I write this here since I have no other place to turn. I’ve sought help with doctors, my psychiatrist, friends, family, the internet- all without results. My doctor sent me to my psychiatrist, which sent me back to my doctor for a chemical solution. It helped, for a bit, then my problems returned.
I’m sorry, I’m rambling.
Sleep is an interesting area to have issues with. Everyone has had some trouble with sleep in their lives; they will have tips, tricks, and home remedies for your problems. They will be sympathetic up until it actually starts affecting you and your performance in life, until it starts burdening them.
I started having issues sleeping a few months ago. Long nights of staring in the ceiling trying to just think of my breathing as my mom advised me to. Then meditation. Then herbal teas. Then melatonin. My coworkers at the café were sympathetic, and we joked how the bags under my eyes really fit the aesthetics of a barista anyway. I started making coffees with quadruple shots of espresso for myself to stay afloat, but I could feel the chill and sluggishness in my body really slow me down. I could swear that sometimes slivers would wrap around my limbs and chill me down to the bone. I’d lose the feeling in my fingers and drop cups on the floor, shattering them.
I just wanted to go to sleep.
I went to the doctor that saw my previous diagnosis of anxiety and sent me to a psychiatrist. Waiting time of a month, of course.
Hallucinations started. I would see small slivers of darkness in my ceiling at night. Small tendrils wriggling their way way closer to me from the corners of the room. I started turning off my lights later and later at night to avoid them.
My psychiatrist started me on CBT. I asked how it’d help me sleep, since my anxiety was a social one, he assured me that it would, but he could set me up with another meeting with my doctor to prescribe some sleeping medication in the meanwhile. Appointment set as soon as possible, waiting time three weeks.
I cried when I came home. Or something close to it. I lay open-eyed with tears streaming down my face as I stared into the wall.
I just wanted to sleep.
The little sleep I got started getting worse. Dreams of my teeth falling out and things making their way under my skin plagued me. I woke with a start several times feeling like something was touching me. The tendrils seemed to whisper to me. They reminded me of shameful secrets, and told me I deserved my heartbreaks because of them. My performance got increasingly worse at work. I made orders wrong, too slow, burnt myself on the espresso machine, missed cleaning things on the closing shifts. My manager pulled me aside and told me to get my shit together, although worded in a more guilt laden way. I was “letting my coworkers down”. I already knew, the whispering from the dark at night told me all about how I let everyone down.
One morning I found something like a rope burn on my wrist. The tendrils had been getting worse, more insistent. It felt like they touched me now, sometimes. I started keeping the lights on at night completely.
I just want to sleep.
I finally met my doctor, got some sleeping pills prescribed. I slept the whole night through for the first time in a long while. My performance at work improved, I had the energy to meet my friends. Things were good. Until I went to sleep with the lights on, and woke in the middle of the night in darkness. I’ve never sleepwalked. I know I didn’t turn it off. I had rope burn type bruising again. I think that whatever those tendrils are they want to burrow inside me. My coworker asked me what the bruise on my forearms were. Whatever is happening to me is not just my lack of sleep, right? Something is doing this to me.
I just want to sleep. But I can’t sleep.
I can’t escape the feeling that the tendrils are waiting for me now. They wait in the hallway for me. I can see them in the shadows. I’m sure I left the hallway light on. I just looked away for a second. I’ve stayed awake for as long as possible to avoid them turning off the lights. I want to sleep, but I can’t. What will happen to me if I do? They’ll come in here and burrow under my skin. I can’t sleep now. But my eyes are starting close by themselves from how tired I am. My psychiatrist told me it’s not real . Just a paranoid delusion from my sleep deprivation combined with my anxiety. But I told him of the bruises, the lights turning off? He said it’s self inflicted, and forgetfulness from sleep deprivation. But he doesn’t hear them whisper. Even they know he’s a hack. They’ve whispered about how he talks about me to his coworkers. He thinks I’m insane. I just want sleep. What’s so crazy about that. I’m thinking that maybe if I take enough of the sleeping pills I won’t be awake for whatever they want to do to me. Maybe if I just sleep through it it will all be over. If I just sleep I can figure this out in the morning. I’ll take a bunch off them and see what happens in the morning. the longer the sleep the better. maybe someone here knows how to stop whatever is happening and can tell me. I’ll update after I sleep. the lights are already off so it should be easy to fall asleep now anways