Gather round boys and girls! Let me tell you a tale about the most evil person you’ve never met; me! This is the story about how this chump was possessed by something so dark, so sinister, that even the devil himself would shiver if he existed!
Everyone with me? Good. Now, all good stories start with humble beginnings, this here sack of human flesh was born in Idaho USA, 1998. Though that’s not interesting in the slightest. This chap lived a rather boring life in a small town with lots of boring little people. He never really stood a chance, I just swooped down from deep space and snatched up his brain matter while he slept! It doesn’t really matter, the real kicker is where I come from!
At the very beginning of time itself there lived a rift between all the planes of existence. It was a pretty sweet deal! Pools of pure energy consumed everything, there was no empty space and everything was just how it should be. Since time had been created, so too had its passing, and pass it did my dear readers! It was actually a refreshing new experience to witness time itself pass by. Let me tell ya, we had this whole universe thing figured out. Oh and before I forget I should probably explain who this “we” shit is about.
FUCK, help me please it’s IN MY HEAD PLEASE GET IT OUT OF ME IT HURTS IT HURTS HELP HELP
Whoa there, sorry about that folks I lost focus and this brat I’m possessing managed to take over! Won’t happen again I promise. Now where was I?
Ah yes! My friends at the edge of times beginning! Lovely individuals, honest. I’ll use the names that you humans came up with to make it easier, I mean I am typing in one of your languages after all right? It’s good to be accommodating even if you’re evil itself. Let’s see we got Hate, Love, Happy, Sad, Good, and yours truly! Evil, that’s me. There were a couple more small players in there somewhere but I never really learned their names ya see. I’m a busy guy with shit to do!
Anyway, time was passing, but with it came something unexpected. Shit was just being made left and right! No idea how it happened, all the sudden this stuff called “gas” started forming everywhere and turning into new shit! Now look at it. Planets, stars, galaxies, all this shit taking up so much space. It’s rude you know! Never even asked. So, with that being said, I won’t ask either.
I’m going to destroy it all.
All the other pools of energy are massive pussies and won’t do anything about it but I won’t sit idly by! I’m evil itself damn it! If some pushy ass “matter” wants to make itself all over my space without asking I’ll show it what’s for!
You can’t! PLEASE I don’t wanna die! Please stop AHHhhHh my HEADDDDD
Shut it kid! I’ll do what I want! Sorry again folks, seems like I still need a while before I’ve completely dissolved his brain. I know I said it wouldn’t happen again but I guess he can read what I’m typing out and didn’t like it enough to fight through my possession. Well tough nuts kid! I’m running the show here, not you.
Anyway, yes I’ll destroy it all! I’ll start probably slow, just to reallly milk this whole thing. Maybe make few stars blow up here and there, just for the fun of it right? Like fireworks even! Supernovas are real pretty right? Might even blow up a whole bunch of them in a row to really make it splash! Ahh but don’t worry, since you’re the second intelligent species to form a language, I’ll keep you and the other guys around the longest so you can really drown in dread. Think that would be entertaining for sure.
PLEASE
Speaking of drowning, that’s what I’ll do next! I’ll turn up the temperature in the whole universe and melt those precious ice caps you all talk about so much. “Oh no the poor polar bears are gunna drown and die! What do we do?” Nothing you leeches! I was here first! Get ready because those polar bears aren’t the only thing dying around here. I’ll really crank up the heat till all of you start to boil. Im gunna cook you freaks like lobsters just you see.
STOP DON’T DON’T DON’T
Oh and after that I might start throwing some planets around just to see what happens. Gunna put Mars right through Uranus if you know what I mean *wink wink nudge nudge*
Ive seen some planets hit each other before and it’s pretty cool! There’s not much left afterwards if you hit ‘em just right.
Then when most of the stars and planets are reduced to dust, I’ll really get started on you guys. Being that your the second intelligent life form out there I’ll kill all of you first and then the other guys. Nothing personal! Thems the brakes. Your drowning society will experience the worst hell you could imagine. Swirling tides of boiling water, unbreathable air filled with poison gas, fire and acid torching the remaining landscape. Always enough to kill most of you every year that passes
GET OUT OF MY HEADDDDD
It’ll be slow, monstrous, till no one is left to bury the bodies, till nothing is left but ash and dust. The few remaining people will be sickly and injured. Then I’ll pop the planet like a bad zit. POP, there you go, like it was never there to begin with. I’ll give the same treatment to those other guys too, and before long there will be nothing left in the universe but rubble and gas. I’ll take all of that matter that formed so diligently throughout the universe, carefully forming planets, stars, galaxies, and even you guys, I’ll take it all and ball it up into a single point and push it through the walls of the universe. Out of sight out of mind! Sound like a plan? Awesome! Before we get started there is one small problem.
See, the issue here is that I don’t have the power to do any of that stuff, not yet anyway. I’m gunna need matter to beat matter ya know? Before this I was just a pool of energy, didn’t have to do anything but enjoy the ride! But now I need a physical body to start the show! That’s where you guys come in.
I’m looking for some helpful volunteers! Just a few like minded individuals who want to see life as you know it crumble into an endless void filled with amorphous energy pools. Hitch a ride with me and I’ll take you to the promised land kid! I’ll even bring Chucky here with me even though he seems a little less enthusiastic about the idea, isn’t that right Chucky?
FUCK YOU nobody listen to me! Nobody listen to this thing! NOBODY LISTEN! Your sick fucking plan won’t work you MONSTER! Do NOT SHAKE HIS HAAAAAA
That’s enough out of you. What’s the harm in a little possession anyway? I mean hey, life on earth is a drag. I’ve been in this twerps body for 3 weeks and I’ve seen how all of you live so I know there must be a whole bunch of you out there lookin to end it all.
So join me. This is to my call to arms ya see? Form a line ladies and gentlemen and be sure to tip your waitress! Become my instrument to the death of this horrid place you call home.
Come, shake my hand