Ever since I was young, I’ve never been one to push back. It’s not that I don’t care or don’t want things; I just prefer that everyone be happy, that everyone gets along. I don’t like feeling that I could have done something to help and failed. I was so obedient as a child; my parents and teachers all loved to point me out to the other children as an example. That had its own repercussions. I don’t like to talk about them. But it made me feel good to know I was doing what I was supposed to do.
When I got older, things got more complicated. There were so many people who wanted things from me, conflicting things, sometimes different things from the same person. Not just teachers, but also friends and classmates, and then bosses and coworkers, and even lovers. For some reason, I always struggled with relationships. Sometimes I’d read advice that you should set boundaries, that you should stake out your space and stand up for yourself, but I just don’t see how that can work. If you love someone, you want them to be happy, don’t you? And if you don’t have what they want, you should try to get it for them, right?
I always changed so many things for my boyfriends. My hair, my clothes, my accent, my eyes, my teeth, my skin. I changed everything to make them happier, but they never were. It was never enough. I was never enough. And I worried; about them, about me, about what could possibly be wrong. They never stayed.
Until the last one. He stayed so much longer than the others, and what he wanted from me was so little, considering. I barely had to change at all. In fact, I almost never had to do anything; he liked it when I was silent. I learned that one fast. He liked me to be ready for him. He liked me to be waiting. He liked the quiet. He wasn’t very quiet himself; he was a doer, a real go-getter. He loved to do things, and I always thought he liked to do them to me especially. He was gone a lot, on long trips. I assume it was for work; he didn’t like it if I asked questions.
Then came the day when he took me on a trip. I went along, of course, even though I had a lot of work to do around the house. We drove for hours, all the way up the mountain. Then he wanted me to come on a hike, and even though I hadn’t brought proper shoes or a coat, I went just to make him happy. After a long time, after my feet were all blisters and cuts and my hair was a ragged mess that would take me hours to fix back the way he normally liked it, he finally told me to stop, that we’d arrived. I waited patiently for him to tell me what else he wanted, but he didn’t say.
I think I know, though. He cut my throat and laid me down on the ground. It’s clear he wanted me to stay here. I bled very obligingly, and when he started to look worried, I made sure to be very dead. He checked my wrist and I knew he’d be upset if I still had a pulse, but luckily he smiled and stood up. He cleaned his hands and his knife, and then he walked away. He didn’t call me to follow after, so I stayed. That’s what he wanted, I’m sure. My only hope for my lovers is that they are happy, that they are pleased with me, that I can give them what they want.
It’s peaceful here, in the forest, on the mountain. There are rains and fogs, and sometimes I hear animals pass by. They don’t come too near me, and if they did, they’d just want to leave again, so it’s easy to help them. Animals are simple, with simple needs and wants. Animals are easy. People are complicated. So it was a nice break, for a while.
But now it’s been a long time, a dreadfully long time. I don’t want to make a fuss. I don’t want it to be all about me and my feelings. But how can I know what he wants if he isn’t here to tell me? He hasn’t come back, and I’m getting so fearful that he might want something else from me. What if he’s unhappy? If he won’t tell me what he wants, how can I satisfy him?
Should I go find him? Should I make sure that this is truly what he wanted?
Perhaps he misses me. Perhaps he also would like the dark and the cold and the peace of the rain in the pine trees.
Perhaps I’ll go looking for him and bring him back, just so he can see for himself how good I’ve been.
Don’t you think that’s what he’d want?