It won’t let me die:
My wife and I were happy. We just got married, and everybody said we married “too young”. I’m a 23-year-old, and she’s a 22-year-old. We’re not too young. I remember her face, long blonde hair, a contagious smile, a cute little button nose, and blue eyes. She was tiny at 5’5, with little hands, and tiny feet. She was sexy, perfect bust size, and an ass that made all the guys stare. Her name was Tara. How the fuck did I get her? Well, I guess probably because we met in high school early as freshmen, and 6 years later we were married, I couldn’t believe it happened. I lost all my friends because of this but I didn’t care. She was perfect, but I guess all things must come to an end.
I’m not a shabby guy myself. I’m 6 ft, 160 lb, skinny, and not ripped or anything but I have some muscle. I never liked a guy who was so ripped that it was his entire personality. I had the sides of my brown hair cut super thin and left my hair on the top of my head flowing to the side over my ear. Sometimes I even put it in a ponytail, though not a big ponytail, just a little one. I have brown eyes, nothing special. I don’t think I’m anything now. Not after the universe took her from me.
About a week ago, she and I were walking to the store. We were waiting for the stop light to let us pass, waiting for the little man in the little box to appear. When he appeared, I’d had anxiety all my life, so I ran as fast as I could, freaking out. When I got to the other side, I looked behind me to see if she was rolling her eyes at me and smiling, but she wasn’t. She wasn’t there at all. I saw a blood smear going from the crossing area to the middle of the intersection, a drawn-in box. I couldn’t move, and couldn’t breathe. “Tara, where are you?” I said blankly. My name is Dan and I think Dan died that day. “This isn’t funny,” I whimpered. I knew it wasn’t a joke, it couldn’t be, but maybe it was, maybe it’s all a joke, but it’s not. I started screaming.
Apparently, the little old lady who smeared my wife on the pavement “had only had one beer in her”. That’s what she said to the officers. I can’t believe the person who ruined my life is a Karen. My wife was dead on impact, at least she didn’t suffer. I got a sum from her Life Insurance, the check just came in today. I thought it was a little too quick like they knew this was going to happen.
I threw the check at the wall, undamaged. However, I am. My hands are damaged from punching walls, and my lips are ripped from biting it. I AM A MESS! Luckily I live alone, and when that thought flashed into my brain (LUCKY?!), how can I be fucking lucky. My wife just died. I feel it sinking in now. I felt like I was in shock for a whole week. But now I feel everything, the house is too quiet. The house that my parents bought me. Yeah, I was brought into this world on a good note, my parents were wealthy, and I was lucky, but look at how it turned out to be now. I head downstairs. I go over to the chair, and I just sit in that chair for a long time.
I think I should leave. Not the house, not the country, the world. I bought a bunch of prescription drugs because I’m “depressed” but today they’ll serve a greater purpose. My one-way ticket off this fucking planet. I go into the bathroom and grab a tub of bleach. I see all the medications that I’ve ever had in my life laid out for me. I swallow EVERYTHING and pour it down with the bleach. It burned as it went down my throat. It hurt, and it bubbled. It was horrible. After a while, I could feel myself slipping into internal sleep.
A lot of people say that there’s a bright light, but that’s half of the truth. It’s not exactly a light, it’s just so black that it’s bright. I’m engulfed in the darkness. It’s so dark it hurts my eyes. I feel like the world has been flipped upside down and I’m falling upward into a darker pit. I could see a dark portal, I felt like this was where all the darkness came from. It was a little disc-shaped like me. But then I felt a hand grab me. It didn’t grab my shirt, it didn’t grab my skin, it grabbed my soul and it pulled HARD.
I open my eyes. There is foam in my mouth from when I was choking on the bleach. My airways feel open up, I can breathe. I’m still breathing. How the fuck am I alive? I don’t understand, I can’t move my head up just yet. I pull my phone out of my pocket and look at the time. 12:35 pm, I’ve only been down for about 5 minutes. I’m starting to get feeling back. As I started to sit up, I was introduced to IT. It was a creature sitting just outside the door. It had sunken eyes, was super skinny to where I could see its rib cage, it had no mouth, and was bald with only a few long strands of black hair. Most of the body was covered by the door but I could see its long hands with longer fingernails. Without a doubt, this was what pulled me back.
“WHAT THE FUCK!!!” I screamed as loud as I could. I’m trying to stand up to get away from that thing. It seemed to run away. I gave it a few moments. When I was ready, I looked around the corner out of the bathroom. There was nothing down the hallway. It was gone. I head back to my room terrified, waiting for it to come back. For a second, I thought I saw it again, but it was just my imagination.
After a while, I started to conclude that I was probably having a mental episode. Right, it had to be a mental episode, but how did I live? It seems so real. But now I’m faced with the crippled loneliness that I’ve been dealing with for the past week. I just wanted to fall asleep. It was easier than being awake.
