It had been two months since the accident. Where I lost everything. My wife Mia and our two children. I wish I had died with them, but fate had it, that I was the only one they could save. My family was buried under burnt rubble that had once been our house. It is unclear what caused the fire. Probably a cable. But whatever it was we noticed too late. I have been living with my parents since. They helped me gather myself during these horrible times.
Last week I decided to take a trip. Get away for a bit. I have been feeling better recently, but I just needed some time for myself. Before the birth of our children, Mia and I loved to travel up north to the alps. The mountains always provided such a calming ambience. The fresh air, nature, the sun. I knew it would have a soothing impact on me. Maybe I would even feel a bit closer to my family. Alleviate the pain.
I booked a room in a small hotel in Carinthia. Just across the border where I could still speak Slovenian with most people. Although my English is fine and my German is…enough, I still preferred to speak in my native tongue. I planned to stay for a week. I did not have much planned. I spent my first two days hiking. It felt so relieving. There were barely any people and it was quiet. I walked slowly, taking in the scenery. The colourful flowers, the smell of spring grass, the chirping of the birds. Yes, for a while there I felt at peace. Like the grief that had plagued me for these long two months was finally waning. I started to pray again. I am a religious person after all. And so was Mia. Although I was christian and she was jewish. Still, our religious lives were never separate.
But the fire certainly made me question some of my beliefs. It wasn’t until last week that I tried to connect with the Almighty again. He must have a plan after all. A plan that I cannot understand. And a plan I did not like. But a plan. And things will turn out good in the end.
On the third day, when I got to bed, I could not sleep. I was thinking about to much. Far too many things troubled my mind. The calmness of the last few days was gone and the sorrow came back and I cried. I cried for a good few minutes. Then I started to pray again. I only wanted one thing. To be with them again. Does not matter how.
An hour later, I still couldn’t sleep. I was just lying there. Awake. However now, my mind was empty. I looked outside the window. I could see the lights of the city and the moon shining above. The sky was clear. I don’t know why I decided that that would be a good idea, but I wanted to take a night walk. All the way up to the top of the mountain. I packed water and food and got on my way.
Walking at night was even quieter than in the day. Besides the occasional owl or the insects you could barely hear anything. As I was walking, I became really tired. But I did not want to turn back now. After a good two hour walk the trees slowly gave way to the meadow. A bit of a breeze came up and it was getting colder. I got higher and higher and the path got thinner. I got so high that I began to see snow. Meanwhile the wind grew stronger. I was freezing but I did not turn back.
And then, I was nearly at the top, it began to snow. But there were no clouds in the sky. I could see the stars clearly. In fact they were clearer than I had ever seen them. They were bigger and brighter and maybe even more. It seemed like they were looking down on me.
The snow on the ground became deeper and I stopped walking. I felt something. Some sort of presence. I looked up into the night sky again. Now the stars were even brighter. As bright as the moon. I turned around and behind me I noticed a dark human shape. In shock I stumbled back a bit.
The person came closer. They were clothed in a heavy black winter jacket and their face was hidden by a hood. In fact I am pretty sure there was no face. Just darkness.
Then I heard a deep voice call my name: “Jacob!”
It was like it came from all around me. I was looking at the strange person but I felt like I was looking at the entire mountain. Like the being in front of me was much more than I could see.
“Who are you?”, I shouted through the wind. “You wish to see them again? Those that you lost?”, the voice asked. In confusion and fear I did not really know what to say. “Your prayers. You came into my home and you prayed that you may see them again.” I wasn’t really sure what was happening. “I…I…yes? I prayed to God…”
“You came to my home. In these mountains. I do not think anyone else heard you.” I didn’t say anything. Who was this? Some sort of spirit? “Do you want me to grant your wish?”, the being asked. I hesitated. “You can bring them back?” “I cannot bring them back. But I can show you where they are.” I slowly nodded. “Good. Then I will send you to Heaven.”
I looked up into the sky again. The stars seemed to be moving towards me and began to move in strange patterns. It was a bit dizzying so I looked down again. But all I saw was more stars. They moved faster and faster. I screamed, but I could not hear anything. The stars began to move so fast, that I couldn’t even make them out anymore. Everything around me was just flickering lights. Then it got hot. And I mean really hot. So hot as if every Atom in my body just fell apart. Hotter than the inside of a star. Hotter than anything in the universe. It lasted for only a very short amount of time. So short that even a second would feel like an eternity. Still I felt it.
I don’t know how much time had passed when I woke up again. I was lying in a field of grass. Above me was a blue sky with a few clouds and the sun. Or at least a sun. I was pretty disoriented. The field stretched as far as I could see. There were a few trees here and there. Flowers as well. But it was far from the alpine scenery I was in just a few moments ago. It was also very quiet. I walked to one of the trees and touched it. It felt normal. Everything felt normal. Too normal. As if I had been here once. As if I was…home? But that couldn’t be. Where was this place even?
