I know it sounds crazy but PLEASE HELP ME!! I’ve seen so many people find help in this subreddit and honestly, this was my last resort. Everyone I know has told me that I’m crazy, that my pregnancy is going to my head, that I’m perfectly healthy. Every doctor has brushed me off as a maniac. But I know it. I know that I’m right.
I (32F) have been married to my husband, Jake (31M), for 5 years. We dated for 3 years before that. He has been the most perfect guy ever. He’s charismatic, wise, and has the most gorgeous smile ever. We live together, and about 8 months ago, I realised I was pregnant. Jake was way more excited than me, and I remember him taking me into his arms and telling me that being a dad was all he ever wanted.
I was excited too, of course. We’ve been trying for kids for YEARS, and honestly, I was beginning to think it would never happen. The news was like a gift from God if you believe in that kind of stuff. Anyway, ever since, Jake has been taking care of me. He has been extremely careful about everything. He makes every single meal, he is extremely gentle with every touch, and overall, he treats me like a queen.
The problem began when he started to get a little more restricting. When I wanted to go out with friends, he was always there with me to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. When I wanted to exercise, he would refuse. He would tell me that could hurt the baby. When I drank anything, even water, he had to make sure he was the one pouring it so I didn’t sneak alcohol in. He always wanted me in bed, watching TV, staying online, and sleeping.
Often times I would refuse and insist on some alone time to go out, but that made him unusually angry. He would scream at me to stay put. He never had a temper before this, and I think the repeated yelling is what drove me to insanity.
So while he went to pick up some groceries, I snuck out. (I know, it sounds crazy. Why does a grown woman have to sneak out of her own apartment?)
I went to my friend Mia’s house for some fresh air. Since Jake had the family car, I ended up walking. She lived in our neighborhood, so thankfully it wasn’t that bad. I turned off my phone, knocked on her door, and readied myself. It was the first time I’ve spoken to anyone without Jake around since my pregnancy. She and I talked, laughed, danced to music, and played games for what felt like hours. Eventually though, I had to go home. Mia drove me back, and the drive could not have been shorter.
Jake was, of course, furious. He questioned where I was, what I did, and why I couldn’t have taken him with me. He pushed me against the wall and called me so many names. I remember him gripping onto my throat with such force that I could barely breathe. My vision was blurry, and I began crying. He demanded I go to the doctor’s office the next day to ensure that the baby was healthy. I begged for him to let me go, and he eventually did. He was in shock at himself, and he avoided me the rest of the night.
The day after, he apologised. He told me he was angry and he never meant to lash out. Stupidly enough, I forgave him. He took me to the hospital to get checked. Nothing was out of the ordinary except for the fresh bruises lining my neck.
Then something unexpected happened.
The man I fell in love with resurfaced. It was like everything changed that night. No more yelling, no more anger. Everytime he hands me my drinks or my food, he gives me the sweetest smile. It’s like everything from the past few months have been nothing but a nightmare. My perfect husband came back.
But something even weirder has been happening lately. This time, it’s with me. I’m so tired all the time. I can barely move my body, and I sleep for almost 18 hours a day. I wake up, Jake feeds me some food and gives me something to drink, I watch TV and stay on the phone for a bit, then fall asleep again. I’ve been typing this single post over the span of a week, and I’m so glad he hasn’t noticed it in my drafts.
I know a lot of people are sleepy during pregnancy. I know motivation for things can go away randomly. But this? No one should be sleeping the entire day away. I’ve read so many articles, and nothing expresses tiredness like this. It feels artificial in a way. I don’t know if that makes sense. Typing this out has been exhausting and I’m only praying these words are coherent.
Additionally, the baby has been kicking and something about it feels off. Unnatural. You know how they say a mother always knows? I know something’s wrong.
Sometimes I feel something beyond kicking in my stomach. It feels like claws scratching my inner belly, and the pain wakes me up at random intervals. Jake has gotten so used to me waking up screaming that every time I wake up, he’s sitting on the edge of my bed, glass of water in hand. It’s been like this for the past few weeks.
A week ago — a few days before I started writing this post — when I was awake, I demanded to go to the hospital. He took me, but the doctor said nothing was wrong. The baby was healthy, and so was I. The blood work I requested came back normal. I voiced my concerns to my doctor and he looked at me as if I was clinically insane. He told me physical pain and tiredness is normal. He doesn’t understand.
