“daymare • \DAY-mair\ • noun. : a nightmarish fantasy experienced while awake.”
the events I’m about to tell you are a mix of my real life & fantasy iv created to help me cope(i think?), please enjoy I’m not the best at writing and this is a first for me, I’m not going to point out everything that’s real or not(I’m not entirely sure what is and isn’t anymore) but If you have a question ask! But for some things… let’s say they’re better off… a mystery
‘Encroaching into minds with long spindly needle like tendrils, poking and writhing within the contained fleshy walls of your skin’
I snapped out of whatever thoughts I was having, slightly dazed as reality came hitting me like a tidal wave.
I couldn’t remember what was just going thru my mind, but I would, I just needed time for it to sink in. Given enough time I can infact remember almost anything, it just takes a lot of effort.
Too much processing to much information, and above all… it was waaay to bright everywhere I looked.
Brain injury stuff. I guess a little more information is needed. About 4.5 years ago I fell in love with a girl I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, about a year into the relationship.. She… well.. anyways I suffered a traumatic brain injury from that endeavor. Ever since then I would frequently imagine, or.. envision? The craziest and sometimes most unexplainable thoughts? You could possibly imagine.
It felt real to me, more than just something I could create, but the brain is powerful. It should not be underestimated, ‘ever’
what made matters worse was I was working not so long ago, construction, when I was smoked in the temple with a support beam. Great. Years of recovery gone just like that.
Now I’m in a hostel waiting for a claim to go thru to get me back on my feet since working wasn’t a current option.
Anyways.
The hostel wasn’t bad actually, it had a nice atmosphere , people were polite and respectful, most importantly tho it had AC.
So I didn’t mind spending my days here for the most part. But every now and then I’d get this.. overwhelming sense of impending doom Like the sky would completely darken yet it would be noon on the dot, people would fade away as if they were never there to begin with, time itself as the artificial construct it was would lose meaning, was it still? Going slow, fast or was time flowing in reverse? It didn’t matter, in those moments I was experiencing whatever existed before time itself, and honestly, it freaked the shit out of me.
Was I even still in reality or was this some sort of weird alternate my mind created when I was over stimulated and this is what my mind filled the gaps with to cope with shutting down.
Regardless of what it was I couldn’t tell if these moments were expanding or becoming less in the time I spent in them, because after all in these very frames of what I was experiencing time ment nothing.
I was laying in my temporary bed, top bunk of course, when I realized I had entered into what we will now refer to as a ‘daymare’
I didn’t even notice at first this time which was strange, I was calm, usually the whole doom thing was a prelude, maybe my brain is doing this out of habit now? I could muster some ability to process as being calm is well, a gift, a luxury for those with TBI’s.
The whole room darkened like after an unsolicited joke from my favorite uncle at Christmas time who enjoyed nothing more than levity, shock humor and the silence of a room right after his godforsaken unholy punchlines
Almost darker than usual tho, I reached out and could ‘feel’ the darkness pulsating trying to envelope my hand as if to feed on my very being and it was ‘hungry’ I retracted my hand so fast I thought I gave myself whiplash, I was used to seeing things, even audible hallucinations weren’t off the table, but to and I seriously can’t stress this enough ‘feel’ it was a whole new level of sensory betrayel I couldn’t handle at the moment.
I hugged my pillow a tear coming from my eye. I felt like I had no one, and no one had me, even the simplest of tasks were arduous and now ‘this??’
I broke down for a moment and would have been fine but it was about to get a whole lot worse, as my pillow and blankets shot out of my hand, I looked and thats when it came into view out of the darkness painfully stretching towards me was three hand like forms with nowhere near human looking appendages that were reaching out from the darkness
Oh the darkness Seriously it can fuck off now I’m scared I cannot process or deal with this I have enough anxiety to stop an elephants heart And my mind was going completely blank as I attempted to do absolutely nothing about the horrific sight infront of me
The lights suddenly flipped on as one of my bunkmates entered the room,
“You all right mate?” He asked never got his name but so thoroughly enjoyed his presence in this moment.