I got a few missed calls from my family and her family. It was getting annoying, just hearing “hope you’re doing well, just letting you know where thinking about you,” bullshit. They don’t give a shit. If they did they would be over here and not give me a fucking call. Household chores are impossible without her, even as simple as taking out the garbage. It just stresses me out, she always helped me out with this kind of thing while I was at work. My phone buzzes. Speak of the fucking devil. My work is calling me, probably wondering where I am. They gave me the week off. How “thoughtful” of them. I just told him that I couldn’t make it in today. He gave me some attitude and I just thought to myself “fuck you, buddy”. But I don’t care, nothing matters.
I just sat in my chair looking at our bed, the bed that we made love in. I am plagued with happy memories that have turned sour. I decided to leave our house. I was kind of done with suffocating in moments of the past. Getting in my car, I go for a drive, and I start heading for the highway. On the highway, I see a split-off point coming up. In the middle, there’s a barrier with one road going to Midtown and the other one going Downtown. Out of anger and frustration, I floored my car toward the middle of the barrier, but right before I hit it, I saw something in the corner of my eye. I see IT. I can’t be hallucinating again. Yet again who cares, we’re both going to die. It swings its arm over, grabbing the steering wheel and pulling it to the right. Now we’re heading for Midtown.
When I turned to look at it, it was gone. Not only that but I was back home. I could see out of my passenger window my house, but I should be 5 miles away. I get out of my car, I start running inside, I lock the door behind me, and I head downstairs back to our room. The room that used to be a sanctuary is now the center of my madness. The hours tick by. I feel a little easier, but not better, about the situation. In these kinds of situations, she would be there right by my side. My darling Tara, why did she have to go in a time of crisis?
The next day I got another call from my work and I just told him to fuck off. To make a long story short, they fired me. But I didn’t care. The air smells like her, I can feel the walls calling her name, with our photos on the wall. I went into the bathroom and saw on the floor the mess that I made when I drank the bleach. She was always good at picking up after me. I put a new hole in my wall. I grabbed my keys and wallet. I started leaving to go to the handgun store.
I told the guy I didn’t know anything about guns. “That’s fine,” the gun clerk said, sounding like a redneck. I bet this place only attracts rednecks or ‘Murica guys. “Yeah, I just need something to protect myself” I sort of lied. When the guy walked away to help another guy finish his purchase I saw IT in the window. Fuck. But when I look around, five people are in there and none of them see it. So I breathe in and out and I’m just going to pretend this thing doesn’t exist. Hell, it probably doesn’t, probably my brain trying to protect itself. Fuck you, brain.
I got a handgun, a Colt Python 6. Now I’m in my car pulling out of the parking lot, and there I see IT. It was sitting in the backseat. It looked like it wanted to say something but couldn’t with its lack of mouth. I started heading home, IT sat in the backseat the whole time. Yet I start having the thought of what if this thing is real. What if this thing is not just a mental freak? I shake my head. That’s crazy! My brain is just playing tricks on me; nobody else can see it. It has to be me, right?
Now that I got out of my car, I checked the back seat. It was gone. Inside my house, I take one last tour, when I notice something’s wrong. The dishes that have been backed up for the past week are done, and the holes in my wall are gone, even the floors have been swept. I look into the bathroom, it’s clean. Did somebody come by or am I losing it? Of course, I’m losing it. I’ve been seeing a creature everywhere. I am nothing without her. My brain just stops working the moment you’re gone. I am fucking worthless, I couldn’t handle a whole week. I know that if I stay here any longer I’m going to get it back to the state that I thought I had left this place, with dirty dishes everywhere, floors not kept, and holes in the wall. I’m just a sad man.
I go in my backyard and see the birds flying around. I thought it would probably be an easier cleanup for the people who find me. Hopefully, I’ll just be one with the Earth. I put the python on my head right next to my temple. I see it again standing right in front of me. I pulled the trigger.
I feel a sharp pain in the side of my head. Then I was back in the black void just like the first time, I was falling upward towards the bright black hole. Then that fucking hand grabs me again, stabbing me and pulling me back. I wake up. I see that there’s blood on the ground and I see it sitting on top of me.
“Why, why won’t you let me see her?” I cried out. It put its hand on my chest and it felt familiar. The skin around its non-existent mouth starts to rip, containing razor-sharp teeth on the inside. This thing is real, this is not part of my imagination, it’s real, and it’s going to kill me and eat my soul. At least I won’t be here anymore.
It says “You’re okay darling, I’m here,” It’s her voice. It is soft, subtle, and slow-spoken. This thing is her, she’s been keeping me safe from myself. I give her a big hug. I knew I could smell her, but she never left.
“I miss you,” I said, bawling my eyes out. She just rubbed my head with her long rotted fingers, I didn’t care though. It’s her and that’s all that matters.
“You need to be stronger than this. I can’t be here any longer, you need to keep going,” she says.
“How?” I reply hastily.
“Living day by day,” she sang.
“For you,” I said.
“No!” she said angrily with a deep, demented tone. I felt the monster within. “I want you to live for you, I want you to meet someone else, I want you to work on you to love you, I’m sorry that I’m no longer here, but you have to keep going,” she said. Before I can get another word in she disappears.
I sit up, I go inside, I look around. She tidied up the place when I got back from the handgun store. I throw the gun away, and I go back downstairs and I crawl into bed. I sleep with the promise of tomorrow, the promise of change, the promise of growth, a brand new day.