[Trigger Warning] (“Child Abuse”)
Travis was Jewish, so his funeral was the next day. The three of us sat together and held hands; we were in shock, this just couldn’t be real. I didn’t hear a word that was spoken, all I could hear were his screams echoing over and over in my head.
When it was over, Dee brought us back home and sat down to check in with us to see how we were doing. We told her that we were sad but doing okay, and that she didn’t need to worry about us. Probing deeply was not one of Dee’s qualities, and we were grateful for that; she just told us to come to her if we needed to talk and left us alone.
I knew that I had to call Mom as soon as possible. Kama and Beck were cuddling on the couch, and I told them that I was going to take a walk. I grabbed my purse, left the apartment, and headed for the 7-Eleven where there was a payphone. I was frantic when I couldn’t find any change, but I finally scrounged up a dime from one of the compartments.
The phone rang and rang, and I was just about to give up when she answered.
“Hello?”
The sound of her voice, filled with irritation just because someone dared to call her, made me realize that I hadn’t missed her at all.
“Hi Mom, it’s me. How are you?”
“I’m busy and don’t have time to chat. What do you want?”
Even though I had grown used to the way she talked to me, I guess I had been away long enough to forget how much it hurt that she never had time for me. I took a deep breath, and tried to sound strong when I answered. “I have some questions I need to ask you, and then I’ll leave you alone.”
“What kind of questions?”
Okay then, I’ll get to the point. “What do you know about Ouija Boards?”
She didn’t answer for a long time, then said in a low voice, “Why do you ask?”
“I’m asking because we played with one and-“
She broke in, and there was resignation in her voice. “You played it? When?”
I had to count back in my head. “A week ago, tomorrow.”
“Lee, you need to come home. I’ll only answer your questions if you come home so we can do it face to face.”
I was shocked that she seemed to be crying, and it scared me.
My heart sank at the thought of going home, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Can I come back to Beck’s after we talk?”
I thought about it, and decided it was worth the risk even if she made me stay home with her. If I could find out something that would save Beck and Kama, it would be worth it, no matter what I had to do. I would just sneak out and go back to Beck’s.
“Yes, Honey, I’ll take you back to Beck’s after we talk.”
Honey? She had never called me anything except my middle name, Lee; she refused to call me Resa or even Teresa. She had definitely never used a term of endearment for me. Hearing it now made my eyes flood with tears, but I didn’t know whether the tears were of happiness at how she was now talking to me, or pain because it had taken her fifteen years to talk to me as if I mattered.
“Okay, I can come now, but it will take me a while to get there walking. Will you still be there in a couple of hours?” We lived about five miles away, and it wouldn’t be the first time I had walked it; she had never given me a ride to or from Beck’s.
“I’ll come pick you up. Are you at Beck’s?”
“No, but I need to go back and tell her that I’ll be gone for a while. Thank you for coming to get me. Could you pick me up where the Edgefield sign is? It’s right in front of the apartment complex.”
She said she’d be there soon, and I hung up the phone and tried to make sense out of this new and improved version of my Mom. What was going on with her? I refused to let myself wonder if she would stay this way; that would make it hurt worse if she didn’t.
**/*
Okay, that part is done, now I have to come up with something to tell Beck and Kama.
I slowly walked back towards Beck’s, desperately trying to come up with something plausible. They knew how I felt about Mom and that I would not go home just to see her.
I wracked my brain, but couldn’t think of anything that they would believe. I stopped a block away from Beck’s and just stood there until something popped into my head; I just hoped they bought it.
I walked into the apartment and Kama and Beck were on the couch watching TV. Perfect.
“Hey Guys, I’m back!” They looked away from the TV and gave me a wave. I sat down in the rocking chair and readied my lie.
“I stopped at 7-Eleven, and saw Billy Parker. Beck, do you remember him from elementary?”
She laughed. “Of course I do, you had the biggest crush on him. How is he doing?”
