My name is Solomon Anderson, and I’m a monster hunter. Quite possibly the best there is and ever was. Actually, scratch that “quite possibly.” No one will ever be able to reach the highs I have reached or get as much experience in this profession as I have in just the past twenty years alone. I’ve died, went to hell, and came back swinging. You all are lucky to be reading from a guy like me, for I will have some great things to tell you.
Well, actually, if it was me I wouldn’t be doing this at all. But my daughter Sara keeps telling me I need to keep a journal to help with my memory and to keep a proper record of all my activities. I fail to see the point when everything is up here but whatever, she’s the boss. I do kinda get the memory thing, my brain don’t work too good from getting smacked around all the time. I really have no reason to post these entries but hey, I figure if I’m writing all this shit down then at least someone should read it.
I guess I should start with the basics of my operation. I work with my team of three people. I have a fourth guy who works here, Scott, but fuck Scott. The guy’s a slacker. My team consists of me, my daughter Sara, and my butler (and part time best friend) Cornelius. We do any supernatural jobs we’re hired to outside of the funeral home. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the funeral home. We’re the Anderson Family Multipurpose Funeral Home and Crematory, and we’re one of the best in the entire country. (near the bottom of the list, but hey, it still counts.) I have a right to be proud, my team and I do good work. We’re smart (mostly) and efficient (mostly).
Okay, I’ll tell a story now, I’ll get to the main thing which finally made my daughter really push me to start keeping a journal.
So this morning I work up, had about fifteen pieces of bacon for breakfast and then got dressed and headed to the funeral home. We didn’t have anything on for today so the schedule was to sit around and wait for a call. My butler Cornelius texted me and informed me that he wasn’t gonna be bale to make work today because he was sick. So now it was just me and Sara cause that fucking loser Scott had the day off. Sara was just hanging out in the lobby on her phone and I was in my office. We got a call and instead of taking it for me, Sara just picked it up and immediately transferred it over to me. I fucking hate talking to customers. Believe it or not, most people are stupid. Sara’s twenty something too, she should be able to answer calls on her own! I didn’t have a choice here, so I picked it up.
The call was from married couple who claimed there was a ghost in their house. This stuff happens all the time and 99% of the time there’s no ghost so I figured this would be an easy day. Getting Sara to come was like pulling teeth. She didn’t have a valid excuse though. We both knew nothing else was gonna happen today because all the dead people go to the better funeral homes and we’re in a low period of monster activity. September is a weird month cause it’s right at the start of fall but not quite Halloween season yet, and Halloween is when shit gets busy. In fact, it’s when we make most of our money.
Anyway, I made sure I was wearing one of my good suits and Sara looked as presentable as she was gonna get today, so we headed out.
We got to the house and when the couple answered the door, I immediately barged in and started waving my bible and crucifix around, making my way into the kitchen. I shouted all the generic stuff you tell a ghost, “leave this place,” “you are unwelcome,” “allow your soul to rest in peace once and for all!’ I probably could have sited a few bible passages, but c’mon, there’s a total of like three people in the world who have read the bible.
While I was doing all this, Sara was making all the proper greetings to the family and making the usual apologies for my behavior. She explained that all supernatural activity should stop when we leave and we will take the proper precautions to put a stop to all this. Bless her heart, we got it down to a system now. You always have to make sure to leave the possibly of more activity open so you can come back later and get paid again when they continue to be paranoid. I was barely paying attention to my surroundings, just waving the cross around and basically hurling insults at the spirit who I believed not to be there, when I noticed something on the floor. I paused and walked over to it. It was barely noticeable but the light caught it just right to make a shine on the smooth, white surface. I put the bible on the counter and got down onto the floor. I picked the thing up moved it close to my face just to make sure I knew what I was seeing. A tooth.
A chill ran down my spine. The only words that came to mind were “oh fuck”
I called the couple and my daughter into the room, and Sara ran in, probably noticing the shake in my voice. A few moments later the couple had entered and I raised the tooth up to them.
“You guys didn’t lose a tooth recently, did you?”
They were very confused at this because there was no possible way for any tooth to be here.
I put the tooth in my jacket pocket and took a deep breath to calm myself down. I then told the couple to write us a check and then leave the place to get some lunch. It took some urging on both ends but they soon left. Now it was just me, my daughter, and it.
