Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
Telling this to Reddit because I don’t have anyone else to tell and I want to get this off my chest.
My wife and I are about to be evicted in four days. We both work full-time and we’ve tried everything, asking friends and family for money, weird craigslist jobs, applying to every loan and credit card, I spent a few hours after work with a cardboard sign at the intersection outside our apartment. I even talked to our apartment complex manager and begged for an extension, nope. We are completely out of options. (Side note, our apartment complex has signs everywhere advertising their Thanksgiving food drive for families in need, which is almost funny in an ironic way.)
When we said “for richer or for poorer,” I didn’t know poorer could look like this. She has an abscessed tooth we can’t afford to fix, we very irregularly take our medications (like two weeks on, one week off), and we eat oatmeal for both meals each day. (We never eat three meals, what are we, millionaires?) Not to mention, it’s snowing outside, which is bad because, you know, that’s where we’re about to be living.
I have a history with suicide, I went through a lot of therapy and I’m on medication so I’m stable now. Even still, it’s hard to fight the feeling of “If I just ended it now, I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.” I try to keep it from showing, but last night she sat me down to tell me it was still coming through. She told me that my mental health is more important than anything physical, we’d make it through, I’m doing a good job, the only thing I can’t do is kill myself and leave her to suffer through this alone.
But I can’t do this. I can’t, won’t, let us live in the streets. On our wedding day, I vowed I’d take care of her, and now we’re about to be homeless. But still, last night I swore up and down that I wouldn’t kill myself. I didn’t want to lie to my wife, but what was I gonna say?
I feel bad, because I know her family will hate me, but it’s because they don’t understand that this is what my wife wants too. She doesn’t want to live without me, and I won’t make her. Besides, even though I know I’ll be dead, I don’t want my wife to find out I lied.
I recently saw a Reddit post from a girl who confessed to drowning her own sister in the bathtub. I’ve been saving up medication so I can get her to sleep comfortably, then I can gently rest her face down in the tub. I can’t imagine holding her down, or scaring her, or hurting her. She’ll never know, and then she won’t know when I break my promise.
So, goodbye Reddit. Wish me and my wife love. Thank you for listening.