As a person who spent 99% of her time at home with two dogs, it always came as a surprise to me that the moment I walked outdoors; despite the pungent stench of unwashed dog on my sweater, and the strangled snarls of a golden retriever ten times their size; that cats from all across the neighborhood would come running up to me, rubbing up against my ankles and licking my hands.
As a child, I had always assumed it was because mother nature loved me, and as a high schooler I always assumed it was the god of femininity, however, as a full grown adult fresh out of college…
I usually assumed it was odd.
On some days however, it was wonderful,
I will admit. When I was lonely or sad I would just prance outside of my roach filled, cracked and dented Hawaii apartment to a sea of adorable fluffy cats, just waiting to spend their time with me.
As someone with no friends in that town, and nothing but a stench as powerful as a second person to keep her company…
The cats and the nearest paycheck were my daily joys,
anything to get out of that nasty, smelly, drenched, dog-damaged, hopeless, dusty, rusted, humid, and stained $700 a month brain fuck of an apartment.
But in truth, daily joys were really temporary ones…
as the cats were never the same after a few months of seeing them.
I’ll admit, after a long week of work I don’t do my hair, and I definitely don’t have time to put on my perfume, my wardrobe usually consists of an oversized Walmart t-shirt and a pair of pants out of the laundry pile. Nonetheless these reactions were unusual.
It had happened ever since I was a kid, it wasn’t a terribly uncommon experience, but that was only three or four cats at maximum.
Now… it was 40-50 cats, cats I pet and tended too every single day; all avoiding me at once. Like I had never even existed?
It was strange to say the least.
Ignoring this was a process so difficult, I nearly laughed at myself when I said that I did it. With those cats being the only things in my life that loved me seemingly unconditionally, the sudden change of pace was uncomfortable… and isolating, I began to feel very unloved and unsettled, almost like I could never do anything right…
and so back to the causal and comforting scene of sitting in a dark humid room feeling trapped in your own skin.
Hooray!!
After a few days I felt nothing, nothing more than the sound of my heartbeat and the rhythm of rain patter on my window
I had a lot of trouble breathing without feeling like an annoyance. Just the noise was too much for the people around me.
Any attempt to say “hi” was met with an uncomfortable stare, on the occasion that it was a nice conversation, it was usually a woman much older than me, men were hard to speak too.
Especially men my age.
God fucking forbid I was myself around people.
Any attempt to make any kind of conversation past “hi my names Katy I’m 27 I work at the grocery store down the street!” Was treated as if it was an overstep, like I just wasn’t fucking allowed to breath anymore I guess.
Well at that rate, that’s when I decided I was done.
I got to thinking… what the quickest way to die would be…
And I couldn’t think of anything…
So I decided to talk to someone
It was my neighbor, a woman much, much older than me, yet so sweet nonetheless.
I knew she was probably going to take me to a mental hospital, and I knew once I got out of said mental hospital… that things would go right back to the way they were. Depressing and hopeless.
But those were not her words.
The moment I walked into her house, she sat me on the couch and went to get me some water…
And as she was gone her beautiful tortoise shell cat sat on my lap, curled up in a ball waiting for me to pet her,
And I felt so safe.
It was like every single thing I needed was right there.
But when my neighbor walks back in the room…
She stares…
And stares….
For a good minute and a half.
And then she grabs me by the arm and says,
Katy.
We’re going to the hospital.
And that was how I found out I had pre-terminal Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
On the day I was supposed to kill myself anyways.
On a side note,
cancer treatment has been going well!
I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner,
You know I’ll always be your little girl!
Take care and I love you!!
Love, Lil’sis Kate!