As I stood up from the couch,
“Hey, Z. This is the last of my 8 Med Board mandated sessions, so sign the paper, give me the drugs and I see another of your colleagues in 3 months when I try again and fail.”
“C, I do wish these 8 sessions would have benefitted you.”
“Z, not your fault, mate. I tried 10 times and failed 10 times. Just the Med Board caught on and wanted to see if they can re-wire me.”
“C, it’s not re-wiring. It is… sigh… yes, easiest to describe it as re-wiring”
“C, why don’t you sit down opposite me and we try this new technique I have been refining…”
“Z, hey, it’s your time and dime, not mine.”
Z took his place behind his desk and I sat in front of him. Damn, It was a Herman Miller chair. I guess they do really make good money.
“Ok, C, Here is the basics.”
“You tell me all your events that lead you to it…”
“But instead of using a chronological timeline, I want you to tell me what each person has done to you in it’s entirety”
“I will not interrupt your sharing/monologue”
“All I will do is tap a board”
“Once”
“Ok, Z. Like I said, your time, your dime”
“Ok, C please start when you are ready.”
“And this is the board”
The board read
“It is NOT your fault
It was NEVER your fault”
Hmm, totally a bit cliche but what the hell.
So I started.
It all began with my Dad. I told Z how my Dad will beat my mum, throw things at her and being a kid feeling helpless that I could not help.
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
Then I talked about my mum. How she had always told me I am useless, worthless, should not have been born. How I was an anchor to her life, how because of me she is where is she.
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
Then it was about my brother. How his friends and him forced me to do things they saw. How it made they feel good. How I had to hand over my salary I got flipping burgers to him
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
Then I talk about my first girlfriend, C. How she lead me on, had me around for the dollars but somehow cannot be there for me, How I felt damaged and worthless. How I craved and appreciated the little attention I got when we had lunch together in a tucked away corner of Mcdonalds.
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
Then I talk about my second girlfriend, C (again!). She was a breath of fresh air. Actually paid attention to me, enjoyed my company and we spend time together, A lot. Then I had to go to another state to study. And like in the movies, the communication dropped off, She grew distant and 3 months after moving, she ended it. She said I was too far, we have grown apart.
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
Then I got to my wife. We met. We took our time and eventually got married. We have a son. I worked hard. Picked up extra shifts. When we started, she was earning half of my salary. I put in the hours, I paid for her education. I did the housework, I did the cooking. All so she can get her Masters. She now earns twice as much as I do. But nothing has changed with what I do.
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
My work. Oh, my work.
As I am a Person of Colour, I was never good enough for the position. Yes, I could be in the role temporary or for a set time. Was promised that when the application opened, it was a given to me. But each time, I was always overlooked and told the other applicant was better/stronger/more suitable. And the new applicant submitted my ideas/my plans/my projects as theirs.
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
Oh, and I just got a new one. I been appointed a Med Board Psychiatrist. It was an utter waste of my 8 weeks. I know what is wrong with me. But all these educated people know better. I swear if I hear another tap, I will stab him in the eye with a pen.
“TAP”
I snapped my head up and saw the board.
And that was it. I snapped. I lunge forward, grab the nearest pen, it was a Mont Blanc (seriously are all psychiatrist that filthy rich?) and stab him in the right eye.
“TAP”
I looked down at the board and read it slowly
“Now. do you understand?”
And at the moment, I felt like I was in the Matrix. Time slow down. A light bulb went off. I achieve Nirvana, higher state of consciousness or whatever.
It was NOT my fault.
It was NEVER my fault.
THEY all cause it.
THEY all create it.
And… …
“Hey, Z. Thanks for the session, you did more in this 30 minutes then all those Med Board mandated sessions…”