It’s been a while since I’ve felt anything. My life has become a constant drudgery, even special events have become dull. My son’s fourteenth birthday was a few weeks ago, but it could’ve happened yesterday, or the month before, it’s all been melding into one. I still remember though; I remember being in that moment, and I can tell you the exact details of what occurred, who was there, but I can’t for the life of me remember how it meant to me. I was simply a presence, a bystander. I think my son was happy, I hope he was.
The tasks in my life that were once a burden have become noise to me. In a way I suppose that’s a good thing. I can work my ass off all day, get treated like a dog, and I would be none the wiser. I’m not exactly sure when this happened, I used to hate my job. I guess somewhere along the way I got lobotomized in my sleep. That would explain it. At least I can provide for my son this way.
He reminds me of myself in more ways that I’d like to admit. He’s a pleasure seeker, and the friends that he’s made push these hedonistic tendencies. On his birthday he came back home absolutely plastered, and I should’ve been furious, but it didn’t affect me at. Hell I even offered him another drink. At his age I sought the same type of stimulus, the same type that I yearn for today, so in a way I am living vicariously through him. He’s a good kid though, he’s on this path but he’s not anchored to it. He refused the drink and went to bed. As a father what I did was not good, but as bystander I wish he took it. I wish he prolonged his euphoria. I wish I could see him live.
They’ve been advertising this new medication all over TV. It’s a pill that gives you constant nightmares when you sleep. It’s been all over the news actually. Some people are up in arms about, and for some folks it’s a godsend, folks like me. In my mind this seems like the stimulus I have been craving for so long, but I can’t stop thinking about my son. What happened on his birthday was a moment of weakness. I couldn’t let him know I stooped so low to get a high. Seeking the pleasures in life is one thing, but seeking fear is another. The road my son is on mirrors my own, and I don’t want him to become nullified in the same way. But at this point, he’s becoming a young man before my eyes, and I am indifferent. I need to feel something, I need to be present, not a presence.
After meeting with my doctor, I received the prescription, 30 pills for 30 days. She sternly informed me of the side effects, about how easy it is to overdose, but like all other stimuli in life, it became white noise. But at last, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could finally feel again, and I couldn’t wait to fall asleep. I waited until the lights in my son’s room went off, and after I saw that he had fallen asleep, I could begin. I sat upright on my bed and pulled out the prescription bottle from my drawer. I took another look, scanned it up and down, maybe even considering a reason not to take it. On the label was a warning sign
“Do not take two doses within a 12-hour period”.
“Good to know” I thought to myself, and I popped open the bottle, took a gulp from my glass of water, and closed my eyes.
Thirty minutes passes, and then an hour, and no effect. Worthless scam. My eyes blasted open, but when I tried to get up, my limbs were numb. I tried closing my eyes again…nothing. I tried breathing and I realized I was suffocating; I couldn’t move any part of my body whatsoever. The sweat from my forehead rolled into my open eye. I couldn’t move, but I could experience pain. As the asphyxiation engulfed me, my bedroom became blurry.
“This is it” I thought, I am about to die.
With each passing second my vision faded until finally, as I imagined would be the last moment of my life, the pain stopped. I could breathe again, and sure enough I rose from my prone position and stood up. I look around, everything is in its normal place. I take a deep breath in relief. Now that the worst was over, I got up to examine the pill bottle. The warning was no longer in English, but instead covered in strange markings.
Suddenly I was dragged down by an unbelievable force through my bedroom floor into a black abyss. There was an extremely loud sound that sounded like deep breathing and I felt as if something was watching my descent. At an instant I fell on a sandy bottom. I looked around, but it was so dark that I could only see at an arms reach. I trudged through the sand, stepping on what felt like organic material occasionally. At last, I reached a metal industrial door, like one you’d see in large freezer. On it was some type of text or message, I squinted my eyes attempting to read it. It was in that same language on the pill bottle. My eyes wander down and I notice a door handle. My heart is beating faster than when I was dying. I smile and reach for it.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
My eyes tear open as if they were glued. I’m back in my room, I can breathe. I realized that I forgot to turn off my Saturday alarm. I exhale in a sense of relief when I noticed something wet underneath me. Damn I pissed my bed… Understandably, I jumped up and exclaimed upon realization. I hear footsteps coming sprinting towards my room. My son opens the door and sees me in my current state.
