent being that could protect them and save them from their pitiful lives. She would tell Anna that her God was not real!
I continued to pray, whispering my words softly and patiently. Each word savored on my tongue before being let out to reach my God. I loved my God, they had saved me, saved me from all of my sufferings. Afterall, with God comes eternal peace.
Everytime I prayed, my God would glow brighter, as if absorbing my words of thanks. Praying was the least I could do for my God since they had always been there when I needed them the most. I would always pray, but no matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I did for her God, I would never be able to repay my debt, so I would continue.
I noticed my mother had already begun to eat without her prayers. I realized I never saw mother pray and would often hear mother scream curses at God. Why did she do this? Couldn’t she see just how beautiful God was? I could not understand. How could anyone not believe in God?
“Mom, you have to pray,” I begged her as my hands clasped even tighter, tight enough to make my hands turn pale and fingers swell purple. “Pray with me mom, let’s pray together okay?” I would help my mother realize the mistakes in her actions, I would make my mother holy too. She had to pray, she had to thank God, otherwise who would protect her, who would forgive her of her sins?
“Mom-” I muttered, but mother only looked at the ground in anger.
Anna’s mother could not stand this any longer. She knew Anna had felt guilt for what she had done, she knew why Anna created this false God, so she had to be the one to save her daughter from these lies, she had to tell Anna that her God was not real! “Can’t you see Anna, why won’t you wake up?” Her mother’s words were harsh.
“What do you mean, mom?” my hands were squeezing tighter and tighter together as disbelief flooded my face. My eyes wandered to my God, desperately searching for the truth.
“There is no God!” my mother finally screamed at her.
She was wrong, she was lying. There was a God, there had to be a God. My eyes darted around the room in disbelief until my gaze finally met my God, but something wasn’t right, my God was vanishing, flickering in and out of existence as if they may have never been there in the first place, as if they were only apart of the my imagination
“You’re wrong!” I screamed back, my hands only tightening more in prayer, forming black rings around my fingers from the pressure, “You have to be wrong! If my God isn’t real, if they truly are fake, then what the hell have I been doing all this time!”
There was a God, there had to be a God, otherwise who would protect me, who would save me from my sins, who would grant me peace? Mother was wrong, mother had to be wrong. my God was here, my God was with me ever since father had died, my God was the only being that could forgive me! Tears began to stream down my face, tears filled with grief, my God must have been disappointed in me for letting my belief falter, I had not been a good servant.
“I’m sorry, God.” I whispered, “I will never disbelieve in you again.”
Her God only watched her, their flickering finally stopped as Anna regained her belief. They would not let her mind sway again, they had to protect her belief or they would cease to exist. They needed each other, Anna and her God. Her God needed Anna so they could remain in this world, and Anna needed her God to forgive her for her sins and provide her hope, even if it was false. Nothing would ever separate them again.
Anna’s mother felt pity for her daughter, her daughter who created a fake God for her own reassurance. Anna believed that by creating this God, that by having someone to beg to for forgiveness, that her sins of that day could be forgotten, but they would never be forgotten and would live with her forever as a reminder of why her father died. Anna’s mother couldn’t allow Anna to fill her soul with lies, she had to save her, she had to do something, but she did not know what to do.
When night had finally arrived, I began my nighttime prayers. Kneeling beside my bed, I clasped my hands shutand began to pray. Praying for minutes, for hours, until my hands and knees were red. I didn’t notice my God leaving me for a small time, and I didn’t notice my God entering my mother’s room, my mind and thoughts were focused only on her prayer.
Her God had to silence Anna’s mother, if she continued to make Anna unfaithful, if she continued to get in their way, then they would soon disappear. Slowly, their left wing moved, lifting the woman’s head to reveal her neck. No, they would not kill her yet, as that would sadden Anna, they would only silence her. The God’s wing moved up to the woman’s mouth, before swiftly slicing it open and removing her tongue. They would not kill her, as it would not please Anna, however her mother had no reason to speak any longer. Anna’s God covered the woman’s screams before putting her back to sleep and stopping the blood. Now no one would get in their way.
Anna’s mother couldn’t speak anymore, the only sound she could omit was a low mumble, but it didn’t bother Anna since now her mother couldn’t fill her head with lies. The girl’s God was shining even brighter than ever and seemed much more powerful. Anna would continue to pray to her God, praying until her last breaths, maybe one day the girl would finally be forgiven for her father’s death.
It was three years ago, when me and my father were driving home from school. I was younger then, more foolish then, but those excuses could not forgive me for what I had done. I had begged my father to let me sit in the front seat, even though I was not the right age to, but after whining, my father allowed me the seat. I did not know that these doors were not child proof, I did not know that these doors could be opened while they were driving, so as they headed on the freeway, minutes away from home, my hand slowly pulled the car door’s handle.
It was such a beautiful day, that day, a beautiful day that became the darkest day of my life. my door flung open as I screamed and struggled to hold on to the car door, my body nearly scraping the road below me. In the panic my father’s foot stepped on the petal even harder as he struggled to pull me back into the car. He was not worried for anyone’s safety except for his daughter’s. My father would not let me go, his strong grip pulled my dangling body back to my seat as he slammed the door shut.
“That was close,” my father chuckled, staring at me with his gentle and forgiving face, but I was not staring at him, I was staring at the road ahead of them, the road that they had begun to drift off from.
“Dad!” I screamed but it was already too late, we crashed into a tree at 60 mph. I could remember the look on my father’s face well, the kindness turning to complete terror in a fraction of a second, all because of my foolish mistake. I remembered the blood all over his body as we hit the tree and remembered how I didn’t even get a scratch. It was at that crash that my God had first appeared and protected me, causing me to not be harmed, but why hadn’t my God protected my father instead?
My hands clasped tighter and tighter. Why was I remembering this now? Why were these memories still torturing my soul? I began to pray even more and more, trying to distract my thoughts from those fateful events. I looked at my God, staring at the perfect being allowed all of my emotions of sadness and distress to instantly fade away.
They were following me after school, some of the children from my class. Walking slowly behind me, watching me, snickering at me, but I couldn’t understand why. I had never done anything wrong to them, I had never bothered them, so why did they all hate me? Slowly, I raised my hands to begin another prayer. Praying for these children to leave me alone, praying for their safety, and finally praying for my forgiveness. I didn’t even notice the other children slowly getting closer to me, slowly approaching me until they were close enough to grab me, so I was shocked when I felt someone grab my wrist and gasped at the sudden touch.
“Hey, Anna,” one of the boys chuckled as his grip on my wrist tightened, “Who are you praying to?”
My eyes widened. What did they want, why couldn’t they just leave me alone? I only wanted to pray. “To my God,” I finally muttered.
The kids laughed at me, “What good will that do?” one said.
I didn’t understand what he meant. Praying will save you, it will forgive you, why could they not understand that?
“Why are you praying, Anna,” he repeated.
All of their eyes were staring at me, filled with anger, filled with rage, they all needed to be saved.
“I pray to be forgiven,” I spoke, “I pray to be loved, and most of all I pray to be saved-”
The other children burst out in laughter, mocking my words.
“Who would ever love you?”
“To be forgiven for what?”
And finally, “Who’s going to save you now?”
Their taunts only made my hands tighten in prayer. I tried to ignore their snickers, tried to keep their words out of my thoughts, but they tormented me. Why would my God forgive me? Why did my God love me? Would my God even save me! I did not deserve any of those things. My belief was beginning to falter, my soul tormented by their words. What God would love a sinner like me?
Her God had to do something, those children were making Anna’s belief sway, the being could feel their power being drained, they could feel Anna’s uncertainty grow. “Close your eyes, Anna.” her God spoke and Anna instantly obeyed. She kept her eyes closed, even when she heard the kids’ screams, she kept them closed even when she heard the cracking of bones. The girl would never open her eyes until her God told her to do so, and as her eyes were closed, Anna continued to pray, to strengthen her God, to let her God know that she would always believe in them.
“You may open them,” my God finally said and I opened my eyes to reveal I was at home, being carried by my God’s soft wings. They felt so warm yet powerful.
Slowly, I looked up at my God, “I love you.” I whispered and my God only glowed brighter.
Anna’s mother was waiting for her inside. She had to end this now, she had to stop Anna from believing in this false God. It would only hurt Anna as it had hurt her. She knew it was that false God that had made her unable to speak, it had silenced her to stop her from protecting her daughter. The being was no God, it was a demon!
Slowly, I walked into our house and I walked inside with my God at my side. Anna’s mother could see it now, she could see the false God that had deceived her daughter for so long. It’s long, pitch black wings and body, it’s red eyes that glowed too bright to stare at. The being was a demon and she had to stop it!
My mother reached her hand out to me, trying to lead me away from the being, but I did not reach back, I only looked at her mother in disgust.
“We don’t need you anymore,” I whispered, my wide eyes stabbing through my mother’s chest, hurting the woman’s soul, “goodbye, mom.”
My mother’s words were only mumbles that escaped her body. Her cries to save her daughter were inaudible as she struggled to speak to me, to show me that my God was no God at all. The demon began to glide towards my mother and she backed away in fear. The being cut through her eyes swiftly with their sharp wings.
My mother cried in pain, her hands covering her eyes as blood poured from them. However she could not give up, she had to save her daughter, even if it cost her life. Slowly, she began to crawl toward me, her hands stretched out, reaching for me. Even though she could not speak, her words still vaguely formed my name. “Anna.” she whispered as she finally felt my touch. Her mother felt happy, even if she would die like this, betrayed by her own daughter, she was happy to feel Anna’s touch one final time. Feeling the warmth of the daughter she couldn’t protect.
“Sorry, Anna.”
I shoved her off of me and watched as my God swiftly beheaded her. “Goodbye, mom,” I said again, but this time tears were streaming down my face. I could not understand why I was crying, I had done what I was meant to do, so why did this sadden me? It was my mother’s own fault, she had to die for her disbelief, so why did I feel bad, why did I feel as if a piece of me was missing? Hadn’t I done the right thing, wasn’t this what I was supposed to do? I believed what I did could not have been wrong and decided I would continue to get rid of those who got in my way with no remorse. I looked back at my mother one last time before leaving the house with my God, my hands tightened in prayer as we left.
my God was glowing even brighter.