The entire place had something strange about it. It wasn’t off. It didn’t feel unreal. It was strange because it was real. And it felt real. Somehow more real than Earth. I walked around for a bit. There were animals here. Ants, bees, butterflies. I even saw some birds. Everything I saw was something I knew from Earth.
I don’t know for how long I walked. Hours, maybe a day even. Hard to say. The sun seemingly moved far slower here. I never got tired or exhausted. Nor was I hungry or thirsty. Only the environment got a bit boring after a while. Always the seemingly endless grass fields. Sometimes a hill. Sometimes a small patch of trees. But all in all, it stayed the same.
Then finally, I saw a building. It looked like a house next to a farm. It had a strange round shape. I looked inside the garden and I saw a woman. She looked towards me. “Ah Jacob. I was expecting you. Come in.” She opened the garden door. “Uh, hello.”, I said, “Where am I?” “Well did they not tell you?”, she asked. “By ‘they’ you mean that man in the mountains?” “Yes. They sent you here. The mountains. But you must have wanted it, otherwise they wouldn’t have done it.” “I…I did…The ‘mountains’ said they would send me to … to see my family.”
“Well then. Come in.” She went back inside and I followed her. The garden was full of plants. Flowers, Bushes, Trees. All sorts of fruits and vegetables. I followed her to the other side of the house to a little shed with a table and chairs outside. Inside the shed was what looked like a little bar. “Sit down.”, she said as she grabbed two glasses and filled them with juice. “So this is Heaven?”, I asked. “Well, kind of. But maybe not the sort of Heaven you think of. It is so much more than a human or even I could understand.”, she answered as she sat down, giving me one of the drinks. “But yes. Your family is here.” These words felt so good I can hardly describe it. “Really? Where are they?”
“One thing after the other.”, she laughed. “First I want to ask you, what do you think of this place? Do you like it here?” “It is quite peaceful. It seems safe. But it is a bit… monotonous. You know with grassfields as far as the eye can see. This building is the only thing standing out.”, I answered hoping to not offend her. “Oh you have not seen everything yet. This world is big. Far larger than yours. Infinite in fact. Most of what humans see is grass. All beings experience it differently. But you have not gone far enough. There are far more things further out. There are even towns and cities. One is not far from here. Just a twenty day long walk East.”
“Twenty days?”, I wasn’t sure if I misheard. As that was far to me. “Yes. Well unless you go in a straight line then it might take you millions of years. Space doesn’t work here like you know it.”, she grinned. I didn’t question that logic so I changed the topic: “So, who exactly are you? Some sort of guardian? Of Heaven?” She laughed. “No. I’m no guardian. I’m just a gardener. I do not come around much. Sometimes I meet a traveller. Often from one of the universes. Like you.” “Universes?”, I asked. She stood up again and walked over to me. “Come.” Then she grabbed my arm and suddenly we were somewhere completely else.
We were standing on a massive branch on an even more massive tree. I lost my balance for a second. All I could see were massive trees. There was no ground. Only more tree tops and trunks. There was also barely a visible sky. Around us were small lights. Like glowing dust. “See I told you. There are other things here as well. This forest is infinite. You can go inside but never come out. Well, with me you can don’t worry. Go up and down and you find more trees. No end to any of it.”, she explained as I tried to wrap my head around that. “I thought it took like forever to get from one point to another here?” “This forest was right behind you.” I think she meant the small bush.
“See these lights?”, she asked. “Yeah…they look a bit like…stars.” “They are not stars. We are far past the stars. These are Universes.” I took a step back in shock. “Don’t worry. You can’t harm them or anything. They are more like shadows.”
I looked at the dancing lights. So many of them. And they filled the entire forest. An infinite forest. In the backyard of some woman in the middle of nowhere. “Are you…”, I paused, “…God?” “No. I am a gardener, as I said. I do not create these Universes. They are just always here. Everywhere in the higher reality.”
Then she looked at me. “There is an infinite amount of them. And infinite copies of every universe. And infinite copies of you. And yes. Infinite copies of Mia and your children. Including all other people.”
I thought about that for a bit. “But none of them are my version. You said they are here. In Heaven!” “They are. They are just not people anymore. This place is where life comes from. All life. And sometimes it enters the Universes. But it always comes back.”, she said. “So then, where are they?”, I asked somewhat impatiently.
“Everywhere. They are now part of everything else. Part of life itself. They are still here. They can hear you. They can see you. But they do not know you. And have no body.”, she answered.
“Are they happy?”, I asked. “They cannot not be. There is no pain or suffering here. It is Paradise after all.”
I sat down. I had to process all of that. “You want to go home now?”, she asked. I nodded. I expected the same horrible journey that had brought me here in the first place. But instead I just woke up on the mountain again. It was still night but there was no wind anymore. No time had passed. The strange being had also left. I made my way down to the hotel and fell asleep immediately.