I am a vampire. Oh please don’t ask me for obscure historical knowledge, I’m only 17. No we don’t drink human blood. Well not anymore! After your obesity crisis, human blood has REALLY gone down hill, the consistency is really weird, and it just feels really gross, and it’s SWEET now. Blood used to have a really nice coppery-metallic flavor. It was a huge blow to the vampire community, and we were desperate to find alternatives.
Human blood was a key source of valuable nutrients you see, and now we no longer had access to it. We needed a replacement, and FAST. So first, we wanted to see if we could try animal blood. We’ve tried it all, dogs, cats, fish, sharks, birds. It’s simply lacks nutrients. It would be as if you guys just drank water all day.
Vampires cannot eat plants so that was out of the question. Now our alternatives are mainly Elves. We’ve been having a ball. These fuckers are short, and we made little nets to catch them. Oh, and Elf blood is fucking amazing, it’s so coppery, and its got this bitterness to it, that has been addicting. It’s kind of sweet, sour, and coppery at the same time, and our scientists have found it to be very rich in nutrients. Elves have been a stable food source for the vampire community for almost two decades! Once you go tiny, you never go back!
Elf hunting has embedded it’s way into our traditions you see. We now have this drink called a blood cocktail. We’ve found Elf Blood tastes remarkable with whiskey (which we steal from you humans, sorry not sorry), especially paired with some ice. I’ve been really wanting to make my boyfriend a blood cocktail for his birthday, so I had to hunt a really good quality elf, and steal some really nice whiskey. I love him so much, he’s the best thing that every happened to me. Especially after my ex girflfriend Colleen’s dissapearance. I don’t mind it though, she was so toxic.
So I waited until midnight. I was really hoping for an elf child because those shitbags have the sweetest blood ever. It had to be today, since it was some elf festival. Dumb fucks. I could easily lure a child into the woods. Elf children love pinecones so I had them handy. In festivals, some kid almost always gets lost, and hey, easy prey.
Elf towns are usually somewhere in the woods, so I walked through the long gorgeous black trees, I’m six feet tall, so I’ll be able to blend in with the trees for these dumb elves. I made sure to stick to the trees, heading south, and soon I stumbled across a little elf town. There was a ferris wheel the size of a typical bird cage, and they were having a little carnival, with bright red tents, and golden merry go rounds, with little diamond like horses, and I saw those ugly green fucks everywhere, their scent overpowered my senses, sweet, tangy copper blood flowing through their veins. I could almost taste it.
It was fairly dark, and I stood right in front of a tree. I was wearing black gloves and a mask so my camo was near perfect. I watched their stupid fucking carnival, trying to keep my stomach from growling, when an elf child happenned to look lost, I could see its ugly elf face twist into confusion, and I could see it make its way towards the trees, waddling, towards me, I watched it stumble around and soon it was in the woods with me. I had to make my move. It was towards a neighbouring tree.
“Are you lost sweetheart?”
“Who are you”
“I’m a tree, and I’m here to help you sweetheart”
“help me? trees CAN TALK?”
“Yes sweetheart, but not everyone can hear us, you have a gift you see, to be able to
talk to nature. Come towards me sweetie and I’ll tell you more”
What I thought was a dumb idiot waddled its way towards me, suddenly I realized something and my blood froze. I couldn’t smell it as it waddled towards me, the scent was not getting stronger at all. It actually had no scent at all, kind of like water. That was fucking weird. As it waddled I could see its face more clearly and it did not look right. Almost like someone had made a drawing of an Elf rather than an actual elf itself. My god it was fucking 2D looking, and it could tell I wasn’t a fucking tree because it was looking at me right in the eyes, and then it fucking smiles.
Though it was smiling with just it’s mouth. I could see its mouth stretch open, the corners switching positions. It’s mouth was “flipping”, almost like it was lifeted of its face and then moved back. It’s eyes were wide and pitch black, its skin was ashy grey instead of a simple green. The little shit had claws. I looked around me, and it felt like being high, the trees were fucking dancing, nahhh fuck that.
I frantically ran, lil shit was still short, however the ground was floating up and down, it was fucking bouncing. I didn’t dare to look behind me, just ran like a motherfucker. Then this little shit shows up in front of me. Like dead in front, and I look around and the world felt like some kind of web, as if the fabric of the world, structure of it, got smooshed into a web like shape, and if it was some kind of paper, and i was in the very center, and I could feel myself began to fall, deep until I was covered in the fabric of the topsy turvy world with felt weightless, and I was enfulged in just complete utter terror. As if the world around me was a movie set, or a kind of drape, that could be closed.
Then I looked at my hands and I saw a golden streak flow upwards. Blood was flowing out of my hands into the web, I felt dizzy, with terror and with blood loss, and I looked up and could see a giant mouth with alternating fangs, and it’s eyes were fucking connected to it’s fangs, as if it used both its eyes and mouth to eat. I didn’t know what to do, this was my karma I guess, was it a possessed elf?
Slowly the world thudded, rumbled and fucking swayed, and then it was..back to normal again? I could hear the little shit retching, guess mofo didn’t like my blood. I took my chance and fucking sprinted despite the dizziness and managed to make it back to my house, I opened the door and then collapsed on the floor.
I woke up to my boyfriend blowing up my phone about whether I was cheating on him and how could I on our anniversary. I was, but not on our anniversary. And forget him, I wanted to tell you guys to stop complaining about vampires. It’s really annoying. I was also wondering if any of you knew what that thing was because no vampire i’ve talked to knows about it. You guys know what mind bendy space psycho elves are?