“Dad are you ok?”, my son said.
“Oh, yeah…I’m fine, just had a bad dream”
My son notices my soaked trousers and bed sheets.
“Are you…feeling alright?” he says.
My cheeks become bright red.
“Oh um…I just…”
My darting eyes reach the half empty water glass.
“Yeah I just spilled a bit when I was taking my medicine”
My heart froze. I didn’t hide the bottle last night. My son’s eyes meandered to the pill bottle on my dresser, and then back to mine. After what seemed like an eternity, my son perked a smile.
“I think you’re just getting old Dad”.
With that he laughed and rolled his eyes while closing the door. Silence at last. I began to laugh quietly to myself. I couldn’t believe it, but I finally felt something again. I could feel the warm embrace of the sunshine seeping through the blinds of my window.
I walk into the kitchen to find my son cooking breakfast. The sweet scent of the bacon permeates my olfactory senses. I take a moment to listen. I hear the low hum of the air conditioner, the upbeat banter of daytime television, and even ever so faintly, the songs of birds outside. I find myself grinning ear to ear. My son places a plate consisting of tater tots, eggs, and bacon in front of me.
“Someone’s chipper today”, he says.
I smile at him.
“Yeah…yeah I’m feeling good”.
My son leans against a wall and tosses a tater tot into his mouth.
“Maybe it wasn’t such a bad dream after all”, he says.
I snag a tater tot off my plate and do the same.
“Honestly I don’t remember what it was about”.
I felt at peace…or at least it appeared so. I took a bite of my breakfast, but with each chew the flavor began dissipating. I squint, the sunshine has become dull and bright. My hand begins to tremble as I feel an object in pajama pocket. I feel a compulsion to reach down. I slowly retrieve the object from my pocket. My eyes widen and my heart begins to race…it’s the prescription bottle, and the English text is replaced once again with a foreign language. I gawk at it sitting in the palm of my hand, and my lips start to form a smile.
“Dad!”
I snap out of it and stuff the bottle back into my pocket. My son is standing behind the kitchen counter.
“Do you want any more bacon before I put it away?”.
“Uh…no thank you, I’m alright for now”
My son stares at me with a charged look.
“All right…” he says.
I quickly regain my composure.
“Son, do you have any plans tonight?”
“Yeah I think Devin’s having some people over tonight…unless you wanted to do something?”
I feign a smile.
“No, no, have fun with your friends!”
“All…right, cool…” my son says.
I jump.
“But maybe we can do something tomorrow?”
My son ponders for a moment.
“I was actually gonna go to Luka’s basketball game tomorrow. A bunch of my friends wanna support him, ya know?…”
He sees a hint of sadness in my eyes.
“But after we could figure something out!” he exclaims.
I smile.
“Yes…that sounds great!”
My son nods and walks out the kitchen door. My hand is still trembling. I look down to see that I had been gripping the bottle the whole time. I check the door; I think he’s gone. I pull the bottle out and examine it, the text has returned to normal. I exhale, I felt safe again.
I hear the door slam closed followed my son’s car screeching out the driveway. He asked if he could spend the night at Devin’s and I complied. It’s seven o’clock in the evening…perfect. I purchased a plastic mattress cover to avoid last night’s mishap, so I put it on the bed, strip naked and sit the mattress. There is a part of me that feels a slight embarrassment at my current situation, but honestly, I’ve been caught doing worse. I also purchased a water-resistant blanket, so I’m not a complete degenerate.
I pull the bottle out from the drawer. The label’s in English…great. I purposefully put the bottle into the drawer and hide it under some of the junk in there, and for good measure, I set my alarm for five in the morning, just in case my son came home early. I pop a pill into my mouth and swallow.
Immediately I am pulled down into the abyss. Darkness has now overcome my entire vision. I am moving extremely fast, much faster than last time. I swear I even feel my ears popping from the change in pressure. BAM!
I slam into the sandy bottom once more. I take a few moments to catch my breath when I notice a light in the distance. It shines an iridescent purple color, unlike I had ever seen. Immediately my feet began trudging towards it, almost automatically. I carefully amble over what seems like a sea of organic matter. I have no inclination of what exactly I’m walking on, but it is consumed most of the sand from before. As I approach the light, I see what I had been drawn to…the door from last night.
