I’m writing this with a heavy heart, since I’m going to die in a few hours’ time and I wanted to share my story with other people. Not that anyone would care about it, just for a sense of closure from my side would be good before killing myself. I’m Eleanor or Elle, for short, and I’ve been a psychopath my entire life. A clinically diagnosed psychopath.
I loved torturing people. Well, not physically but mentally. It was fun to watch people slowly realize, to the full extent the damage I’d caused; it usually takes quite a lot of time and I love watching the exact moment it happens.
I tricked people for a living and it did work; I got very rich. They say that cheaters never win; I’m living proof that cheaters only lose if they get caught.
Now, many people don’t really know what a psychopath means, and generally assume that a psychopath is someone who is lonely, unlikable, and has a lust for killing and blood. That’s not entirely true. I’ve been a really people person; I’m likable, and I’d go as far as to say that I’m charismatic.
People love having me around, and that has probably helped in my ‘business’. I lie a lot, even if it doesn’t benefit me, I lie to make myself look more interesting to others.
Psychopaths don’t have the ability to empathize with others. All of my feelings are numbed down; I can feel happiness, sadness and jealousy up to a certain extent, but not for others, only for myself.
Anyway, it started two days ago. I was doing my scamming for the day, today’s casualty is an old woman. She ‘won’ a trip to Alaska from one of our ‘monthly polls’. Gullible old people were plenty in our business, and I wasn’t surprised at all.
We informed her that all the plane tickets to Alaska were canceled due to a blizzard and offered to make a refund for her tickets that we ‘cancelled’. We got her bank account and stole a huge sum from it, leaving just enough for her to last a week or two without any suspicion.
She thanked me for the ‘transaction’ and left. Marlowe and I left our temporarily rented space to go out to a bank to withdraw the money we had made. We always used different identities and bank accounts and withdrew right after doing our thing.
We returned with a sizable profit, and normally we would’ve laughed and partied lavishly, but it was late and we parted our ways.
I was on the way to my apartment when I decided to take a small detour as soon as I realized that I was being followed. I didn’t really feel afraid as I don’t really feel scared of anything, really. I was pretty strong. I’ve had my fair share of dealing with physical people, which is not that uncommon in my line of work.
He kept following me for a long time and by now I’m lost. Something told me that he wasn’t going to stop, so I slowed down my gait and sure enough he approached me. I always had an easy time knowing how others felt and what their intentions were, and I could tell that he wasn’t going to harm me physically, which was a huge relief. But I didn’t let my guard down.
I faced him. He stared right through my soul, which sent a chill through my spine. He stared at me as though he were reading me, and after he was done, he started speaking.
“I’ve seen what you have done. I know everything about how you destroy people’s lives. So I dug into your personal life and I got to know that you suffer from psychopathy.
I’ll make you a deal. I will make you a normal person for three days, in return for my silence. I won’t tell anyone about your crimes.”
It was impossible because I’m legally dead (missing, assumed dead) and I never used my real identity. He’s probably from a drug testing company with a really good identification system or something? I have no idea. I was curious if it’d work because I’d always wondered how it’d be to feel something and be normal.
“So..?”
“Okay.” I didn’t think twice; I’m an impulsive person and I’ve always made risky choices, but this was by far the most dangerous thing I’d agreed to.
“I thought you’d have a lot of questions, but I’m happy you don’t. Go home and take this pill, and you’ll experience normalcy for the next 72 hours, no more no less; and you won’t remember any of those three days. Take care,” and he walked away without any other explanation.
I went home, and the time was exactly 11. I just grabbed a glass of water and swallowed the pill without much thought. After all, I had nothing else to lose. After that my eyelids started getting heavy and I just dropped on my bed, fast asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, something wasn’t right. The sun wasn’t just a light source; it gave me a weird sensation which made me want to hop on my bed. Weird is an understatement, for it, I felt new, and alive. I couldn’t contain my excitement and I jumped up and down my bed, just as I used to as a child, but this time, it wasn’t because I wanted to annoy my parents.
I still didn’t believe that last night was real, a small urge to dance wasn’t really unusual for me, and certainly wasn’t enough for me to believe that I’m finally normal. It wasn’t until the next event that I seriously started considering that last night wasn’t just a dream.
I took my wallet and went down to have my breakfast at a small restaurant down the street. I took the stairs and started humming my favorite song. I walked down a short distance until I saw a car wreck near the local school. It was a total bloody mess.
A couple were inside the car which was T-Boned; the other car’s driver was declared dead. The couple mangled and injured in a macabre fashion, and there were children who started lining up to see the horrific scene. Normally I would’ve shrugged it off and gone by without it affecting my conscience, but something in me decided to help them and stick around for a while.
It wasn’t a big surprise that the couple were dead too, but I still felt desolate. The scene had imprinted itself in my brain. I could see it when I closed my eyes, and all I could think about was the accident.
I started to pay attention to the kids who were being ushered away from the place, and there was this little girl who was crying her eyes out. The people standing near me started asking her questions and we discovered that she was their daughter.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just remained silent. She was near the paramedics, sitting with an oversized blanket wrapped around her tiny body. She’s barely 7.
As I approached her, words didn’t come out of my mouth. I hugged her and cried with her. She seemed to appreciate that I didn’t try to say something sugarcoated to try and raise her spirits.
She just held my hand; she didn’t speak for a while, and she refused to let go of me, which made me feel warm in my hollow heart. CPS were there and wanted to take her away, but she wanted to stay with me. They tried convincing her, but she wasn’t having any of it.
