“The day has finally come…” - those were the first words that came to mind when I opened my eyes in the morning.
I wished with all my heart for this day to never come but yet… it did… The thought of it was giving me a slight glimmer of hope, but the weight on my heart was excruciating, for I cannot forgive myself. It might be a bit selfish of me, but I thought sharing it would make me feel a bit less guilty. You might ask - “What is it that is so special about this day?”. Nothing… Nothing at all…
I’m sorry…
Going back last year. Me and my “wife” had been together for 6 years. We had a bittersweet relationship but for me it was nothing short of perfect. We didn’t really get married though, or per se “we couldn’t”.
She was a huge Game of thrones fan and we would always joke about how I would have to “bend the knee” to her, and so I did. We were out on a date and she started joking about it - little did she know that was exactly what I was waiting for, and without a moment of hesitation I was down on one knee proposing to her. That was the happiest day of my life. She said yes of course.
A couple of weeks later and it’s finally the day before our wedding day. The wedding was supposed to be a bit different from what you would call a “standard wedding”. I was going to be dressed like Jon Snow and she was supposed to be dressed like Daenerys Targaryen. The “flower boy” was going to come out with a basket full of gold coins - which were actually going to be little chocolates wrapped in foil, and I had prepared the Game of thrones intro song so that I could play in the background. etc. etc.
That night, before the wedding, we found an ad. on Facebook which showed a robot, that looked like dragon, which you could ride on. We glanced over at each other and we knew we had to get one for the wedding. I mean how could we miss out on this opportunity?
I contacted the seller and explained to him what was happening, and that we would love to buy or rent one of those robots. We went back and forward in our conversation and eventually, we made a deal. He would deliver the robot straight to our wedding, do the “routine check up” on it and leave. I was overjoyed. I even asked him to stay for the wedding, but he politely refused.
Here comes the wedding day. Everything is perfect. The room looks like it came straight out of the Game of thrones set. Everyone is dressed in fancy looking clothes, and it felt like the whole house Lannister had joined us for our wedding. My soon to be wife had planned to do a dance with her colleagues from the ballet group - Oh I forgot to mention she had been doing ballet since the day she was born. Literally.
The guy from whom I ordered the robot- lets call him Tom - was a bit late but finally arrived minutes before the ceremony. He barely had any time to check up on the robot. My wife then came up with the idea that we both ride the robot to the altar to which I wholeheartedly agreed. Tom advised us against it, since on his way here one of the chains that was holding the robot still snapped and the robot hit the wall of his truck pretty hard. Why… Why did I agree with her… I guess I was way too happy to think straight.
Here we are standing on the big red carpet which led to the altar, dressed like fictional characters, listening to our favorite music. I thought to myself: “This is perfect. A bit too perfect.”. Tom decided to stay for the ceremony but he told me that he had work to do afterwards. Curse me for thinking that everything would go smooth as butter on that day.
As we were riding along I felt it in my stomach that something might go horribly wrong. The robot began to malfunction and started to speed up. I tried to turn it off but that did nothing, then I started to panic and hopped off it. I tried to pull my “wife” off the robot as well but her dress got entangled in the gears that were running the robot. Before I could do anything my “wife’s” right leg got crushed between them. The sound that followed still sends chills down my spine to this day. Bare in mind this robot was pretty big, I would say it weighted around 200 to 300 kilograms. And so it started slowly but painfully crushing her leg. I had never heard her let out such a blood curdling scream ever. I just stood there watching her helplessly as she was being “devoured” by this thing. The sounds of her bones breaking echoed in my head making me feel dizzy and soon, I passed out.
Later that day I found myself in the hospital and laying beside me on the neighboring bed was my “wife”. I hopped straight out of the bed, almost passing out again as I took a look at her leg, or what was left of it. I just stood there, for what felt like an eternity, staring at how that “thing” had mutilated her. At first I exploded with anger at Tom and the damn piece of junk he sold to me, but after I calmed down a bit I realized, it’s not his fault. It’s my wife and I that didn’t listen to him and his warnings against us riding the robot. Grieve and guilt followed afterwards. I never thought I could cry as loud as I did. The nurse told me that some guy stuck one of the chair’s legs inside the gears and made them stop. I found out later that it was Tom who did it, and I don’t think I could ever repay him for what he did.
