We sat in front of the small red brick building for ten minutes without saying a word. Neither one of us wanted to make the first move because we knew that when we exited the truck, one way or another, our lives were going to change forever.
Dr. Serrano’s office was cozy. When you’re a fertility doctor, I guess you try to make your patients feel as comfortable as possible. We sat in the waiting room, holding hands. It’s not something Grady and I do often but since we were kids, we knew that holding hands meant we were there for each other, no matter what.
Dr. Serrano called us back. We forced the normal pleasantries through the underlying tension in the air. Grady moved his chair closer to mine so he could hold my hand as we heard the news.
“Joslyn, have you ever had surgery of any kind?”, he asked bluntly once we all settled in. “No…never”, I replied. Then I looked to Grady who also thought the question was strange. Dr. Serrano looked at us for several seconds in that way parents look at their children when wondering if they should believe them or not. He looked me straight in the eyes when he said, “You’re missing your uterus”. It took us a moment to comprehend what he said. Grady blurted out, “Missing? What the hell you mean by missing?” I squeezed Grady’s fingers…something I did to keep him settled when he got worked up. Dr. Serrano explained to us that I had MRKH…a disorder where a female is born without a uterus. My mind filled with a cloud of confusion. He continued on with low and muffled words…“Tell me about your periods…” “What is intercourse like for you two…”…questions that I am glad we were too distraught to answer. Grady and I felt the answers were none of his business anymore. If I could never carry a baby, then there was no point sharing our intimacies…or our secrets.
After our doctor visit, life carried on as usual…it had to. We cared for over thirty animals on our land, so being gone for a few hours meant a full day of catch up work.
One night, I was tending to Wanda, a pregnant pig under our care and I felt the warm. Usually when I feel the warm, it starts in my face and works it’s way down…stopping at my chest. This time, I felt it start in my belly and it just stayed there. I waited for it to pass, as the feeling would usually pass after a minute or so, but this time it stayed. Wanda, as big as she was, tried her best to shuffle her big body closer to me. I looked into her eyes and we shared, knowing. Almost the same way I would share knowing with Grady. She told me to not be frightened and I told her I wasn’t…the warm was always a good feeling. A feeling of comfort and safety. She looked at me with fear in her eyes. She knew something other than the warm was coming but she was too frightened to tell me.
Continue to part 2…