I’m 17 and I’m chronically online. It’s not a rumor when people say you can fall in love on the internet. Ive dated three men on the internet, I’ve talked to men for pure entertainment and I’m currently dating someone on the internet. I live in the US but he lives across the damn world being 12 hours ahead of me. I don’t like to say it’s an online relationship and have called it a long distance relationship but I’m coming to terms that it’s just a sad online relationship. I have never minded online dating, but I’m getting a bit too old to online date and I don’t want to online date anymore.
For context, I was always the ugly, fat kid. Throughout middle school not one boy would bat an eye and I felt insecure when my friends with boobs and small waists got boyfriends whereas I was the chubby, ugly friend with no romantic experiences. What felt worse is that boys would ask me out as a joke or make dares to talk to me and flirt with me.
To fix my loneliness I went on the internet and began talking to boys. I’m guessing I did it so often because I liked the attention and comfort of being able to hide my fatness and ugliness behind a bright screen. I didn’t fake my personality and I can confidently say that I’m a loving person. I like showing my love to people but boys in person didn’t want to see that because I was ugly on the outside.
Throughout high school, I’ve gotten prettier. I lost baby fat and my body and face has changed significantly. So naturally boys start turning their heads but I’ve never had a romantic interaction with a man before so I ignore it. All until my male friends started showing interest in me. It’s like they’re all competing against each other to see who can get with me first.
One thing to know about me is that I love attention, probably because I didn’t get much from my father (daddy issues) and boys at school. One of my guy friends recently bought me $70 worth of yarn because he knows I love crocheting and I’m always running low on yarn. So what did I do? I made him a Spider-Man crochet plushie since he loves Spider-Man and I gifted it to him for his birthday along with some of his favorite treats and oh my god the smile on his face was heart melting.
Although these are all acts of friendships, I don’t know what to do about the online dating because I still have feelings for my boyfriend but it’s getting harder everyday since I have an opportunity I’ve never had before: to have a real relationship. My online boyfriend is a great guy and he has potential. But we can’t express our love for each other when we’re 12 hours apart. I don’t want to break his heart and dump him for a guy who I can see and feel everyday. All this online dating for 5 years has made me so touch deprived that I’m willing to do anything to be able to cuddle with my lover, go out on dates, have my first kiss and do all the high school sweetheart things.
This has kept me up at nights and I’m not getting anywhere with my love life. For the first time in my entire years of living, a boy actually likes me and is trying to make me his. I think I’m starting to get feelings for my guy friend but i don’t want to be the asshole and break up with my boyfriend for something that might backfire on me (my guy friend has dated my ex-friend. She brutally cheated on him). I know I’m still very young but I know I will regret not taking the opportunity to experience high school love. Just something to get off my chest and advice or feedback is greatly appreciated. 🙏🏼