Jake has been heavily monitoring my texts and notifications these days, so I can’t really tell my friends much. Even if I did, I feel as though they would laugh it off. I tried talking to my husband about it, but he simply stated that this is normal, that I’m just going through a hormonal change, and it’s taking a toll on my health.
But it’s more than that. I swear he’s poisoning me. I swear the thing brewing in my stomach is not my baby. A mother knows, and I know it.
I’m going to go back to sleep. I’ll edit this post when I wake up again. I hope someone can give me some advice. Any recommendations help.
Edit 1: Hi. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago. It’s been ten hours now, and I’m so grateful for all of the comments and suggestions. For everyone saying that this is abuse — I know it is. I want to seek help, but I’m too tired to do anything. I can’t get out of bed. I can move, but everything’s stiff and overall, I feel extremely weak. I want to escape, to run away, but I simply can’t get out of bed.
Calling a hotline is pointless. He wants to listen to all of my conversations. Going on an abuse website is pointless. He has access to all of my accounts. Jake lets me use Reddit because he thinks it’s a funny app. I always log out beforehand though so he doesn’t see anything on my screen.
Additionally, my parents are out of the question. My mom passed just over a year ago, and my dad wants nothing to do with my grandchild. I think he’s too lost in mourning to want anything to do with myself or my baby.
Now that I tackled the comments, here is an update. I first woke up, about 3 hours ago, screaming. Honestly, there wasn’t anything unusual about that except for the short amount of time I had slept.
Jake was the first one to discover why I woke up so early. The moment he heard the scream, he came rushing in. He told me that because I’d only slept 7 hours instead of my usual 15-17, he wasn’t prepared with my water. He ran to the bedside to help me, to calm me down, to help me relax. I guess that was when he noticed the stickiness of my shirt.
As for me, I was too busy screaming to notice. The pain felt unbearable, and I didn’t know what was going on. According to him, there were three thin gashes on my stomach, and he tried to treat it as I fought him, crying hysterically. In all honesty, what happened in this time felt like a blur, so I’m simply retelling what Jake told me. He said other things as well, but I can say with confidence that it didn’t happen. My head is blurry, but it isn’t that blurry.
As we speak, I’m lying in bed, in more pain than I’ve ever experienced throughout my entire life. I keep hearing these voices, repeating in my head that this baby was a mistake and that I need to get rid of it. The voices keep telling me that the thing in my stomach is a monster, that my husband is forcing me to lie here in my own misery.
The baby tried to kill me tonight. I know it. That has to be what happened. Those cuts? Those are the claws I felt before. It wants me dead. This is not my child.
I’m going to relax for a bit and reply to some comments. I probably won’t fall asleep for a few hours, so I’ll try my best to remain active. I’ll update if I find anything else out.
Edit 2: There was a knife under my pillow. Did Jake plant that there? I’M FREAKING OUT!! THERE WAS NEVER A KNIFE UNDER MY PILLOW BEFORE!! Jake is calling me a MAD WOMAN, that I tried to kill my own child! He is saying that he knew I was insane the moment I started talking about a “demon baby” but that he didn’t think I could do this. He is pinning this on me.
I didn’t DO ANYTHING! I have been asleep — sleep that I am CERTAIN HE CAUSED!! — and in constant pain. Jake is going insane. I need to get away but I don’t know how. I’m so tired. I feel like I’m going to pass out any minute. I am not crazy. I know what he did to me. I know this thing inside of me isn’t my baby. I know it.
I am never wrong.
Final edit: They are all calling me insane. They are telling me I need to be locked up. They are saying I am crazy. The police are against me. My friends are against me. Everyone is against me.
Why can’t they realise it wasn’t my fault? Why can’t they see what he did to me? Why do they believe him? I did nothing wrong. I did what I had to do to escape. This pain is maddening. No one believes me. They were expecting me to birth a monster.
I tried reaching out to Mia like everyone told me to (I stopped caring about what my husband would do to me), but she said she cannot speak to me anymore after what I did. She said that Jake told her what happened. She said that she pitied me for the voices in my head. Nobody is listening to me. I have no one. Maybe that’s why I did it. I was alone. Alone with a killer brewing in my stomach.
The tiredness is getting worse. I feel so dizzy, but I haven’t eaten or drank anything he gave me. I don’t know what he’s doing to me, but he’s doing something. I will figure it out. I will prove to the world that I am not insane.
I did not murder my child. I simply killed the beast inside of me. I would never harm a baby. I have morals. I loved my unborn child dearly. I truly, genuinely did. I still do. But it turned into a demon. I did what I had to do to save myself and everyone else.
After all, a mother knows best.