Retrieved from June 13, 2022
My name is Aidan and I’ve known Julia for only six months, but I feel like she’s consuming my world.
At first I didn’t know that her attention was more than I deserve. I’d been teaching, so consumed by my studies, and Derek, my boyfriend for five years, that I didn’t notice her. I thought she was just another student in my fall semester class. Immature, and under-read for the major.
Her papers were filled with arcane references to biblical texts, made up morality, without even fully understanding all the different inconsistencies. I failed to recognize her wisdom when she argued I was living in sin this past winter. I was blind and dumb enough that I didn’t understand her power, and I failed her from my class.
Then she came to me asking for her grade to be changed. At first I said no, but she started insisting there was no reason to make her suffer through Christmas with a failed grade. There was the gleam of something green in her hand as she asked. It was mesmerizing, like a willow branch bending in the breeze.
Her voice was soothing as it wrapped my brain, seeping in, taking root. I quickly realized it made no sense to fail her.
I had the option to gift someone joy instead of pain. Why would I do the latter? Naturally, I changed her grade to an A. She said to not worry about the rest, and asked what my plans were for the holiday.
I told her I was planning on proposing. I had bought a ring for Derek.
I and was looking froward to the… but she stopped me. Saying it was a pity that I felt that way, that maybe I should wait a little longer.
What if he said no?
Best to do it later when I’ve had more time, and meanwhile she’ll keep the engagement ring I’d bought, in case I accidentally ruin the blessed holiday.
How considerate.
That meeting felt like a dream, laced with verdant green, such a soothing color, like a vast forest with infinite depth, where a mind can enter and travel forever, lost.
The winter passed uneventfully, but Derek asked on our return if something was wrong. I had no idea what that could be, but he said I was acting distant, distracted.
Maybe it was because of the green forest that haunted my mind, and Julia, who didn’t stop messaging me.
[You’ll be much happier if you text me more. Every word from me should feel like a rush.]
[My words are addictive.] She sent.
And they were. I started checking for her messages multiple times a day. Every unread notification felt like an injection of morning happiness.
I’d do anything for more.
[Tell me about your dreams.] she asked.
[I want to get married, teach literature, maybe get a dog.] I replied.
[Derek doesn’t trust you, and you shouldn’t trust him either. You should consider other people, other women.]
[I’m gay. Been that way since I was born, and I love Derek.] I reminded her.
[I doubt that. You can change. You can love women just as much as men.] She started asking me to transform every day, to grow into a different person. The problem was, I couldn’t alter who I was.
When I returned to school, I met her brother James, a man who was deeply interested in history. Sometimes I would see him in the morning with Julia, and I got the feeling he was repulsed by me.
“You chose him?” James asked Julia one day.
“He’s the perfect vessel.” Julia replied, and I didn’t know what she meant.
I was going to ask but got distracted somehow, which often happened when I was with her. The days would blur till the evening when we parted ways.
I saw Julia more and more, despite her not having any classes. Her presence always brought me calm. Then she started meeting me after class and I would text an apology to Derek before waking up dizzy the next morning in my bed.
I don’t remember much of our days, just a comforting purpose. I think I spent most of my time in the library researching historical documents related to a fable, and presenting the information to Julia, who grew more beautiful every day.
Trying to remember my missing time with her felt staring into a kaleidoscope of falling green fractals. If I looked too long, I’d be sliced into sharp, jagged pieces. My breath heaves and heart panics during the rare times that I dare to think about it.
Like the one time when Derek approached me, paranoid. “You’ve been acting strange for the last few months. What happened?”
Julia’s right, he didn’t trust me.
I loved him, and the only thing I could think of was to make an introduction so he, too, could meet Julia and her brother James. That would make him understand, I reasoned, and I believe they did meet because it’s been three months since I heard from him.
I still think of him on occasion, though it feels like trying to hold water in my hand. Memories of us keep disappearing through the cracks, replaced by Julia: Visiting her at the sorority she runs on campus. Making breakfast for her. Reading for her. Shopping with her. There was one evening when she asked me to kiss her.
Despite the fact that I love her with every sinew, every conscious nerve, I could not be physically attracted to her.
I explained this, and she looked disappointed before she admitted that she knew my answer all along.
“You’re like the others, but you can still serve as a great vessel for him.” She smiled, leading me down to the basement of her sorority house. “I will make you better.”
She gestured to a plinth covered with splatters of dark, rusted brown that looked like blood.
“But there’s nothing wrong with me.”
She shushed me before explaining my flaws, and my mind bucked against her reasoning. No, no, no. What the fuck? Where am I? My heart panicked before she placed her hands around my head.
“Your exactly where you need to be Aidan.” Julia smiled. “Listen to the sound of my voice and remember your devotion to me.”
“Devotion to you.”
“That’s right, your obligation to me.”
“Obligation.”
“You’ll want to do this tomorrow.”
“I’ll want to…”
“You’ll want to carve out your own heart for an ancient power to replace it.” Julia said, and I nodded. How dumb of me to have forgotten.
“I will carve out my heart and replace it with an ancient … but where will my heart go?” I asked.
“After the ancient is invited into your body. Your heart and soul will go with Derek. Don’t you want to be with him?” Julia handed me an engagement ring.
At first I didn’t recognize it, but then… Of course, Derek. I remembered my love. How silly of me to forget.
That was yesterday, and today I must persevere. I shouldn’t forget this time around. Otherwise she’ll be disappointed.
I have the knife ready. I hope she likes my heart. It’ll be freshly beating once I fulfill my purpose and my obligations.
I want to see Derek again.
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