You see, this couple didn’t have a ghost in their house, they had a demon. It’s a special one that I’ve encountered many times and have not beat. I the one time it didn’t win was because I made a deal with it to leave. Not many people know this, but one of my front teeth is fake. You can’t notice it at first glance but if you look closely you’ll see it’s a slightly different color and shape to the rest of them. This is because of this demon. I call it “The Dentist.” It’s very tall, and very skinny, so skinny you can see it’s bones through it’s skin. It’s arms are longer than it’s legs and there’s three fingers on each hand, each one tipped with long, thick, claws. And the head is entirely made out of human teeth.
I told Sara to go to the garage and get a hammer, and after she left I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I pulled the tooth out of my pocket and opened my mouth, holding the tooth high enough so I can see it next to my fake tooth.
Yeah, this was my tooth. It knew I was here the moment I walked in, it was mocking me. Sara hadn’t come back from the garage yet so I was on my own for the moment. I went back into the kitchen and seeing that I found the tooth near the basement door, I decided to head down.
I could take this fucking demon, world’s greatest monster hunter, right? I’ve been to hell and came back swinging. And demons are from hell, I could take this guy easy, with or without a weapon. I didn’t have a weapon actually. Sara hadn’t come back with the hammer. She must have had trouble getting into the garage. Or the garage didn’t have a hammer and she was looking around for one. Oh well, no biggie.
I made my way down into the basement, I turned on the light only for it to flicker and go out. I didn’t have my flashlight on me so I pulled out my phone and used the flashlight on that. I took a few steps only to hear the sound of chattering teeth. The shiver went down my spine again and I decided to book it, and ran up the stairs. I slammed the basement door shut and locked the door behind me.
I started breathing hard and figured upstairs was the best place to look instead. So I made my way up the stairs with one question on my mind: Where the hell was Sara with the hammer?
I’d feel much better if i wasn’t unarmed and had something to whack the fucker in the head with. I turned off the flashlight on my phone and sent Sara a text: “Where the hell are you?”
I made it into the bedroom and saw something that made everything click.
The couple, brutally killed. With all their teeth missing.
The demon messed with the minds of both me and Sara, making us think this couple was still there and talking to us, if they had even been alive to call to begin with. I heard the sound of chattering teeth behind me and I was so angry I forgot what I was fighting. I turned around and punched the thing in the head. It stumbled back, probably surprised I had the balls to just punch it. Seeing it in front of me now I noticed the brand new, white, bloody teeth added to the mass of old teeth that was it’s face. The teeth were shifting around where I had punched it, as if trying to set themselves back into place. I took my tooth out of my pocket and flicked it over to it.
“We had a deal.”
It leaned over, used the tip of it’s claws to carefully pick the tooth up, and then placed it onto the side of it’s head. It then took a few steps closer and pointed at my mouth, making it’s point loud and clear. It wanted the rest.
Sara came up the stairs behind it, holding the hammer. She had a cut on her cheek. I don’t think it was trying to seriously hurt or kill her, just trying to make an example of her.
Sara smacked it in the back of the head with the hammer, causing teeth to fly everywhere. It franticly got on it’s hands and knees and began picking them off the floor and shoving them onto the back of it’s head. I had Sara toss me the hammer, which I barely caught and slammed it down onto it’s forearm, breaking the bone. it grabbed me buy the neck with it’s other arm and I slammed the hammer into it’s face a few times causing it to drop me and start picking up more teeth.
Thank God for my daughter, she helped figure out the thing’s weakness. I pulled out my crucifix and pressed it onto the thing’s neck. It jolted back and when it saw the thing in my hand, it scooped up as many teeth and it possibly could in it’s hands, ran and jumped out the bedroom window. it ran over to a storm drain, shoved the teeth onto it’s face, took a quick look back at me, and then jumped into a storm drain.
Sara and I got the hell out of there and called the police about the dead bodies. The news report didn’t mention all the teeth at the crime scene, so I’m guessing the thing went back and got the rest it left behind.
So yeah, I owed my daughter a favor after almost getting her killed by the evil tooth fairy, so I’m doing the journal now. I’m sure I’m gonna have to do something else to make up for this sooner or later, but whatever. She’ll hold the grudge until she gets to use this in a few weeks.
So if any of you hear a weird clicking or chattering teeth late at night, I suggest you get the hell out of there.
You know what the worst part of the whole day was? I didn’t even get paid.
P.S. Thanks to Sara for helping me set up a reddit page.