My name is Ethan and I live in a world of darkness.
I don’t know how old I am.
I call myself Ethan, but that’s just the oldest name I can remember. I’ve been called many names since then because every time I fall asleep, I get transported to a new reality, a new life, with a new family, friends, and identity. It’s been happening for as long as I can remember.
At first, I think I am just dreaming, but as the years go by, it becomes clear that there’s something more sinister at play. Every time I close my eyes and drift to sleep, I wake up in a new reality and I am always the only one who remembers my previous lives. I’m a prisoner in my own mind, trapped in a cycle of endless horror and detachment.
One morning, I wake up as a man in his mid-thirties, living in a small town in rural America. I have a wife, two kids, and a job as a mechanic. It feels like home, but as soon as I close my eyes and drift to sleep, I get transported to another reality. This time, I am a young woman living in a bustling district of Tokyo. I’m angry about missing out on a promotion at work. I wake up in the Middle East, part of covert ops team doing unspeakable acts in the shadows of the night.
Every time I wake up in a new life, I feel like I am living a stranger’s life until my thoughts slow down and my consciousness drifts back into focus. I struggle to maintain any sense of self because I am constantly losing my memories and identity. The cycle continues and I become more and more detached until I feel like I am nothing more than a ghost, haunting the lives of others. How can I love them, be there for them? I am there as long as I can stay awake, then I’m gone. Who takes my place?
As I’ve lived through countless lives, I’ve tried to find answers, some explanation for what’s happening, but no one ever seems to remember me or even believe my story. I can’t remember if I’ve been more good or bad. I have wonderful memories. I have many memories I wish I didn’t.
I finally find someone to speak to, a researcher at a university, she believes me. I’ve been up for six days straight, fighting to stay awake as she hooks me up to dozens of machines.
She tells me she can help, but I doze off.
I wake up and I’m in college. I find a dead body next to me. A girl’s. I throw up. I call the police and go back to bed. I try to process it.
Is it my fault or the fault of the body I’m inhabiting? I can’t remember the researcher’s name or the university she worked at. It’s already a distant dream.
I feel alone, lost, and scared.
I try to talk to someone again, anyone that will listen, they think I am crazy or delusional. I’m filled with pain and heartache. I am always leaving behind people I love and I never know if I will see them again in another life. But the cycle will go on and I will wake up in another reality and the process will repeat itself. The one thing I have never tried is dying. I have always gone to sleep.
I’ve been afraid of what might happen if I don’t wake up again. But now, I am at the end of my rope. I can’t keep living like this, constantly losing everything and everyone I have ever loved. I have come to realize that there is no escape from this cycle unless I end it myself.
So, I have made the decision to try and break the cycle.
I don’t know if it will work, but I have hope.