I could not sleep tonight, so I thought of how things could be far different from they are today. If I could go back and change things, where would I go? What would I do? My father, Isaac, killed himself in 2019. Things were never the same since. The depression and trauma caused me to fail out of college, hard. That, alongside picking a stupid major from my time of immaturity all contributed to a guaranteed failure.
I lived in Nowhere, Wisconsin at the time, a terrible place packed with snow and unfriendly drunks who hardly ever socialize with anyone. What do they even do all day? I do not know, but they clearly had no desire to make new friends. The COVID-19 pandemic hit us (another thing I might not be able to stop while staying under the radar), leaving my mom and I highly depressed. My grandparents are demonic, and they abused us since we got to Nowhere, Wisconsin. They showed no support for any of us after Isaac killed himself. And I had a seven-month long mental breakdown because of his suicide, which caused another yearlong one in response to the trauma caused by the original. I kissed 2020 and 2021 goodbye, until I finally moved to Florida.
Should I go all the way back to 2006 to stop my mom from breaking her leg? Maybe as a start, but it would take some damn good redirecting of life to get us to Pittsburgh PA eventually. Things would be drastically different, who knows if one of us would be dead had that not occurred. Maybe it’d best not to find out. I’m so sorry Mom, but it’d be too damn risky.
As much as I wish I could change that part of the past, that is not what I’m thinking of now. I just couldn’t help but think of the leg though. I love you Mom, and I’m so sorry you live with this. Besides, I was only 8 then, so I doubt I’d be able to influence too many people on matters regarding the future, we might’ve ended up worse off given how insane my father was and how rednecky West Virginia was.
Perhaps a different temporal destination then. I thought of going back to my senior year of high school. October 7, 2016, when I still lived in Pittsburgh. Why then? Well because our garage door in Pittsburgh collapsed the day before. It didn’t kill anyone last time, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to accidentally affect the future and cause it to. Yes, October 7, 2016 would be my temporal destination. I would be 17-year-old John again, with all the knowledge of 25-year-old John, including matters regarding the future.
It seems quite long ago now, 7 years to be exact. Though Marty McFly traveled back 30 years, so I guess it’s not a bad start. It was my senior year of high school, and the one where I had the most fun. But I wouldn’t be going back to have all the fun again. No, I would go back to have the fun the correct way.
My best friend, Nora Ridley, was alongside me that year. I foolishly had a small thing for her then, and was a little too clingy. My first mistake would be fixing that issue, it’d probably strengthen our friendship around that time. As well as allow me to spend more time with others in my final year of high school. I love you Nora. I wish I could’ve been a better, less clingy friend for you at that time.
I’d delve into online courses and discover what I truly am into. So I could pursue that as a major instead of just blindly diving into one. Damn shame photography hardly pays the bills, I’m good at it and I enjoy it. Oh well. I’d also now have the maturity to actually get my license around that time. I would just have to convince my parents to let me. Last, I’d exercise much more back then. If I’m going to change things, I may as well also hit the gym and build a physique.
Who knows if I could’ve hooked up with someone with the changes I’d be making. I would’ve deliberately made myself more interesting, it might’ve led to some relationships. I fear this could piss some people off, as most of my old high school friends are now engaged or even married. Rest assured, if you are reading this, I probably see you more as a friend than any type of potential partner. It’s just that I need the relationship experience, as I haven’t had much. I was robbed of that by my dad’s suicide.
The changes in my high school life, I feel, would’ve been good for all of us. I lost touch with most of the people I was good friends with then. I wonder what they’d think of me. I’d be quite mature compared to them, given I’d secretly be 25 years old. Nobody would know, and nobody would suspect a thing. Subtly, I’d relive my entire senior year of high school over again. Along the way, I’d prepare for my future better as well as do my best to live a more social life. Maybe I’d even try to organize far more hangouts.
Next up, outside of high school affairs, would be to convince Isaac not to kill himself. How? I don’t know. He wasn’t a good man, and my mother had to get a divorce from him eventually. Before he drove her insane. I don’t know if I could prevent this, or scarily enough, if I should. Isaac was, simply put, crazy. He idolized his mother and even said she was greater than my mom. I cannot delve too deep into his insanities, but I can say a divorce was practically required. I do not know if I could prevent his suicide, however, as he always tried to emulate Willie Loman from “Death of a Salesman”. All the way to the end.
Last, I’d prevent my mom from trying to move back to Nowhere, Wisconsin, to reconnect with family that didn’t want us. Even before Isaac killed himself, my grandparents showed no warmth to my mom. My grandfather mocked her as she could barely afford to live, and tell her to settle for crumbs. My grandmother was horribly abusive almost the moment I got there. All that awaited us in our 3 years in Wisconsin were for my grandmother to spend three hours abusing my mother, a suicide, a pandemic, many mental breakdowns, and nobody by our side we could count on. There was no hope there, nothing to live for there. But we escaped and now we are here.
Life is full of risks and uncertainty, however. Sometimes we have to say “damn the consequences” and just try it. Obviously I can’t with this whole time travel thing, but I can with real life stuff.