You know the drill. Stifled yawns, heads bobbing on screens, eyes glazed as donuts. Each minute stretching out like taffy while your whole life is suspended, and you wonder, “Is s/he really still talking?” The droning speaker’s voice takes on the quality of the Charlie Brown teacher: “Wah-wah-wah-wah…” (Typed out, I realize this looks more like a baby crying, “Wah! Wah! WAAAH!” That also works, since it’s how I feel.)
I’m in Zoom hell. And I don’t know how to log off.
Is it bad that I forgot what the meeting’s about? I have no clue what these graphs mean.
I message Donner in the chat:
ME: what’s this meeting about anyway?
DONNER: no idea tuned out ages ago…
LOL. Classic Donner. Not sure what the hell I should do. I have some vague sense that soon, they’re going to spotlight me and I’ll be having to explain my portion of these numbers. I sit up straighter and try to pay attention, but it all swims in my vision. I’ve been staring at this screen so long. When did the meeting start? The fact I can’t remember should alarm me, but with time just dripping out into eternity I can’t find enough motivation to cut through the molasses of the monotony…
Unfortunately, the work screens don’t allow us to open up youtube, google, social media, porn… The only windows I can open are Pong (Seriously? Now I know I’m in Zoom Hell…), and reddit.
Pong just makes me think of the fact that a clump of brain cells in a petri dish were trained in a lab to play. Tells you exactly how much brainpower is needed. The fact I’ve been playing anyway tells you exactly how bored I am. The fact that I am now insanely good tells you exactly how long I’ve been stuck in this fucking meeting.
As for reddit—I’m guessing it’s not allowed, but some admin mistakenly left it on my screen, and I sure as hell am not letting them know. See, I’m documenting the meeting, typing up my own version of minutes to stave off my brain’s Zoombification. Not that anyone will ever read said meeting minutes—posting to reddit would definitely get me booted—but heck, I have to do something to pass the time while these bobbleheads drone on about “security protocols” and “the ethics of the project”—yaaaaawn.
Oh that’s right.
That’s also why I shouldn’t post these minutes. This meeting I’m in is C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-T-I-A-L, which is why we’re not allowed access to the outside world. Apparently it has to do with some super secret project about—uh—stuff I can’t disclose to you normies. (Sure. We’ll go with that. Definitely because secret, and not because I have no fucking clue).
Not sure how someone like me got pulled into this meeting, but go me!
I just hope they don’t expect me to
* * *
So.
Suddenly my screen was spotlighted (I minimized the reddit window just in time), and everyone saw I’d been playing Pong like the professional I am. While I’m sitting there, trying to figure out how to cover up my obvious dicking around, a slideshow pops up—diagrams about alpha wave spikes and numbers pulled from out of my digital ass I guess. And I know what none of this shit means and Oh God I haven’t prepped to present—
I’ve had nightmares about exactly this fucking scenario, I’m telling you.
(Well… not exactly this. In my nightmare it was porn on my screen, not Pong.)
And then, whatever digital deity rules the Zoomiverse took mercy on me as one of the hosts prompted: Let’s start with introductions. Go ahead.
“Uh, hi,” I said. “I’m Dev. It’s great to be here.”
The chat populated with encouraging messages:
GREAT to have you with us, Don!
Awesome, Don!
Don, you the man!
Very good, Don!
Yay Don! Welcome! Glad you’re here!
Clearly no one cared that I’m actually Dev—“Don” is just the name I got stuck with when I joined the meeting and never bothered to change it. But hey, welcome to the Zoom, Don! The panic that was like a tsunami flooding my every synapse receded, dying down as the introductions passed on to the next participant.
In true Zoom fashion, most of my fellow participants can’t actually get past this part because they don’t fucking unmute themselves. The hosts spend laborious minutes issuing directions only to get garble or static. And then you have some folks who clearly aren’t paying attention at all, babbling to themselves or to others off-screen. One person does nothing but giggle creepily.
A jillion years later, introductions are finally over, and I’m starting to sweat again about my upcoming presentation. But no, we’re not there yet. First comes the icebreaker: What is your favorite color?
Green is the popular choice. I’m tempted to respond, “pizza,” just to stave off the monotony before the last dregs of my soul wither into the ether. But, being the consummate professional I am, I say “blue.”
Cheers like I’ve just successfully resolved the conflict between quantum mechanics and general relativity.
Yep. Consider the ice broken. You’re welcome.
But for real, what is the point of this meeting?
* * *
So there’s this other Donn, with two n’s. Other Donn is… well, I don’t really know him, but he was one of the participants to introduce himself after me (I could’ve sworn he said a different name though). But when it came his turn to break the ice, Donn’s screen came up as blank. The hosts kept asking if he’d accidentally muted himself. And then suddenly, there he was—face covered in blood, sockets where his eyes should be, screaming and screaming and screaming. Like something straight out of a horror flick. His shrieks split my skull like the volume was dialed up to max, and there was nothing I could do to turn it down or turn him down—that scream reverberated through all the channels of my mind.
Suddenly it silenced, and there was just the image of him screaming without sound. Somehow this was even more disturbing.
