Entry -
He and I used to be very close before he died. I used to walk with him when he was angry at his dad when he came home drunk, having a citrus powder, which latched onto him with beautiful pink lips stamped on his neck. His father is no longer alive. He does not have to worry about the bruises and bloody nose from him. Yet he still misses him. We are the same in that boat as one of our parents went missing and was never found.
I stare at him through my door window. He use to have this brilliant smile it always warmed me up whenever I saw it, when he showed it to me, or the times I snuck glances at his beautiful smile; it always made the butterflies jump around, making my head fuzzy, and my breath shrink.
Right now, as I look at him, that smile is not the one I longed for. It is a knowing smile it sees through my eyes. Through my thoughts, it sees my longing for him. It sees my unrequited hope for us to be. it knows my weakness, my weakest point I know it is not him yet I am unable to hope It is him those cold eyes; those used to be a warm brown, a beautiful color that glowed when it hit the light at just the right angle when they looked at me.
When we went to get his girlfriend flowers. He told me all about her in passing, yet I was able to ignore the thought of her existing beside him. He talked about her with such care and dedication. I hated it so much I wanted to scream no, please no! What act of inhumanity did I do in my past lives? Did I commit to deserve this hell? But another question arose in my head, one that I will never in my life ask: Why her?
Why does she get him in this way? His dedication to her. They want to not hurt her the same way others hurt him. The soft and delicate words to describe her existence next to his the warmth he felt of her in his chest. The way he describes her in those divine emotions, his eyes; they are so heavenly to look at that the hell I stood through was worth it for that one look. Until it all hit me the setting jealousy, the knowledge that he will never look at me the same way he looks at his lovers.
I realized around that time that he was my personal hell. The want to be next to him always hit me, yet the hurt and guilt I had ate me up. It made me hate to be myself as I realized I wanted to hurt his angelic relationship with that kind of girl.
I thought that was all the suffering I would be put through. Of course, I was wrong so wrong. As a kid, before my mom left us, my father told me not to enter the clearing. He said I could go anywhere in the woods but never go into the clearing. I, of course, asked him why. He told me “There are things I can’t protect you from, your mother’s family is damned and can never have their ties broken from this land, because your mother is damned you are damned as our child”.
He left me with that knowledge, never elaborating on the subject; leaving for work in the next minute. I wondered for a while why my father only told me this information now as Mom would never leave me alone, let alone let me into the woods. Though Father probably made Mother disappear into the clearing after all he knew more about the damned than me.
I thought Dad was just good at reading Mom. He was always able to figure out what she was up to, always wearing the same pink lips and powder perfume. There was nothing much to her. Since she left two days after our conversation. I thought he told me this to prepare myself to be alone. I wanted to visit the clearing yet when I tried I was always too scared to go further than the trees and would instead hurry back to the house locking the doors and windows before I hide under my blankets until my dad comes home.
I continued like that never going past the trees until my father passed when I was a well established adult. At that time, I really was at my lowest until I was drunk. It was a few days after the funeral. I don’t remember that day well. I was the only one to be at the funeral as all my relatives were either dead or disowned my father for marrying my mother. Staying in this small town and working dead-end jobs to put food on the table. Before he died, he told me what he did.
Or at least he tried to apologize to me saying to blame my mom for saying it could have me as he took her to the clearing. To not blame him for her decision. That he only did the right thing as a man with a “ whore wife”.
I decided to go into the clearing when I was drunk thinking Of course that was a mistake as a damned I would not be safe from that thing.
Walking into the clearing gave me a euphoric feeling to me. It is as if I found a new beginning of my life I was wrong. The thing it was every were in a moment. It shifted the metallic almost liquid of its body and moved towards me. bending itself wrapping around itself shifting its body into a human like shape until it formed into someone I once knew. It was my mom looking at me. I stopped and stared at her. It moved forward grabbing me with such force I fell into her chest as she hugged me. “My Jackie, “ the thing that looked like my mother said in such a sweet tone I almost accepted her almost surrendering myself to it.
I quickly stopped and stared at it until I looked closely at its eyes. The metallic teeth pulsing; contorting until it slowly started to push at her eye until it finally stabbed through her sky blue eyes. I fell to the ground as the thing started to unmold itself of the shape of my mom screaming in my mom’s choked voice it screamed: “ Take my Jackie.! Take him not me, Please take him !”. As the thing was screaming at me I pushed at it as it continued to scream at me until. It haled me up now in its metallic shape, it pulled me towards it until my lips touched a solid surface and I felt my mind scramble as I felt it take something.
It threw me back onto the ground, it grabbed my neck and started squeezing. My nails tried to find purchase on the thing but my hands would go through it unable to get its form from squeezing my neck. My vision slowly started to fade to black until I was fully unconscious
I ended up back at my house. I woke up alone and ran back to my house. I locked all the windows and doors I ended up staying in my home. Trying to call someone, the police, my coworkers, and him. I could not get a hold of anyone. All I could do was cry as I knew what was coming I knew what it got. And I was right He looked at me all I could do was cry out more pleas and crying. As Blake looked at me, no it looked at me and said in Blakes’s voice “ Jackie it is all right, come here I love you too,”. It says as it opens its arms waiting for me to come out and be embraced with a hug. It looked at me now going back to a smile trying to mimic what it say through its taking. “Dad! Dad is that you, Dad I missed you, I missed you so much,” a scream cut out at the end. Its mouth contorted looking at me a half-moon smile forced itself to fit on Blakes’s face it opened its mouth and gutted out “It is only a matter of time after all you are damned from both your mother and father”.
I only have so much time till it comes back. And I am just like my parents weak to my emotions.