Ever since I was a kid, I used to hear a low hum in my ears. It is like the lowest note on a bass guitar, but constant, relentless, and almost soothing?
It wasn’t always there. I think it started when I was around 4 or 5 years old. I did not think of it much as a young kid, and I thought everyone heard it, not just me. I did mention it to other people many times, but it was always chalked up to some fan noise or the wind or low electric buzzing. When I was a teenager, I learnt that tinnitus is a thing and thought maybe it was tinnitus. But no, I don’t think it is tinnitus: firstly, the hum I hear is very low pitch whereas tinnitus is almost always high pitch. Secondly, I started hearing it pretty young, before my ears had accumulated any auditory damage due to headphone usage or noise pollution. Thirdly, and most importantly, tinnitus does not do to people what the hum did to me. It gave me hope and then it broke me.
I only hear the hum when my mind quiets down, like when I am alone in bed trying to sleep, or when I hike in the mountains by myself, or when I meditate for longer than 30 minutes. The hum - it is a friend, it is with me when I am with myself.
In my late twenties, I went through a “spiritual phase” where I read the ancient Hindu texts and traveled to monasteries in the himalayas. The ancient rishis speak of a “primordial hum” that has always been there, since the start of the first universal cycle. They call it “Aum” and chant it in their prayers and meditations like a mantra. I resonated with this theory and began to associate my hum with the primordial hum. It was like a personal god to me, my auditory angel. At the end of my first week-long vipassana retreat, I even had an intense spiritual experience where the hum spoke to me. It gave me assurance. It told me I will persevere. And then it deserted me.
Ever since I started taking SSRIs for my depression, the hum began to change. Maybe I should say evolve, because the change was very slow, and it seems to respond to my state of mind somehow. The hum was still constant, relentless, but no longer soothing. It started to sound a bit gloomy, then scary, and even menacing at times. And then it stopped.
I haven’t heard the hum in over a year. I don’t know why! I cry and cry and pray for it to return, but it is gone. It has left me. What did I ever do to deserve this fate. I no longer have hope. I no longer have a friend to guide me through the ups and downs of life. When I am with myself, I feel so alone! It feels as if I am being haunted by a malevolent spirit, and my guardian angel is no longer there to keep me safe. Everything in my life is going downhill, and today was the final straw.
As per usual, I sat down today to meditate, focusing on the silence surrounding me. As I went deeper and deeper into my meditation, I felt something enter my ears. It’s icy cold, dense and very thick. It is a sound that I have never heard in my life before. It is the opposite of my friendly hum. And it is deafening.
I immediately stopped meditating, stood up and went to have a glass of water. But the sound is still there. I turn on the tv. I try going outside. I go for a drive. The sound is still there! Am I going mad? How do I escape this auditory hell? Why am I being punished? Where did it all go wrong? Someone please help me make sense of it all!