The following is a transcribed excerpt from Episode #237 of ‘Midwestern Wild World,’ a radio show in which Midwesterners called in to tell strange stories about their lives. It was hosted by the late Graham Sandiland. The episode originally aired August 8, 1976 at 4:30 pm. The episodes usually lasted about an hour, but this one only lasted 15 minutes. Sandiland’s publicity team sent out various apologies to disgruntled listeners, who mainly complained about how ‘this is supposed to be a family show.’ The show was also sued for slander and defamation. This was the last ever episode of Midwestern Wild World.
…
Sandiland: Hello? Anybody out there? If you’re with us, please say “Holy Whiskers, Batman!”
Caller: Holy Whiskers, Batman.
Sandiland: Hello! What’s your name, and where are you calling from?
Caller: My name is Georgina. I am calling from [REDACTED].
Sandiland: Well, nice to meet you, Georgina. May I call you Georgie?
Caller: No.
Sandiland: Alright, well, Georgina. What story are we in for today?
Caller: I would like to talk of my time at [REDACTED]. It was a very prevalent processed food manufacturer; I had worked in the product development department.
Sandiland: What did you say it was called?
Caller: [REDACTED].
Sandiland: You know, my father would never even let me taste the stuff growing up. I remember, I always wanted those strawberry stude-
Caller: If you’ll excuse me, Mr. Sandiland. I would simply like to tell my story and go. I share my allotted phone time with three other women, and I’m afraid I will not have time if we chat too much.
Sandiland: Um. Fine. Sure. Yes. Please. Go ahead, Georgie.
Caller: My placement in the company was very unusual for the time. There were often rumors about me because of my status as a divorcee. I did not have any friends. My reputation was horrid, and yet. I worked as a secretary for thirteen years, before they promoted me to head assistant of the Chief Development Officer. I would often sit in on the most important meetings.
Sandiland: Was [REDACTED] in [REDACTED]?
Caller: Yes. In fact, the story I’m telling concerns the newest product we were developing which we created to combat the startling scurvy rates in the city! It was canned key-lime Jell-O, which would be titled ‘Key-Lime Surprise.’
Sandiland: I remember I was in [REDACTED] for a conference. The only food a guy could get around there were hotdogs and rat poison.
*Disappointed trumpet sound effect*
Caller:…Well, you see, lots of testing and refining would be done for the Key-Lime Surprise. We were in the golden age of food processing, scientists everyday finding new ways to use our corn surplus, to make foods more delicious, to last longer. And to help our poor, scurvy-ridden customers, the executives knew we just had to make sure the Key-Lime Surprise was almost addictively scrumptious.
Sandiland: I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone describe Jell-O as ‘addictively scrumptious,’ except to their mother maybe.
Caller: …The first focus group went poorly. You see, we had a one-way mirror so we could watch the participants without them ever feeling self-conscious. I know I would feel a bit bashful if I knew a group of executives were watching me eat a dessert. Anyway, the proctor explained what was expected of them, and then…Yes? What…
Sandiland: Everything super, Georgie?
Caller: Please, just a few more minutes.
…
Caller: Yes, I promise. Go watch your show. I’ll be done soon. You old bat.
Sandiland: Woah, now.
*fighting cats sound effect*
Caller: …Anyway, they ate it. Their faces didn’t indicate any disgust. As the proctor was handing out the questionnaires…Well, the participants vomited. I will not go into the lurid details, but it was quite a repulsive sight. The executives decided to refine the Key-Lime Surprise for another month, and the next meeting to discuss the product was set then, too. I remember that meeting very vividly. It was a Tuesday afternoon. I had my notebook and good fountain pen ready, my philosophy being, even if I had to write foul things, I would do so with elegance.
Sandiland: Now that’s class.
Caller:..I remember very distinctly walking into the conference room. The table was a long rich mahogany. At the head of it, where my boss sat, was a tiny plastic cup of the neon green Key-Lime Surprise. I sat down in my seat, and only until I opened my notebook did I notice my hands were sweating. The executives filtered in, my boss next to me. They began to discuss what the issue was, something about the dye they were using. I took my notes, kept my head down as usual. And then my boss stood up, raising the Jell-O cup in his hand as if he were about to make a toast with it.
…
Sandiland: Georgie?
Caller: He said that it would be his honor if I, his most trusted companion, would have a taste of the all new, absolutely perfected, addictively scrumptious Key-Lime Surprise. That I deserved a reward for all my hard work. It was the first time he truly acknowledged me in one of these meetings, except when he wanted a glass of water or coffee. I didn’t know what I was feeling, only that my heart was beating incredibly fast. He held it out to me, along with a plastic spoon he had taken from his pocket. ‘Go on,’ I remember he said. ‘Go on, Georgie.’
Sandiland: You ate it?
Caller: What else was I to do? I was not in a place to refuse. I remember as I took each bite, the executives were all staring at me with these wide, almost delirious expressions. When I was done, I quietly disposed of the cup and spoon in the wastebasket. Their eyes followed me. They asked me what I thought of it, and I said it was lovely. They frowned when I said it was a bit sour for my liking, though. After a few moments more of questioning, they moved on to how it would be branded. The art department entered and began their presentation. I waited to vomit. I waited for…something. But it never happened.
Sandiland: That oddly reminds me of what I feel eating my wife’s cooking.
*disappointed trumpet sound effect*
Caller: …Three days passed with relative quietness. I went about my administrative duties. Until one day, when I was typing a letter to one of our associates in [REDACTED]. I suddenly felt this immense sore feeling in my mouth, and I ran to the bathroom. I examined myself in the mirror above the sinks. My gums had turned this absolutely horrid purple color. I pressed at them, and they felt…looser than they usually did. I almost yelped with pain when I touched them. When I took my hand away, I saw a small dent where my finger was on the gums. I went back to my desk. For some reason, I felt this urge deep in my stomach to cry. I finished the letter. By lunchtime, though, my mouth began to fill with this bitter liquid. It tasted absolutely awful, like batteries and cough syrup. I went back to the bathroom, back to the mirror. I spit all the liquid into the sink. It was that same purple. When I examined my mouth again, then I really did yell. I screamed louder than I thought I ever could. My gums had completely melted away, only the skeleton beneath was left inside, along with my teeth.
Sandiland: …
…
Caller: They paid for my dental treatment. After I signed a variety of Non-Disclosure Agreements, I was finally allowed back at the company. My first day back, I sat down at my desk. My boss peered out of his office, gave me the most amiable grin. “Welcome back, Georgie. We missed you!”
…
…
…He never lost that delirious look in his eye, the rest of the time I worked there.