Ok, hi, hello my name is Lucas. That’s not my real name, so, yeah sorry but we’re not that close yet. Not close enough to give you my name any way, but I’m sure that’ll change.
I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re here, reading this poorly thrown together jumble of words but I assure you the mystery will all be revealed, eventually or maybe never. It sorta depends on how far you get, read on if you’re a sucker for the unknown.
Anyways, sorry, yes, on to the reason you’re here. I’m looking for some help, but not in the way you normally would acquire aid. I’m not asking for money or advice or even a hug, I’m looking for people, people who can overcome difficult tasks, make hard choices and possibly be good with conversation.
I need people who can break up fights or start ones when the moment calls for it, I specifically need someone who doesn’t cry at funerals as well. Oh and if you’re the type who loves to finish puzzles in one sitting I’m sorry but you can stop reading now, those types just never fit in here.
To get started, try to remember the last time you were happy, was it in class getting a good grade? Or perhaps a beautiful day walking next to the river? Or even a night out with friends you’d lost touch with over the years. Do you have it? Do you got it? Good, now hold that thought, keep it in your mind and now forget about it. Are you sad I took that thought away? Do you want it back? Well tough, sadly once a memory is forgotten it’s taken by someone else, now it’s a dream or a stroke of inspiration for another. I hope you’re not sad, I’d be happy knowing my pleasant memory gave someone else joy. If you feel crossed with me, by all means stop reading, but if you can forgive me please continue. I need someone with a healthy amount of forgiveness, even if it isn’t deserved.
Next the questionnaire, here are some questions I’d like you to ask yourself are: Are you fond of colors? Have you slept well knowing your place in the universe? Does it upset you when a bug is crushed? Do you wish you could undo the past? If I made you toast with jam, would you be upset that I didn’t ask you first which jam you proffered? Do you believe in ghosts? If so, why don’t I?
Now, if you answered yes to all these questions I’m sorry, you’re not the person I’m looking for, but you’re most likely a splendid human if not for the jam and toast bit. I mean, it’s honestly just breakfast, if your answers seem to be yes and no then please continue reading. I need someone who can see both sides of the coin.
Consider us now acquainted, you’re one step closer to knowing my name. How exciting.
Next, I’m going to tell you a story. Sit and listen, I hope you’ll enjoy this. Once upon a time a man and his wife moved to the countryside to start a carrot farm, the man loved to garden and his wife loved nature. It was the perfect decision they both thought, the husband would have access to the rich soil of the countryside and the wife could spend her days among the trees.
One day during his gardening the man spotted a deer grazing on his carrots, grabbing his shovel he killed and butchered the deer for taking his lovely carrots and buried the remains in the forest nearby. The next day the wife killed her husband and buried him among the carrots, and the day after that, the deer killed the wife and buried her next to the house.
How’d that story make you feel? Do you side with the man who killed the deer? The wife who killed her husband or the deer who killed the wife?
If you chose to side with the man I believe it’s time we part ways, the poor animal was just trying to eat.
If you chose to side with the wife then please stop reading as the man didn’t deserve to die by the hands of his wife for trying to protect their livelihoods. Plus deer make for hearty feasts.
But if you sided with the deer you’re better off not continuing, for one, deer don’t come back to life to enact revenge and two, that deer took revenge on someone who tried to appease its death in their stead. How rude to kill someone who only sought to make things right, even if misguided.
Now I see you’re upset, but I need someone who would look at that story and call me a lunatic for concocting such an absolutely insane tale expecting to take sides. Fret not, you may continue reading but know, the side you took will be noted when I must make my decision. Unless of course you did in fact call me a crazy fool to which I say, well done, full marks.
Excellent, we’ve reached the halfway point of the interview. I’m sorry, you seem confused. Did I not mention this was an interview, I’m sure I did, I’m positive I did. You must be forgetting a lapse in time, it’s alright, it happens to us all, time is often difficult to understand and I’m sure your brain just didn’t have enough space to remember when I told you this simple instruction.
Now, now, don’t be crossed with me, I wasn’t the one who forgot! Honestly, you expect me to just play along? Make you feel better by lying about your inability to remember small minute insignificant bits of information. I say, I’m a bit surprised you’d be so upset with me given how nice I’ve been. Tell ya what, why don’t you leave, that’s right, leave. I’ve no use for people who can’t keep their head on straight and to be truthful I didn’t think you’d pass anyways. So go on, take your pea sized brain and shove off for all I care. I’m sure I can find someone worthy and with some modicum of respect.
What, you’re still reading, honestly what do you expect to happen, an apology, answers? a fucking parade?! Sorry but you ain’t getting one. Oh blast I just apologized didn’t I? Well I guess you got what you wanted. Are you happy knowing you won? Are you pleased you’ve outsmarted me? I didn’t apologize for calling your brain small, which it still is, mind you.
Yet you continue to read, even though I slandered your name, called you awful things and straight out lied to you. You must truly want answers then, or perhaps you’re a bit insane, either way, continue if you choose, I will complete the interview regardless of your desire. Push forward we must.
Very well, let us move on to the next section of the interview. The world is ending, the world has ended, the world is now empty. What do you fill the world with? Picture it now in your mind, are there trees? Are people happy? Is the sky still blue or perhaps a new color never before seen?
How do the buildings take shape? Did we build them? Are there buildings in this new world? Or are they still rubble from an old era? Do the birds still sing? I do have a fondness for birds and their songs. In my world the birds always sing, the trees always grow and the sun is a square, simply because circles can not be trusted.
Tell me what your world looks like. If it had water in it I’m glad you care for thirst, water is by far my favorite liquid. Did your world have war? We know it is inevitable, but perhaps you found a way to quell the rage of the stricken and depraved. By chance was there hope in your world? But why need hope when the world is perfect? Perhaps your world wasn’t perfect after all. If you dream of a perfect world, please stop reading.
Do you feel like you could make a better world? No? Or yes? A simple answer to a question that holds so much weight on the mind. What is the perfect existence? Have any of us achieved it? How can we strive for perfection when we have not the ideal blueprints to work from? I say it’s most complexing to be us, always looking to achieve another goal, gain a new skill, climb that ladder we call success.
Do you find it easy to be a human? Do you think it’s effortless to be alive, if you answered yes. Please stop reading, I need someone who knows the tribulations of humanity and lives them, carries them and accepts them. What I need is someone who knows these truths, yet still lives knowing the answers we wish we could exist without. Continue reading if you live knowing the weight of truth.
Goodness, that part of the interview always gets so heavy, I feel like I need a break. Do you need a break? Gosh, remember when the questions were about colors and ghosts. What a time, what a time indeed.
Can I get you something to drink? A creme soda perhaps? Those are favorites among the staff, so we always have some. A coffee might suit you better, we all need that drive to get us through the day. Or perhaps a tea, steeped and brewed to perfection?
Now, I think soda is a perfectly fine choice if you want to join the social norm, but tea at this time of day might make you an outlier and be shunned. However coffee is a safe bet and well respected but could you honestly go without it if you had to?
Or by chance, did you choose a fourth option, maybe even a glass of water, seeing as you knew water was my favorite liquid. Regardless of your choice you must know, even the smallest choices we make, create stories for others to weave about you. Even if you chose nothing, the absence of choice can still lead to vastly drastic conclusions. I would even suggest you stop reading if your decision was to drink nothing. Seeing as I was so kind as to offer a free beverage.
Pardon me while I drink my beverage, take this time to ponder if you’ll continue, if you think you wish to proceed by all means enjoy your drink as well. . . . . Refreshing, yes? I feel better knowing we shared a moment to enjoy our drinks. I would almost call us working friends, if that’s OK with you? If we are friends, please, I’d like to continue but if you see me as annoying, insufferable or not worth your time by all means, there’s the door.
Those who have stayed, I’m glad you’re here, you honor me with your time, the small amount of time you have gifted me is something I will cherish forever until the very stars that light our sky explode and shower the void with its light.
I’m getting carried away, but know, I still care about the time we share. Speaking of time, would you like some back? Are you old now? Are you young and want to be old? I can give you these things you know? I can give you all the time you want, or all the time you need. Do you need a day, a month or even a lifetime? Did you get it right the first time, or do you need more time to prove your worth? Perhaps you want more time to figure things out, or more time to get things the way you want them. I’ve been given so much time I often find myself wasting it on useless things, so sometimes I give my time to others. How much will you take from me? You can have it all if you wanted, I won’t hold it against you, you might need it more than me? Or maybe you squandered the time you were given and now seek to merely take advantage of this opportunity. Either way, no grudge awaits you.
How much did you take? A few seconds to collect your thoughts or did you by chance take too much? I feel myself slipping, perhaps it’s my time to pass on now, I don’t hold it against you, you needed it more than me, I was only going to spend it listening to the birds sing. What a waste of time some would say. Would you say the same?
I kept enough time to finish this interview, my job requires me to do so, I’m one of the best employees here and I plan to keep that record going. Let’s wrap things up, I’d hate to upset the working conditions here with my untimely death.
Now, onto the final questions. Are we friends? Have I made a good impression? I’m sorry to ask but I truly must know, a friendship cannot simply exist if only one participant wishes it so. If you read this far, I think you’re my friend, at least by my standards, to listen to me speak and continue to read is a great show of friendship, it’s clear really. You may think you’re obligated to stay but I’ve given you escape and yet here you remain. A stranger who continues to listen to someone who doesn’t know their real name.
So are we friends? Your answer matters most, If yes then, thank you. But you must leave because you’re too easy to please and quick to trust which is what I don’t need. If not then thank you, please continue to read.
The truth is you’ll never know my name, none truly do, so continue to read if that’s OK with you.
The job I need you for, is one unlike any other, to make the choice I can’t, the one I wished to never burden on another. You see my interviewee, the job for which I have for you is one that takes respect, a modicum of grace and above all wit. Not many can perform this task and so I leave it to the chosen few who can make the choice I rarely do. You’ll be the one to cut the thread of the ones we love and the ones we hate, you’ll be the ones to end their fate.
I’m sorry for the theatrics, but I really had to be sure, if you’re the one who’s willing to make life’s grand detour. The hours are long, the task is grueling but the right employee will do so willingly, so I wish to continue this interview if you read up to this part. You’re now on my short list so bravo for getting this far.
Please leave your resume, I’ll keep your answers safe, and two or three references just in case.
Thank you again for lending me your time, I cherish it still. I hope you cherish mine.
We’ll be in touch…