“He’s doing good! He has his license now and a car.”
Kama looked up. “How does he have a license if he’s fifteen?”
Beck replied. “He’s sixteen, he was in the grade above us.” She looked back at me. “What’s new with him?”
Okay, this is going good so far. One more lie for them to believe, that’s all I need.
“We didn’t have much time to talk about anything. He asked me if I want to go riding around, and I said yes. I’m going to go, but didn’t want y’all to worry.”
Beck looked surprised. “You don’t still have a crush on him, do you Resa?”
I bristled. “No, of course not. I loved…make that I love John with all my heart. I just need a break from thinking about all of this. I’m going to go meet him now, but I’ll be back soon.”
I paused. “This will also give you and Kama some alone time.”
This made all the difference, as I’d hoped; they hadn’t had much alone time together, and I thought it would not only suit my plan, but it would be good for them too. They told me to be careful and Beck said to tell Billy hi from her.
I told them to be careful as well, and I was hoping they stayed together just as they were, there on the couch. The curse couldn’t get to them that way. When I mentioned it, they said that was the plan.
I said my goodbyes and walked out to wait for Mom by the sign. With every step I took, my fear intensified. It required thinking of Beck and Kama with every step to keep my feet moving. I tried to rehearse what I was going to say as I waited, but I had no idea what to even ask. When she pulled up, I still had nothing and hoped it would come to me.
We made the drive to our house in silence. I refused to call it a home, a home is supposed to be a place where you’re loved. I had never been loved here, only tolerated. She treated me with complete indifference unless I made her mad, and I learned young that I should avoid that at all cost. I had no idea how she was going to take this, and I worked hard to tamp down my fear.
We pulled into the driveway, and I took a deep breath.
Time to get this over with.
**/*
Mom went to the kitchen and I went straight to the bathroom as soon as we entered the house; more to get my thoughts together than to actually use it. I decided that I needed to tell her the whole truth if she was going to be able to help me.
When I joined her, she was seated at the head of the table with a glass of red wine and an almost full bottle in front of her. I prayed that she wouldn’t finish it; I was terrified of her when she was drunk. She had broken my ribs once and my arm another time; I couldn’t count the multitude of bruises I had learned to cover up over the years.
I got myself a glass of water and slowly drank some as I returned to the table and lowered myself into the chair across from her, well out of reach.
“Lee, you need to tell me everything.” When my mother was angry, she had a way of pursing her lips with a half-smile that I had always found terrifying. I was expecting that look, but instead she smiled almost kindly at me.
I couldn’t remember a word that I had rehearsed in my head; I just told her everything. How we had used the board to help us with Light as a Feather, how it forced us to use chants it had made up. How it had killed Robin with lightning, and killed John, Travis and Lycia in the way the chants said they would die.
She was quiet for a moment, and then asked,” How many are left?”
“Kama, Beck and me.”
She put her head in her hands. “I’m so sorry you lost your friends. I lost all of mine when this happened to me. I know how it feels.”
“What? You knew this was going to happen yet you said nothing? Why didn’t you tell me?” I was sobbing, and I couldn’t understand how she could have let this happen; I would never have played with the Board had I known.
She looked up at me. “Lee, I wasn’t allowed to tell you. The women in our lineage have all been promised to the Board, long before they were born. We were all fifteen when we first used a Board, and we weren’t allowed to warn our children. We couldn’t say anything about the Board or what happened to us at all; until our daughter plays it, that is. The Board made it clear that anyone we told prior to that would die, including our child.”
It dawned on me that I had made the same bargain. How could I be angry at her when I had done the same thing?
I was having a hard time wrapping my head around this. “How did this start? Why our family?”
She sighed. “It started with your great, great Grandmother. She received a Board on her fifteenth birthday.” She took a sip of her wine before she continued.
“They played it every day, but no matter how hard they tried they couldn’t get any spirits to answer them, so their interest waned. One afternoon, one of her friends suggested the game “Light as a Feather.” No one else had heard of it, so she explained the rules and they each took turns. It worked, but not well; no one could be raised more than a few inches from the floor. Your great-great-grandma Teresa-“
I broke in. “Wait, I’m named after her?”
“Yes, you are. She started this, and I’ve always hoped that you will be able to end it. I hoped that giving you her name would make this come full circle, so you could end this, once and for all.”
“You named me? You always said a nurse in the hospital named me because you couldn’t be bothered!” Tears were streaming freely down my face and I was no longer afraid of her. I was only hurt that she had made me feel so worthless all these years, allowing me to think that my own mother didn’t name me because she didn’t care enough to. That stung.
“I’m sorry, Lee, I’m sorry for everything. I kept you at arm’s length because I was afraid I would love you. If I didn’t, then I thought that perhaps I could stand it if I lost you.” She finally tore her gaze away from her glass and looked at me, with tears in her eyes. “But I was wrong. I love you, at least as much as I can love anyone.”
Her apology didn’t wipe out all the years that preceded it, but for a moment I wanted nothing more than for her to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. However, finding out the rest of the story was much more important right now.
“Please finish the story, Mom. What did Teresa do next?”
Mom wiped her eyes, and I could tell I hurt her because I changed the subject rather than respond to her tearful confession. I don’t know if she expected instant forgiveness from me; for all my tears, all the physical abuse, and all the insults she had hurled at me in my life, designed to make me feel worthless. I realized for the first time that there was nothing wrong with me, that instead there was something wrong with her.
Mom refilled her glass to the brim this time, and she took a sip before continuing.
“Teresa was disappointed that the new feather game wasn’t working, and she thought that perhaps the Ouija Board could help. She convinced the other kids, and they soon had the Board set up and ready to play. They all placed their fingers on the planchette, and read the letters out loud as it pointed to each one. When they put the letters together, it said that Teresa would be their Scribe.”
I felt a shiver crawl up my spine. “She was told to be the Scribe just like I was?”
“Yes, just like you; just like us all.”
Mom finished her wine in two gulps, and then refilled it yet again. At this rate, she was going to go through a second bottle and I wouldn’t have a ride back to Beck’s. Oh well, if the wine is loosening her lips, I’ll refill her glass myself.
“Why are we always the Scribe?”
She raised her voice. “Because the Board demands it; stop interrupting me if you want to hear the rest.”
Now here is the Mom I know, I wondered where you were hiding.
“Yes, please go on.”
“The Board came up with its own chants for Light as a Feather, and Teresa wrote it down. Everyone had to play, and they all were given a different chant; they just didn’t realize then that the chants were, in fact, curses. It only became obvious when they started dying one by one, in the ways foretold by the Board.”
“I don’t understand. I have played with a Ouija Board before at sleepovers, and nothing happened.”
“It is using the Board in combination with Light as a Feather that gives it power; nothing happens until they are used together. The Board also draws power from every rule that is broken while using it.”
“What? What kind of rules?”
“The rules for using the Ouija Board. I didn’t know them, either, and broke a rule right in the beginning that set everything in motion. I didn’t properly say goodbye to the Board.”
“Wait, how do you say goodbye to it? I just said goodbye, and that seemed to work fine.”
“It may have seemed to, but no, it didn’t “work fine.” She snorted. “You have to move the planchette over the GOODBYE on the board. Every time someone does it incorrectly adds to its power.”
It hit me that everyone had copied me in saying goodbye. That was a lot of goodbyes.
I dreaded asking my next question. “Did all of Teresa’s friends die?”
Mom looked down at her glass. “Lee, I’m sorry. Her friends didn’t survive; none of our friends ever survived.” She picked up her glass and drained it, then refilled with the last of the wine in the bottle.
“There must be a way to save Kama and Beck. Did any of you actually try to save your friends or did you just let them die?”
“Of course we tried to save them. They tried avoiding anything that could put them in harm’s way, based on the curses. The Board always found a way, no matter what anyone did to stop it.” She paused. “However, there was one difference. From what I was told Teresa wasn’t upset at her friends’ deaths. Instead, she was excited by the power of the Board. Her parents threw it away, but she found it and kept it hidden except when she was using it. People who crossed her often met with a fatal accident. I believe that she was evil, and that gave the Board its powers that have affected all of our lives.”
“You named me after her even though you knew what she was? How do you think I can stop this if three generations of women in our family couldn’t do it?”
She finally looked up at me again. “Why you? You’re more courageous and caring than any of us were.” She sighed and continued. “All of our firstborn have been girls since Teresa started this nightmare, and they were treated by their mothers the same way I’ve treated you. We have all been cowards, finding it easier to keep our distance in case the Board took our daughters as well as their friends. As a result, we all grew up with hate in our hearts. All except you; you have managed to hold onto more goodness in yours. I’ve always hoped that your goodness would be what would finally end this.”
“How many daughters died?”
“None have ever been lost to the Board; once all of our friends were gone, the game ended and none of our curses came true.”
“But you all still felt that making your child feel unloved and unwanted was the way to go?” I was furious. “You knew how it felt, how could you then treat me that way? You knew how much it hurt!”
Mom staggered a bit when she stood up, walked over to the wine cabinet and retrieved another bottle of red.
After she settled herself back at the table and poured another, she stared at the wine in her glass, perhaps looking for answers there.
She smiled with that half smile I hated. “We do a lot of things as parents that we swore we would never do. You may want to get down off that high horse you’re on, and stop judging us until you have kids of your own.”
She abruptly changed the subject. “Did you accept the bargain the Board proposed for an answer to your question?”
“Yes, I did, but you have to know that already. Why else would I be here? In exchange for my clue the Board asked for my first born, and I’m betting that’s the same choice that all of y’all were given; but I just won’t have any kids. I’m not putting anyone else through this. Maybe that’s what it will take to stop this.”
She laughed bitterly. “Ever heard, ‘Man plans while God laughs?’ Do you think you’re the first to say it doesn’t matter because they won’t have kids? Lee, I won’t sugarcoat it, I never wanted kids anyway. I took every precaution, had my tubes tied – and I even tried to abort you myself. Yet here you are. I tried to treat you better than my mother had treated me, and I do love you as much as I can; I just wasn’t cut out to be a mother.”
So I was right, she had never wanted me. But did it make a difference that she had been forced by the Board to have me at all? I didn’t know exactly how I felt yet, but I also didn’t have time to figure it out right now; the longer I was gone from Beck’s the more likely that one of them would die. Thinking about this could wait, especially because the pain of hearing that said aloud hurt me to my core, and was a distraction I didn’t need.
“You know what, Mom? I don’t want to talk about this now, I want to talk about how to save Beck and Kama. It’s not like it’s news to me that you didn’t want me, anyway.”
I cleared my throat. “So I already said that I accepted the bargain from the Board, but you never asked me what my clue was for. Why is that?”
“Oh, because it’s always the same; you asked for a clue to save your life and it pointed you at me.”
“Actually, I didn’t ask for a clue to save my life. I asked for a clue as to who the traitor is and it told me to ask you.” I paused. “Why would it do that? Do you know who the traitor is?”
We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. All I could hear was the sound of the wall clock, loudly ticking away what time that Beck and Kama had left as I impatiently awaited her answer.
“I do know, but you are not going to like it. Are you sure you want me to tell you?”
I paused, fearing that she would say Beck’s name; please, not my best friend. Not my Beck. I tried to steel myself as I nodded for her to continue.
She spilled wine all over the table as she tried to refill her glass. She grabbed some napkins and tried to clean it up but just ended up making a bigger mess. I was sure she was stalling.
“Well, who is it?” I asked, “Just tell me!”
“It’s you, Lee. The traitor is you.”
**/*
I stood up so fast that I tipped my chair over. “You fucking liar! I would never betray my friends!”
“Lee, I never said that you betrayed them on purpose; it’s the Board. It uses any anger you have ever felt towards them, and magnifies it. It doesn’t care if your anger was petty or if it was from long ago; it gets into our minds, knowing that friends always get mad at each other. The Board knows that it will always find something to use.”
I stood there in shock, wracking my brain for anytime I had been mad at each of them. I couldn’t think of a single time when I was more than irritated. Well, I was upset when Beck kept landing on John in Spin the Bottle; even then, I knew it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t control who the bottle ended up pointing to.
The more I thought about it, I did remember being mad at each of them.
John when he spent more time learning dives than with me.
Kama for playing around with a broomstick and smacking me in the back with it hard enough to leave a bruise.
Travis for an argument where he said that dogs should always live outside. By the time he admitted he was teasing me I was already mad.
Robin for chasing and shocking me over and over with static electricity when we were in third grade.
Beck for playing with a candle and spilling hot wax on my brand new blouse.
Lycia for making fun of me in first grade after my mother cut my long hair hair into a pixie cut. She kept swinging her hair around and - her hair; exactly what Beck had added to her curse.
In fact, now I could see that all of the curses came from me. I was mad at them over nothing, and now they were dying because of it.
I sat down on the floor and sobbed. She was right, it was me; I was the traitor with hatred in my heart.
I pushed Mom away as she tried to comfort me, and cried until I had no more tears. I knew I had to get my shit together; I was going to save Beck and Kama, no matter what it took. This was my fault and I was going to fix it.
I finally got up, walked over to the sink and washed my face, using her dish towel to dry it knowing how much that would piss her off. I wanted to punch something, and one word out of her mouth meant that something would be her face.
She wisely decided to let it slide. “Lee, do you have any more questions? I’ve told you everything I know so I don’t think I can be of any more help.”
“Okay, I do have one last question.” I turned to face her. “Am I allowed to tell Beck and Kama what I’ve learned, or will that ensure their deaths?”
“You can tell them, it doesn’t matter at this point anyway. Their fates are already sealed.”
I shook my head. “Not if I have anything to say about it. Speaking of which, I’m going to head back to Beck’s now.”
Mom got up and said, “Let me find my shoes and I’ll take you.” She stumbled as she looked around for shoes that were already on her feet.
I surprised myself by laughing. “Mom, I think I’ll be safer if I just walk.”
She walked me outside and gave me a hug, and I found myself hugging her back. I had waited so long for a hug from her that felt like she meant it. I whispered,” Thank you” then pulled away and headed down the walk without looking back.
**/*
My thoughts were racing as I walked back to Beck’s, bouncing back and forth between terror and resolve. I was shocked when I realized that I was almost there, it felt like I had left Mom’s only a few minutes ago. I was so afraid that they were both going to hate me when they knew the truth; after all, I had brought this down on all of us. Well, all of them; it seemed like I was the only one who was safe. How exactly does one apologize for that?
I let myself into Beck’s, and they weren’t in the living room. I called out, but everything was quiet. I checked Beck’s room and they weren’t there so I decided to check the pool.
Nope, they also weren’t at the pool. Where could they have gone? Kama’s, maybe they went there?
I walked to Kama’s and they weren’t there either, and I was fresh out of ideas and getting more worried every second. I suddenly thought of the woods, we hung out there sometimes. There was only an acre or so of woods that ran along the back of the apartments, but it was the closest we city kids could get to the wilderness. As I entered the woods, I could hear shouts and laughter coming from somewhere, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I stopped to listen, and it seemed to be coming from my right so I headed off in that direction. The shouts grew louder and I realized that whoever it was seemed to be headed down the path that I was on. I instinctively hid; I didn’t recognize any of the voices, it sounded like a large group of boys. I left the path and hid behind a group of trees, and as they passed I could see that it was several guys from the high school who I recognized as seniors. I heard one say,” Did you see the look on their faces?” The response was drowned out by their laughter, but I was suddenly terrified. Were they talking about Beck and Kama?
When they were finally out of sight, I crept from my hiding place and back onto the path to continue my search. I found them a few minutes later, and Kama was pissed right off. I guess that the guys had pushed him and Beck around, and he couldn’t do anything to stop them. They had held them down and taken their shoes, tied the laces together and thrown them into a tree where they hung from branches maybe fifteen or twenty feet up the tree. Kama wanted to climb and get them, and Beck was holding on to him to stop him.
“Are you crazy, Kama? Your curse said you would die in a fall and you are not climbing that tree.”
An idea popped into my mind, and I said,” Why don’t I climb up and get them? My curse has nothing to do with falling.”
I didn’t wait for an answer as I walked to the tree, grabbed a lower branch and pulled myself up. I had always been a tomboy, and climbing trees was nothing new. I quickly made it up to Beck’s shoes, and I untangled them from the branch and dropped them to the ground. Kama’s were hanging another five feet above my head, and when I reached them I fumbled as I pretended to try to get them loose while I gathered my courage and tried to remember exactly what Kama’s curse had said. Losing his grip and falling were all I could remember, and I was furious at myself for not memorizing them. This would have to do, I won’t get another chance. I said a quick prayer and grabbed the branch the shoes were tangled in. I let myself dangle as Beck let out a scream. ”Resa, what are you doing? You’re going to fall!”
I ignored her and hung there, pretending to try to get my legs around the branch. Kama jumped up and ran to the tree to come help me, and I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I closed my eyes and released the branch, and started to fall. I hit several branches on my way down, and had the breath knocked out of me. It felt like I fell for hours, but it had to have been only seconds before I hit the ground. Beck ran over to me, and I was fine. Scratches and bruises from the branches hitting me, but I was alive. I was so disappointed, I had hoped that if I died in Kama’s place using his curse, then it would break this cycle. After all, we Scribes – no, we Traitors - never die during the game. I thought it was time that one of us did. But it didn’t work, and I’m no closer to saving them than I was before.
We left Kama’s shoes in the tree and went back to Beck’s, walking slowly so I could keep up. I was pretty beaten up by the fall, but I didn’t even break a bone. They bought my story that I couldn’t reach his shoes without hanging on that branch; I was glad of that, I didn’t want them to know what I had planned and failed to do.
Once there I went into the bathroom to clean up, and Beck helped me put ointment on all the scratches I couldn’t reach. As she worked on cleaning the scratches, I worked on gaining the courage to tell them what I had learned from Mom. I was terrified that they would hate me, which they had every right to do. After all, this was all on me.
When we finished we headed to the living room, and Kama was sitting in the rocking chair, reared up on the back of the rockers, just like John used to do before he broke the chair. We had glued it back together, but I wasn’t sure if the chair would hold with him putting so much pressure on it in the same way it had been broken.
I got out “Kama, I wouldn’t do-“ but before I could finish my sentence the chair suddenly gave way. Kama fell backwards as the chair collapsed, and managed to grab the edge of the fireplace mantel with his fingertips to stop his fall. Before Beck or I could react, his fingers lost their grip and he fell.
We watched in horror as he landed on the only spindle still attached to the seat. The top of the spindle had broken into a sharp point and it pierced his back and burst through his chest. He was bleeding from his mouth, and all I could see was Travis, choking on his blood. We both ran over to him and turned him carefully to his side so he could still breathe. Beck stayed by his side while I ran to call an ambulance. I could hear Beck wailing and I silently prayed as I waited to be connected. They said they would hurry and I ran to tell Beck, but it was too late. She had her arms wrapped around him as best she could with the damn spindle in the way, and she was quietly sobbing. I sat down beside Beck with my hand on her back and cried with her, as we waited for the ambulance that no longer needed to hurry.