This all happened a few weeks ago. I managed to make it back to this dimension alive, but only by the skin of my teeth.
I really need to find a new line of work.
I didn’t want to be a delivery man. Nobody chooses this life for themselves. Nobody grows up with the dream planted in their mind that they want to be the world’s fastest pizza guy one day.
Driving around in a beat-up jalopy with the smell of pepperoni in your nose.
You know what sucks the most about it? You know that smell of delicious, fresh-baked pizza that makes your mouth water when you get a pie delivered? When you’re a delivery guy, you just get to sit in that smell all day, and then you don’t get to eat the pizza. You just get to smell it and let your mouth fill with saliva, thinking about how you wish you made more money so you could afford to buy an extra large with all the toppings, garlic bread crust, and a side of hot-wings with blue cheese dipping sauce for good measure.
That’s where I was at mentally as I sat in my shitty car, my battery slowly dying as I listened to the radio and enjoyed the last little bit of light afforded by the headlamps.
“Tow truck’s gonna be here soon,” I kept telling myself, smelling the pizza in the back seat. “Any minute, the tow truck is gonna be here.”
I rolled down the window and stuck my head out, craning my neck to see into the distance behind me. The smell of the fresh, autumn night air filled my nostrils and replaced the cheese and hot baked dough and tomato sauce.
At first I thought there was a pair of headlights, but then whatever it was blinked out of existence and disappeared, like the glowing eyes of some great cat.
I rolled up the window quickly, shivering from the cold draft as it filled the car.
The address was supposed to be right here. I had actually been idling while I checked the directions on my phone. The GPS confirmed that I was where I was supposed to be. But there was no driveway - just untouched forest surrounding the road as far as the eye could see.
Somehow I had run out of gas, despite my tank being half-full. When I checked the time it was as if I had been daydreaming for hours - like I had been in a trance while looking for the address on my phone. The sun had gone down at some point and it was well past eleven at night, the moon overhead glowing an eerie pumpkin orange.
That was when I had called the tow truck. But it seemed as if they weren’t coming.
Confused and bewildered, I got out of the car and looked around, wondering if they had gotten lost.
I pulled my phone out and hit the redial button for the towing company. But this time all I got was static, as if whoever had picked up the phone was in a different dimension - separated from me by a wall of entropy.
The brush on the other side of the road suddenly began to rustle and sway, as if something were moving behind it, trying to stay hidden but too large to manage that successfully.
“Hello?” I called out, hearing the quiver in my own voice and wishing I sounded braver. Wishing I were braver. “Who’s there?”
Another sound came from behind me, and I spun around to get back in the car, terrified of whatever was stalking me so far out in the middle of this night-black forest.
But the car door slammed shut as I bumped into it with my wide hips. Too many hours of sitting and not enough sit-ups. Too many undeliverable pizzas eaten in parking lots for half-price. Too many years of not taking care of myself, taunted me as I grabbed the door handle and tried to pull it open, but found it locked. The keys still inside, jammed into the ignition slot, mocking me.
The rustling sound came again, and this time it was from behind another tree, and another. Movements were heard on all sides as my eyes darted back and forth from place to place, seeing huge, hulking shadows hiding behind the trees all around.
“Who’s there?” I nearly shrieked, my voice high and breaking. “Stay back! I’ve got a gun!”
I didn’t have anything of the sort, but it was the only thing which came to mind that could potentially ward off threats of such size and terrifying proportions.
A shadow began to emerge from behind one of the trees. And another came from behind me. I heard their huge, lumbering footsteps coming closer, as their features became discernible in the waning light of the moon.
Their faces were obscured by the shadows of tree limbs and broken boughs above us, the half-bare branches shedding leaves like dead tissue, falling all around.
The warmth of one creature’s hot breath was in my face as I stood, petrified - nowhere to run. My back was pressed up against the cold steel of the car, the window glass squeaking against my skin as I trembled with fear.
Sharp, long, hooked and pointed teeth grated together as grey lips pulled back into a grin. A mouth as wide as a windshield opened up as if to devour me, its pointed tongue salivating and dripping.
And then it surprised me by speaking - its voice a rumbling baritone, deep enough to shake my teeth in their sockets.
“Are you from Dominoes?” it asked, spraying me with fine droplets of spittle. The acid-burn of them sizzled on my cheeks. “I ordered eight large pizzas to this address.”
My hand was shaking badly as I hooked a thumb towards the backseat.
“In… Th-th-th-th-there…” I managed to stutter. “L-l-l-l-locked… By m-m-m-m-mistake”
There was a heavy, deep-sounding sigh, as the creature was clearly annoyed by my amateur actions. But instead of eating me as an alternative, he smashed the window with his claw and reached inside, removing the boxes.
“Hmmm, a bit cold…” the thing said, sounding irritated. “You look to be warm-blooded, though. Your blood might make for an interesting marinara.”
A screeching roar came from the woods, and the creature huffed, and let out a sigh.
“Yes, mother. I suppose we should leave him alive. Otherwise who will deliver way out here?”
He began to stalk back into the darkness of the forest, leaving me behind in my soiled and warm-wet pants.
“It is so hard to find good help these days. You really must bring back that thirty minute guarantee. We used to get so much free pizza in this dimension…”
“WHAT DIMENSION!?” I called after the thing, looking around with confusion at the forest of trees whose branches now whipped and coiled like angry snakes.
How the hell was I gonna get home?
I looked down and saw a fifty dollar bill was laying at my feet, with the head of a monster in place of President Grant.
Shit. Not again.
At least these guys tipped better than the last place.
TCC .