I always thought of myself as being very close to my mom, yes we had some ups and downs but we were always close. In some ways I think I thought of myself as her best friend or her mine. Which is why when she died 2 years ago of unknown causes I was incredibly devestated. The coroner could never give us a definate answer, and that’s what made it even worse. It’s probably a story for another time but an unkown cause of death gave us more answers than none.
The heartbreak I felt was something I couldn’t get over for several months. I stayed holed up in my old bedroom for weeks replaying old voice messages, watching our shows and movies, and cried myself to sleep every other night. I’m sure this is fairly common but I dreamed about her alot. The first time I was surrounded by a white light and just heard my mother “I’m not dead” “I’m not dead” over and over until I woke up. I had other dreams too, nothing too crazy just being with her, her being with family and dead loved ones.
But the one that got me the most was when I started staying at my apartment again. I had to get back to work and my life, I couldn’t just lock myself away in closed room of despair (although I really wanted to sometimes). I would wake up a few times screaming, from what my partner described as a mix of fear and guilt. Then I would sleep talk, apologizing over and over. Thinking this was just something to do with my loss I mentioned it to my therapist saying it could be survivor’s guilt or just the grieving process which didn’t sit right with me.
Shortly on, I would start to sleep better almost deeper. I would picture myself swimming in an ocean of blackness. It was there I would have more realistic dreams of my mom. We would be at a bar or just talking or just exploring where ever our mind could take us. I don’t know how to describe it other than traveling through a mixure of heaven and memories. But this time I think I mentioned how I sometimes wish I could just stay there with her. That’s when things got almost too real, I felt myself being in a foggy trance, like I was going to wake up but I didn’t know whre. I thought I saw her grabbing my arms but I don’t remember, she looked so serious. Like I was under anesthesia and just now waking up.
I woke up, in my bed, gasping for air, as if I my body had chosen to just stop breathing entirely. I’m not sure for how long my body stopped. But the fact that my lungs felt empty told me it was a while. I still dream of here now from time to time but not quite as vivid as this.
I try not to think about this too often, but I can’t help wonder was she grabbing my arms or pushing me away? All I know is, if I didn’t wake up I think I would have been with her.