Although the door appeared the same as the night prior, it felt…different. I would even say it felt familiar…safe…welcoming. Before I could even think, my hand rose and grasped its handle. It’s difficult to explain, but it reminded me so much of her. I was grinning ear to ear once more. I began to twist the handle, and as I did so the iridescent light that guided me here shined brighter and brighter, once again bathing me in a warm embrace. I peer forward, filled with the most excitement in years, as I’m about to pull the door open.
“Mom! Dad!”
I stop. I look around for the source of the outcry.
“Mom! Dad! Help me! Please!
It’s my son.
Without a second thought I let go of the handle and begin sprinting towards him.
SLAM!
I face plant into the ground. Something has snagged my ankle. The iridescent light has become bright enough to illuminate the ground and…oh my goodness. Around me are what seems like thousands and decrepit bodies, all trying to claw their way out of the sand. I look down at my ankle and see a man gripping me. He has a look of desperation in his eye. I promptly kick him in the face and run off.
“Mom! Dad!”
I’m getting closer.
“Mom! Dad!”
I’m almost there.
“MOM! DAD!”
I can see him! But he’s being engulfed by the bodies and sand below. I sprint as fast as I can when…
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I scream and flail on my bed. I take a few moments to catch my breath. I glance at the source of the noise…my alarm clock. It reads 5:00 AM. It’s morning. The sun has not fully risen yet, but the warm embrace still reaches me. I glance over at the water glass and pill bottle on top of my dresser. I exhale in relief, it’s over… I throw some clothes and head to the restroom. Fortunately, I didn’t have an accident last night, so there’s no evidence there. And thankfully I made sure to hide the pill bottle last night as well.
Wait.
I sprint back into my room to find the pill bottle on top of my dresser. I try to calm myself down. I must’ve forgotten again. It’s 5 am, there’s no way he’s home. He wouldn’t do that, he’s better than me. I take a deep breath and un-tense my body. Yeah, everything’s ok…
I jump at the pill bottle and count its contents.
“1…2…3….”
With every number my heart races.
“24…25…26………27”
My heart sinks. I burst out of my bedroom and sprint to my son’s room. I slam open the door, and my fears realized. He is lying unconscious on his bed. I check his pulse, he’s alive, but his heart rate is slow, and he’s ice cold to the touch. I panic, looking for anything to help. His slow breaths act as a ticking clock as I search for a solution. I grab a phone and begin to dial 911 when I notice something. Silence.
I rush over to my son’s side. He’s stopped breathing…but his heart is still beating, then I notice something more. All along my son’s chest and arms appear to markings materializing beneath his skin, the same markings on the pill bottle. With no other options, there’s only one action I could take to save my son. I sprint back into my room, grab a pill and swallow it.
What feels like an eternity passes, but I cannot fall asleep. I try taking other sleeping pills, I try asphyxiation, I even try knocking myself out with blunt force. But to no avail, I’m trapped here in the conscious world while my son is fading away. My emotions overcome me.
“Why isn’t it working!”
“I thought you wanted to experience true fear?” a deep voice bellowed out.
I did, whatever was talking to me was right. I wanted to feel something, fear, sadness…anything. But now I’m overcome with only one emotion…rage.
“Release my son!”
Silence.
“Release my son right now, I command you!”
Silence.
I look around the room and spot the pill bottle.
“What if I made you a deal?”
“…Go on” the voice boomed.
“If I swallow every pill in this bottle, would you let go of my son?”.
“But he’s so fresh and ripe…what do you have to offer?”.
“I don’t…I don’t know…nothing!”
Without thinking I grab the pill bottle and swallow the lot. I collapse onto the floor and begin sobbing. I’ve done it, my son has done nothing wrong and has paid the price for my wrongdoings. But wait, I refuse to live on without him. Even if his fate is sealed, I will live on every day from now living to the fullest, in his memory. If he can’t be here to experience what life has to offer, I’ll experience it twice fold!
“Deal” the voice bellowed out.
At once I began my descent into the void, seemingly at the speed of light, but even then, I saw something ascending out of the darkness. Although my fate had been sealed, my son’s is safe. So here I find myself in a sea of now millions of the damned, smiling ear to ear.