Ever since I was a child I’ve always felt like someone or something was watching me. whether I was in school or getting changed, the feeling remained, almost like that feeling that a bug is on you,of course there isn’t anything there, but you can’t help but feel like there is.This always stayed at the back of my mind, as when I told my parents 5 years ago, they sent me to a therapist as they thought I was mentally ill and a pathological liar. No matter how many times I tried to get help from my parents, they looked at each other with a look of disappointment or maybe it was a look of concern, I can’t quite remember as I’ve given up asking them at this point, but one thing I remember for sure is them ushering me to my room as my mum and dad began trying to figure out what went wrong with me.i felt as though the thing was laughing at me and my frustration, laughing at the fact that I was scared to speak up, laughing at my rage at the world for cursing me with this awful feeling.
My mental health has been slowly deteriorating as the feeling grows. Recently it hasn’t just been the feeling that’s been bothering me. Last Monday morning I woke up to heavy breathing on my neck, so close I could hear every inhale and exhale. I could even feel the warmth, every breath made me feel like crying my eyes out. But I couldn’t, i felt that paralysed, trapped almost, I refused to believe that it was happening. The breathing grew heavier as the morning sun began seeping through my blinds, I was growing anxious knowing my parents would give me that horrible look of worry and disgust at what they had raised the longer I stayed in bed having a silent panic attack. I couldn’t take it anymore, this thing that tormented me to for years, was right behind me. at that very moment I decided, I wanted it to kill me the moment i turned around, I wanted to be released from the torture that is this constant feeling of fear and panic. But I couldn’t bring my self to move, even breathing was a struggle. I tried to call out for help but it was as if i was paralysed, or even in a coma. The only thing I could do was cry and wish it would all end. For what felt like hours I tried everything I could to try get out of this endless torture. After awhile I was sick of it, i let out the most blood curdling scream, so loud my parents woke up from their deep sleep. The closer my parents got as they ran towards my room, the more movement I regained. And the moment the door opened, the breathing stopped. My parents looked at me with a look I hadn’t seen them give me before. It was was a look of pure fear, I don’t know if it was a fear for my safety or for what they think I might become.
Ever since that day stuff like that has been happening constantly. The scariest part is that now I’m beginning to think I am going insane. Yesterday my parents told me that I am being sent to a mental institution. I don’t know what to do, and I’m seriously questioning my sanity. I can feel it’s gaze from the closet as I’m writing this. It feels angry, like it wants to make my life even more hellish than it already is. Any advice?