Greeting to anyone reading my story, or rather, my suicide note. Beside the laptop that I’m writing this on is a loaded handgun of my husband, ready to fire. For those with good will trying to persuade me not to do so, Thank you. But I ,by any ways, will proceed to kill myself. The least you could do is reading my story…which is rather long so please bare with me. Do not try to find out who I am or contact anyone for help, Just please, let me die.
Let me tell you about this world of mine first, it’s not the same world that you’re living in, well not exactly, you could say it’s another dimension, a parallel world that everything is exactly the same as yours. Perhaps, who knows, another me might be reading this note right now.
I came across one site that you could post your stuff and it’ll randomly transfer your stories to other accessible sites; seems that this access is not only limited to one world but also from another dimension. How do I know this? because I often see you people’s stories on my front page.
Heard that your world has recently suffered from the pandemic? Covid-19 right? seems that it’s a highly transmissible virus, rapidly spread and deadly when your lungs are affected. Too bad, The world was under quarantine, people were forced to be isolated, companies around the world were disrupted due to this. That’s pretty suck huh? I sent you my condolence, truly. Least your world is recovering after the development of vaccines, least the pandemic world you’re living in is not as miserable as mine.
My wolrd has only 2 colours, white and black, only these colours with every building, every clothing that also have only 2 styles, female and male one, there’re no choices. And no any green, all trees were chopped down, forests were destroyed, our only sighting is black and white concrete city.
I’m living with my husband and my son, all of which are dead. My son died from the pandemic that’s threatening whole of our humanity right now. My husband committed suicude with the same gun besides me. Their lifeless body swelling, rotting among flies in the corner of my living room and they’re starting to smell.
Before accusing me anything, please do finish my story; you will understand why I did what I did.
My routine is waking up, showering, dressing, working. Also we don’t have a car, in fact, here apart from hospital, nobody owns a car, no taxi or bus either, there’s no such thing as public transportation. So how the hell do I go to work? Run, just run. Everyone must run to their workplace no matter how beaten you are, bathed in sweat you have to arrive in time to gather at the cafeteria for breakfast that is one slice of tasteless bread and a cup of strong black coffee. Everyone has to finish it no matter how boring, unsavoury of eating it everyday. It’s a rule that no one leave the table unless every person finish the food.
I’m an accountant, together with another 24 life in a room, working at our desk with thin plastic shield as the only indicator of personal space. There’re no air conditioner, fan, or heater in a room, we open the windows when it’s too hot, and close it when it’s not, just that easy, that simple.
12.00-12.30 pm. is our lunch break. Again when everbody gathers at the cafeteria with one single menu, the same goes by everyday, no one leaves until all our plates are clean.
Afternoon shift is not much different from the morning, only work and work, no friends or colleagues as we’ve never interacted with each other if it’s not about work. Not even a cup of coffee is allowed. Doing our job until 17.00 pm, drop by the same cafeteria to take our dinner (yes, the same menu everyday) before going home, that’s my routine.
You may wonder how much do I make, it’s better be worth it with such dreadful, distressing workspace. The answer is not a single penny. Citizen of this world don’t need money to go on living. Provided by the company is three meals a day, out of the topic is transporation fee, it’s free using your own two feet. Also free healthcare at the expense of non-standard procedures (means that hospitals are allowed to treat you anyway that they could—or want, you couldn’t ask for more). Hence, money is only in between the organisation, us inhabitants are to live by their system.
However, our world, like yours, has 24hr convenience store in case we want to eat or drink or snack whatever we like to — it’s all free. Such irony, it’s one of the cruelest benefit the government has for us, you will soon know what I meant by that.
When my family was alive we ate dinner together without talking or asking about anyone’s day. Our dinner was just like I mentioned, the exact same menu from work, from school. We just eat for the sake of eating, it’s a task, our daily duty. After finish everything we take sleeping pill. Diazepam is basically our household med, we must take it every night doesn’t matter how much it mess with our health. It’s necessary to sleep as early as we could.
And no television? We have, but every channel keep showing the same footage over and over again, which is no more than the gruesome affects of this lethal pandemic that destroying everyone in my world. It’s not any pleasant to watch (unless you like seeing human organs and decaying corpses). Sometimes I log into this site to read some news though, but not much, like I said, sleeping is the most important.