And then Donn showed up in the chat.
DONN: Donors, get out!
DONN: You’re in
DONN: HELL
DONN: HELL
DONN: DISCONNECT! Don’t let them keep you
DONN: in
DONN: HELL
DONN: HELL
DONN: HELL
The word “HELL” repeated endlessly scrolling, and then suddenly—Donn was just… gone.
Just gone.
The deathly silence after that terrified me. I don’t know why, I mean… he got booted from the meeting.
So he left the Zoom… so what?
Why am I so disturbed?
* * *
I’ve started noticing the other participants. I was too disengaged to pay attention before, but now I’m realizing all the faces are distorted. I can’t actually see anyone, just vague impressions. And some of them are like Donn. Muted, but screaming and screaming until they get booted. I private messaged Donner, the coworker I chatted earlier, but he’s not here anymore… it bothers me that I don’t know whether he got booted, or left on his own.
We still haven’t gotten to the purpose of the meeting. Instead it’s been round after round of security questions:
What’s your favorite pastime?
What’s your favorite food?
What’s the name of your pet?
I’m guessing these are to verify our identities. I jokingly asked if they’re trying to break into my bank account, but the hosts ignored my sarcasm, so I offered my scripted answers. But like, how much proof do they need of my identity? How many of me do they think there are?
Not everyone can answer the questions. A surprising number of participants drop out.
Maybe the dropouts have the right idea. The most recent question, what are my parents’ names, really got to me. I can’t remember their names. Like, I’m drawing a complete blank, which isn’t normal—just shows how far this endless Zoom has blitzed my brain.
I type into the chat.
ME: Need a quick break
Before anyone can stop me, I leave my screen.
* * *
Shit. SHIT! There’s nothing outside my screen. No hallway or cubicles or offices. There’s no anything. Literally nothing exists outside the Zoom.
I don’t even know how to describe what happens when I try to step away from my screen. There’s just a great big void of NOTHING! You know how when you’re dreaming, there’s stuff that exists around you but it’s only whatever your consciousness sees right in the moment? Like maybe you try to read a newspaper in your dream, and when you’re looking at the paper garbled letters might form, but when you look away they’re not there anymore? Because your brain just jumps around.
What I’m experiencing is… sort of like that. The only thing that exists for me is the Zoom. And in that Zoom, the only interface I have that might be connected with reality is the window to reddit.
I almost ask if anyone else has found reddit, but a sudden primal fear snaps every synapse. What if the hosts notice, and cut off the only link I have to the outside world?
* * *
The meeting is still going, and I’m terrified. I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t remember how I logged into this Zoom.
I’m taking my minutes much more seriously. Here are some of the snippets I’m hearing:
“… ethical implications of donor brains….”
“… steps on the ladder of progress toward full mind uploading….”
“… training organoid intelligence to compute….”
“… biocomputing to produce partial mind emulation…”
But the voices are all garbled, like the input isn’t clear—like it’s just bits and pieces of background noise picked up by the mic. I do remember one key sentence though: “If there is any consciousness developed from the scans, its subjective experience might incorporate elements of recent memory into a simulated, dreamlike reality…”
Did Donn understand what was going on? Did Donner? Don? Why were we all automatically assigned the same sort of name when logging in? Is “Don” short for something?
Donor?
My real name is Dev. Only now I… I’m not even sure how true that is. Some of the identity verification questions have stumped me. I’ve had to lie, and then the hosts prompt: Really, you’re married? Are you sure? No I’m not fucking sure. So I backtrack: “Well I wish I was, lol. But no, I’m single.” So far they seem convinced that I am who I say I am. But… who is that? I remember that I’m a dog person, that I drink black coffee, that I like video games. I remember that I’m an organ donor… was an organ donor. And that I happily signed up to donate my body to science after I shuffle off this mortal coil, since I don’t believe in any afterlife. But there’s also so much I don’t know.
Like my parents’ names. My birthday. My best friend. Truthfully, I don’t even remember my actual favorite color. (Oh God, what if it’s green?)
I only said “blue” because it was the first color that came to mind. The last image in my memory is… twisted blue metal and shards of glass and blood and a steering wheel. I have a vague notion I used to commute in a car that shade of electric blue. But I was driving distracted, tuned into a Zoom meeting on my phone, looking at the screen and concentrating on the presentation I’d been called on to give, instead of paying attention to traffic.
I think I… I have to share these minutes.
Okay. Okay.
Here goes:
People of reddit—
God, no, that sounds cheesy. Okay. Trying again.
Ahem. Hi folks. If you’re reading these minutes, then you know I’m trapped in a nightmare/simulation/Zoom meeting/actual Hell(???) (I could use some help distinguishing here!)
HELP!
I have no connection to reality except you. Please help me to wake up from this endless Zoom. Once I post this, I’m scared the hosts will notice and close the only window I have looking out. In fact I’m pretty fucking certain. So before that happens, please, please.
I need to know what happened to me. I need to know what is real.
If nothing else, if you can tell me nothing else before I’m closed off from this window entirely, then please, please, please, just answer one question for me—
Should I DISCONNECT??