Turns out she didn’t have any other kin. She had to be kept in foster care or some orphanage. I impulsively told the officers that I’d take her in with me. They had a lot of questions and they checked my apartment and took in my legal documents. They weren’t going to let some unknown stranger handle a kid at a whim.
They didn’t have much choice; the kid wanted to be with me. I didn’t know why, but I wanted to be with her too, and make things better for her. They made an exception after reviewing everything about me.
After touring my house, checking every inch of my house, they finally let me take her in for a month, sending some people to check on her everyday.
It was evening by the time we left. I realized that I didn’t really know her name. I asked her what her name was, how old she was, and all the basic things, on the way to the restaurant.
Her name was Elise, but she preferred Lee-Lee, which I found funny. She was only 6 years old, but she was wise beyond her years. She told me about her parents, they took her to family vacations every year, and they were very involved in her childhood. We got an ice cream, I don’t remember ice creams tasting this good.
I asked her why she wanted to be with me, a stranger. She said that she felt safe around me, and she thought that of all the people there, I was the only one who actually cared about her; that others were just there pitying her when I was feeling for her.
I felt over the moon that someone liked me and it was weird. I never thought that something like this would happen, never in my life. I could do anything for this precious being, and I was determined that I’d guard Lee-Lee with all I had.
Marlowe called me, but I ignored her. I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I took Lee-Lee home, and she was really tired and she slept soundly. I started thinking about everything I’d been doing for the last couple of months.
I felt guilty for doing those things, I was so cruel and ruthless, and if you think that I’m worthy of redemption, you’re wrong; me feeling sorry for what I did couldn’t erase the damage I’d caused. I saw Elise sleeping quietly; the poor thing cried herself to sleep.
I felt a maternal instinct towards her, wanting to protect her from anything that would ever happen to her. It was evening by then, and Lee-Lee woke up. We decided to go for a walk; there was a park nearby where she used to play. We both spent some time together. She was such a sweet kid. She was very soft-spoken and understanding; that I felt really proud of her.
As soon as she was done playing, I took her to my neighbor, Agatha, who was a sweet old lady. Her grandchildren came over to her place for a few days and I quickly explained everything and she was more than happy to look over Elise for a while. I had some things to settle.
I kept a log of my victims and I wanted to confess to them, starting with that old lady. I tracked her down. She was in a cemetery, in a black dress; I never noticed how tired and sad she looked and how young she was. Beneath her white hair, she was very beautiful. She sat on a bench and buried her face in her hands.
I couldn’t possibly tell anything, and I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t. I sat next to her and just let my stream of conscience do the work. I confessed everything, in between some quiet sobs.
“I did a lot of mistakes when I was your age dear, you’re still young and you can still do whatever you want with your life. It’s not too late, and half of the people who do these things wouldn’t have the conscience to admit it.
You are a good person.. I can tell you that, you can change your ways. Keep that money with yourself as you probably need it way more than I do. I won’t tell anyone about this, darling. I believe that you can do it, find yourself something you’ll love, and do it. Believe me, it will work wonders in your life,” she said.
I couldn’t believe that someone could be this kind; I came there expecting to be shamed and scolded. I never knew that humanity was this beautiful. I couldn’t keep her money with me, and I pleaded with her to take her money, for the sake of my own remorse. We hugged each other and left.
I came back to see Lee-Lee playing with the other kids, happy and in her own world. I realized that it was the first time I saw her smile. She was very pretty when she smiled.
I took her back home and thanked Agatha for looking after her. We both spent some time together, talking about our interests and what our favorite movies were and stuff like that. She was a very good artist, and she loved singing.
We both had more in common than I’d imagined; we both listened to the same type of music, and we were both sci-fi and horror geeks. I’ve never met someone more interesting than her. We both geeked out on our favorite characters and fell asleep to some of our favorite music.
I spent the next day getting to know her better and she was a really good and understanding companion. The day went faster than I’d imagined, and after Lee-Lee slept, I started thinking about how I’m not going to remember everything I’d felt and everything that’d happened.
I started to dread it. I wanted to search for that man and ask him to help me stay this way forever. I didn’t want to lose my Elise; I didn’t want to trick people again. I don’t…. I planned out everything; I’d ask Agatha to babysit Lee-Lee and I’d start searching for him. I checked the internet, but as I’d expected I found nothing useful.
It was dawn by the time I finally shut down my computer. Lee-Lee woke up and hugged me, and I kissed her on her forehead.
“Good morning kiddo. Want some butter and toast for breakfast?”
She nodded and went on to get herself ready. We both ate and I sent her to Agatha for a while. She was pretty understanding and told me that it was okay. I spent the whole day searching for him, but to no avail.
I didn’t want to be that way again. If my real self returns, then it will cause a lot more damage. I didn’t have any other choice. I had to kill myself.
The first thing that came to my mind was Elise… How will that kid go through this all over again? I want to stay with her, but I can’t. This has to be done. It was 5 in the evening. I wrote my will, I left all my possessions to Elise, and I left a substantial amount to charity.
I can’t let Lee-Lee look at my dead body in the apartment, nor could I face her now, even if I desperately want to. I drove to the ocean. I left my car unlocked and I went towards the ocean, spellbound.
The sensation of grainy sand underneath my toes and the gentle wind that swept my hair seemed like it pleaded me to stop. I looked back at the vast city, and a sudden realization stuck with me: I wasted my whole life.
There was beauty everywhere, and goodness in people. I dragged myself forward, but I found it really hard to do the act. I choked down on my tears and sat down near the shore. I started typing this out on my phone for some closure.
I know you’ll probably think of it as a goody-two-shoes-advice that everyone gives out, but; please stay kind to others. Life is too short to care about petty things.
Take care of the earth, kind stranger. Goodbye.