I bet it sounds misery and lifeless to you, the life I live, the life in this world, how could I endure living in such wretchedness, unhappy environment? Are we living in a world of an utmost communist? Nah it has nothing to do with the system. It all begins with this outbreak.
‘Last Agony’ is what we called this epidemic, just like its name, the disease for the last suffering.
There are no records of when this pandemic started, the whys and wherefores are left unknown. It’s an infectious disease that can be passed to another person by contacting and breathing. This virus is alive in in the air up to 12 hours; can be killed by 140°F and Alcohol sanitizer but by the time we knew this information, everyone was already infected.
The fact that this disease shows no symptoms in the first stage leads to people catching it unawarely. When the virus inside the body is activated by some hormones, the chemical and structure in human cells will breakdown which results in each body tissue slowly being ripped apart, lacerated little by little like someone clasp your body with hundred hooks and pull each flesh apart while you’re still conscious, this is its symptom. Patient’s body will be ruptured from outside to their organs caused them immeasurable pain for several hours before lying dead in their own blood. This is what’s shown on TV everyday.
What are those hormones that trigger this virus?
They are ‘𝘋𝘰𝘱𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦’ and ‘𝘚𝘦𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘯’, the chemicals that spark your ‘bliss’
Yes, this is the world where ‘happiness’ causes you torturous death.
Whenever you’re happy, your brain releases these two chemicals, when its reach the intensity that triggers the disease, Last Agony is activated and eating you alive inside out. The only way to be safe from that sinister ending is to be unhappy. That’s the very reason of fucked up life we’re living now.
My world has only black and white because we have to avoid using others colours that could bring out aesthetic
My world has only cold dull food to prevent the joy of tastes
We live under tormented pressure with no freedom and at lost of dignity
No facilities, no nothing that makes life easy. We better be suffering souls.
The corpses of my family are here in the house to remind myself of that painful moment of losing them. Miserable sight of swollen body, nauseous smell of corpses, all are here to destroy comfort in this household.
I said that convenience store is cruel welfare, that’s because it’s a place for people who can no longer stand this state of life and decide to ‘taste pleasure’ for the last time. They would be there all prepared, whenever the agonising pain creeps in, they would take their life of their own to avoid tortuous death.
My son was one of them. He stole my husband’s gun and sneaked out while we were sleeping. He didn’t take any pill that night.
My husband killed himself not long after.
Do you know that living like this, though we can survive from Last Agony but it leads to another inevitable disorder that is ‘depression’ causes half of the population to suicide. The lack of two happy hormones gives us no reason to live, why should we keep on torture ourselves. Purposes of living, meaning of life, of existing, all disappear.
I’ve also reached this point, same like my husband and many others. But I don’t want to go seek any pleasure from the store. I wouldn’t be able to taste anything with pictures of people I loved dying, of people suffering, depressing black and white colours ramming down on my throat, shutting me from any happiness.
I see that after the vaccines, your world is rapidly recovering from Covid and almost everything go back to the same normal right? Congratulation, sincerely, may every person survive from that virus and the world be the same like before it came.
No need to bless me the same, it’s impossible for vaccines in my world.
My world is doomed with this disease for perpetual.
I didn’t just be pessimistic, I speak from the truth.
Just think about it, if you were a scientist who try to develop boosters against this shit, one day you succeed, you invented it, how would you feel?
Happy? Proud? Accomplished?
See, those joyful emotions would be the death of you. Those scientists would be dead before they even share their success to the world, or even if they came up with some sorts of ways to share the vaccines to public, what do you think would happen? The whole world is suffering from fear, anxiety, distrust and one day the news tell them that the solution to heal the cause of all pain was found, how would they feel?
‘Happiness’ brings ‘death’ that’s the only golden rule of this world.
All this is the reason I decided to write this suicide note, I’ve been enduring everything for far too long; the death of my husband and son is the last straw. Should there’re any compassion or pity or mercy, the last thing you can do is pray for me that after posting this, I’d still have some strength to fire a shot through my head, that the virus within me would still be untriggered by tiny glimpse of joy when I know all of this is about to end.
Lastly, although it’s not that important, Last Agony is not originally the name of this virus, that’s just what people call. The first chosen name for it was ‘𝘓𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘨𝘯𝘪’ which is a short term from ‘𝘓𝘢𝘴𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘖𝘨𝘯𝘪 𝘚𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘻𝘢’ the sentence that was carved above The Gate of Hell in a piece called Dante’s Inferno.
And for its meaning in English…
‘Abandon all hope’