“Yea! Honestly I don’t even recall what I was just thinking about.”
Looking at the sweaty pale state I was in He said “must have been serious, uuuh, would you care to join me outside on the bench? Fresh air maybe some water?”
Iv been having a hard time socializing and honestly there’s nothing i want more than honest friendship but at the moment I knew I couldn’t handle it. Iv been fucking limited as a human because of this brain shit.
“I will later gotta shower at the moment sorry dude” I said with a clearly sad look to me and I could sense his pity. I don’t want pity tho I just want to be a regular human again. So frustrating. Anyways I grabbed my stuff and headed to the showers.
I was washing my hair and closed my eyes, and maybe kept them closed a little too long or I would have potentially noticed it.
When suddenly I heard what I can only loosely describe as a voice, it was more of just like an instant understanding as if I’d always known this or knew exactly what was being said in my mind
“Voyager, drifter ‘brother’ why do you ignore us? Why do you pretend like we do not exist, why will you not help us come to ‘you’ “ I opened my eyes a sunk in horror as directly above me as a void of light type of skin had replaced the ceiling above me, and thousands of eyes ranging from small to big looked down upon me in utter disgust.
What in the eldritch horror was this thing?!? Was it real??
“Delay all you want my child ‘brother’ but ‘we’ are coming.” There it was again, brother? The fuck was it talking about?
I collected myself still very panick stricken but noped myself out of there so quick I was still soaking wet in the hallway. Which to my ghastly surprise was covered in this abysmal skin as well but instead of eyes it was mouths with irregular shaped teeth and tongues that just didn’t biologically make sense, the teeth were broken and tiny fractals could be seen within an display of infinite atrocity
“What the f” I began to mouth as suddenly all the mouth in unison with guttural like voices cried out. ‘Release us, bring us out of here, end our suffering and bring us to your pane’
I tried to run but tripped over something fleshy smashing my knose, which instantly bled, which honestly I counted as a blessing because it snapped me out of whatever that ‘was’ and I was standing in the normal hostel hallway now.
Shaken and paranoid I dried myself off properly got some food water and sat on the bench with good old buddy whose name I yet again forgot to ask.
That’s when I first noticed ‘him’ a man wearing an all black suit with tinted shades that you couldn’t see thru. He was facing towards the building, opposite to me but somehow I got the feeling he was watching me… but how?
Even stranger tho was how damn hot it was, and yet, he looked like a block of ice, not a drip of sweat even in that heavy all black suite
I sat with no name(God I’m terrible he’s a person and deserves to be called by his name) for a littlewhile before I slumped shamefully and said “ hey I’m sorry, I never got your name”
He smiled cheerfully and simply said “matt” whith such an understanding benevolence I dropped my guard for a second.
But then I remembered and felt horrid disgust in myself that matt has actually told me about 4 times now and I just couldn’t remember.
And yet he took no offense, 0 resentment in his words as if he was used to it, which also made me feel bad.
“I’m so sorry matt, I should have remembered”
He just smiled softly said “it’s nothing mate water off a ducks back really”
I could tell how geniune and kind this dude was, which I appreciate way more than I can type in words.
We sat and had a good chat when I noticed the sun going down
“Almost tome for bed!” He nodded in agreement, I gathered my cup and plate and went to head inside when I noticed the man from earlier still sitting there staring and what seemed like nothing.
As I got up to move something captured my attention, from the corner of my eye I could see my reflection in the door’
I shuddered. Was this guy watching me thru the reflection the whole time?
As the thought came in my mind he smiled as if he knew ‘exactly’ what just crossed it.
“Good lord” I whispered under my breath
Yea I need sleep. Too much in one day
Im writing this the morning after, what happened last night I’m still processing thru frankly it was one of the worst experiences of my life, and my mother would regularly watch the movie “rent” all the time.
I never cared for that stuff until I had a daughter of my own. Now I hate to admit it but it’s all grown on me.
Anyways I need to dissociate for awhile let what happened sink in. If anyone’s interested I’ll recount what happened.