A week or two go by and my wife got discharged from the hospital. I was so happy that she was alive and well and she reassured me that we can go home now. The following days things felt weird. It felt like alongside her leg that stupid robot had robbed her of her soul as well. I wasn’t talking to my wife anymore but more-so a hollow shell left behind. Things began to get even worse. She started drinking away the pain and I even found a small bag of pills in the cupboard next to our bed, which she told me were painkillers. I knew those were no painkillers but I was too scared to talk to her about it.
I was getting really worried about her wellbeing. I knew better than anyone how much she loved dancing and going to ballet practice with all her colleagues. Having that stolen away from her must have shattered her heart. As much as she tried to hide it from me I could tell how much she was in pain, not from losing her leg but rather from losing her favorite thing to do in this world.
My worries weren’t for naught. It was February 7th 2016. I had some emergency work that I had to do, and despite it being a Sunday I came home late. My “wife” would always be waiting for me at the front door as soon as she heard the loud engine of my car. Even though it was quite a bit harder for her to do it now, she would still be there, sitting on the chair, waiting for me patiently to come out of the car, and the moment I see her beautiful smile all my frustration and worries would go away.
Today was different. I pulled in the driveway and to my surprise she wasn’t there. At first I thought:
Maybe she is in bed already - That thought didn’t calm me down a single bit. I know her and she never goes to bed this early, no matter how tired she is. I got out of the car and unlocked the front door. It was pitch dark in there. Then I loudly said:
Winter is coming!
This is our cute little thing that we do when one of us gets home. I was left shocked when I didn’t get a response.
No answer once again. Sweat started pouring down my face as this had never happened before. I checked the backyard but she wasn’t there either. Afterwards I started searching for her through the whole house and I couldn’t find her. Worried I called her thinking she might have gone to one of her friend’s houses. I heard her phone ringing. It was in our bedroom. I sat on the bed and started thinking where could she have gone. The room was so quiet. It felt like even the slightest movement was louder than normal. And then I heard it. It was quiet but it sounded like some small animal was in the attic and was walking around really, really slowly.
I grabbed my torch and headed towards the attic. As soon as I opened the attic door a strong foul smell hit me.
That is what I first thought before I shone the flashlight towards the ceiling. I gasped as I saw my “wife”, my sweetheart, my darling, hanging from the ceiling. The tight rope around her neck had scraped her skin so deeply, blood was dripping both from her mouth and her neck. I turned as pale as a ghost. Staring into the lifeless corpse of my “wife”, the woman that I was supposed to share the rest of my life with was now just a sack of bones and organs, swinging slightly side to side.
I tried to cry, but nothing came out. I tried to scream, but nothing came out either. I could only stare at her.
why did you do this? - I muttered under my breath.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS? - I now screamed at the top of my lungs.
There was a note covered in blood right below her, and on the note it said:
I’m sorry…
What do you have to be sorry about? - I muttered once again.
After what felt forever I slowly walked towards her and I gently untied the rope.
The rope was now around my neck and all that was left to do was to jump off the chair. And so I did.
I jumped, but yet I fell to the ground. The rope had somehow untied itself. I know how to tie a knot pretty well and there is no way it could just untie by itself. I looked back at my wife, and I could see a single tear running down her cheek being slightly lit up by the flashlight that I had dropped on the floor.
You are still looking after me even if you are not here are you? - I said slowly laying right beside her.
This isn’t what you would want is it? - I asked myself laying on my back and looking at the rope that had just been around my neck. Although she couldn’t I felt her smile right as I said that.
There was a knock on the front door. I slowly limped down the stairs and opened the door as if nothing happened.
Hey it’s the neighbor, is everything okay? I could hear you scream from the other side of the road. - He told me with a concerning voice to which I calmly responded.
My wife had killed herself. - The moment I said that it hit me and I immediately puked right on my front lawn.
Back to the present today is February 7th 2017. A year has gone by since the passing of my wife. Me and some of her colleagues went to visit her grave. They all came and payed their respects, left some of her favorite flowers and left. The pain of knowing you will never be by my side is excruciating. The guilt of not being able to do anything for you is unbearable.
And here I am, sitting next to you, staring into nothingness wondering why didn’t you let me join you, so that we could be together once more… And the only words that could come out of my mouth were: