I’m asking for because I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m afraid I’m going crazy… I need to explain to you some background about my story. I’m really out of my mind at this moment.
I have suffered from severe low back pain since the age of 22 (I am 34 today) which appeared without an identified factor. One morning in the fall of 2017 around 5:00 pm I presented an attack of excruciating pain, with in particular sternal pain which prevented me from breathing, my spine was like being crushed in a vice, my shoulders, my elbows, my wrists, my hands were swollen and sore, I couldn’t reach my phone to call 911 for help.
I was living with 3 students (including a medical student) so despite the schedule (5:00 pm) I resolved to scream for help and my roommates came to my rescue.
When my roommate which was medical resident saw my condition, he immediately understood that I was suffering from rheumatoid arthritis. I was transported to the university hospital in my city and the diagnosis was confirmed by the staff.
The rheumatologists explained to me that I had to be treated with a powerful immunosuppressive treatment called Etanercept, which is administered by twice-weekly infusions.
Things went well for 5 years, I had no more pain. We had the project to have a child with my companion and this project had been put on hold due to my health problems. We asked for the agreement of the rheumatologists who told us that everything was medically ok.
I got pregnant with a baby boy 18 months ago, and the first 7 months have been great. I did not have a relapse of polyarthritis, my immune system showed some signs of weakness.
And one night in the 7th month of pregnancy, I started to feel bad, body aches, fever, the light and the noise hurt my eyes, I kept vomiting… My companion told me the rest because I lost consciousness. My partner called 911 and I was moved to the intensive care unit for… bacterial meningitis related to the side effects of my arthritis treatment.
I was in a coma for 1 month, intubated and ventilated by a machine, I lost everything that made me a person, and above all I lost my son who was going to make me a happy mother. My son died in utero and I had a cesarean performed on me while I was in a coma… I still can’t get over what happened. I see a psychologist twice a week to move forward.
The problem I need your advice on makes my blood run cold just to think of it, to make things even more real than they are. I kept a very strange sequel my bacterial meningitis: as soon as I am alone I hear the theme of a music box, which comes from afar, with a lot of echo. I’m sure the sound doesn’t come from us because we don’t have a music box with my partner. These musical appearances tend to pop up a lot when I’m alone in the car and sometimes need to check if the music isn’t coming from the car so much it sounds real.
I saw a neurologist who found it “unlikely that the perception of this music was linked to meningitis because I had no brain damage…
Nevertheless for 2 weeks the noise of the music box has come closer to me daily and its rhythm has also accelerated. But what terrifies me above all is this voice of a little boy who cries “mom” and that I hear at night, in the morning, alone in the bathroom or in the WC etc. I do not know what to think! Do you think this is my son?? He would be 1 year old now and able to say “mommy”…. The neurologist doesn’t believe it’s a sequel, and I’m not crazy. I’m not going to see a psychiatrist.
Is my son haunting me?? Help me please…