Hello, I have a lot on my mind and I don’t think I should try to put it all into one article. I think that I should start at the beginning.
I am an 18 years old university student, I live with my mother and my grandmother, I will not reveal my name as it is irreverent to the story. It all began when I first heard the voices. I was 16 at the time, and in hindsight, I can tell I wasn’t really smart. I used to experiment with drugs. My drugs of choice back then were mostly psychedelics, but I doubled up on stimulants every chance I got.
I think you can tell that my mental state at the time wasn’t the best so when I started hearing the voices I thought that I was developing some kind of schizophrenia or some similar illness. But the weird thing is, the voices weren’t cruel to me. I kinda liked them. I couldn’t exactly tell what they were saying, but it didn’t matter. I felt them, the warmth and love that was emanating from them was something that I had not felt for ages. They were leading me, I could hear more clearly every second I walked toward them.
Somehow I knew what they wanted me to do.
'’Look into the mirror’’
I jumped when I realized that this voice doesn’t belong to them.
I looked to the right and saw a middle-aged man looking at me with his soulless eyes.
'’Look into the mirror’’
He said again as I started to panic a bit because suddenly when the man showed up my voices became silent.
The love and kindness morphed into crippling fear and anxiety.
I started to panic, even more, when he continued to repeat the same sentence over and over again.
'’Look into the mirror’’
'’Look into the mirror’’
'’Look into the mirror, please’’
That was it, I had enough of this bullshit
I began to run in the direction of my house, looking back to see if the man had changed his location.
He was standing still, not even trying to chase me, only looking at me as I was getting further away from him.
I walked the last few steps to my house and unlocked the door. Something felt off, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
I know, without a doubt, that I will never be safe without my voices. I said hello to my mom and locked myself in my room. I barricaded the door and closed all the windows.
I knew it wouldn’t help, but I closed them anyway. In truth, I spent my whole life in an illusion of sorts. The words of the man echoed in my head. Do I want to do it?
Do I want to look in the mirror?
I didn’t know what to do. I realized that without my voices I can’t do anything, I’m useless. So obviously I turned into my other savior. I pulled my small bag out from under the bed.
I had a little, but the combination of amphetamine and cannabis should help me. Maybe the voices will come back.
They didn’t come back, but it didn’t matter. All of a sudden, my confidence went through the roof. I was ready to take on anything., I will do it
They want me to do it.
I unlocked the door and walked out of my made-up safe space. It doesn’t matter what life throws at me. My thoughts became more aggressive and I almost felt detached from them.
In my new state of confidence, I walked into the bathroom. There is the only mirror in my house. When I unlocked the door and walked in, my thoughts got out of control. They were similar to the voices, but somehow different. They were aggressive and cruel. But I didn’t care. I can do it as long as I don’t go silent again. I can do anything ,so I looked in the mirror.
You did it - I said, what I didn’t say that, I mean, I didn’t want to say that but somehow it came out of my mouth. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t do that. I was powerless, but how, I did everything I overcame my fears, but I can’t move my body I am forced to look into the mirror.
Looking in the mirror, I notice how much my appearance has changed. The person looking back at me is someone I don’t recognize. I see signs of strain and pain; dark circles under my eyes, frown lines on my forehead. My hair is greasy and too long. It seems like it’s been years since I’ve seen that person in the mirror.
I think about the person I used to be before all this happened: timid, shy, and introverted. Perhaps with a chance, he would have gone on to do something more notable in life. But instead, here I am. And you know what? It’s ok.
I don’t need any of that, I have a friend now. The mirror was my constant companion for the last six months
I would often go to it when I had something to hide, or when I felt ashamed of my actions. It would tell me secrets that I’d forgotten and show me things I didn’t want to see. The mirror has seen me at my very worst, and yet it stayed by my side, giving me strength and telling me secrets while taking care of my emotional baggage. But it comes with a price too. The mirror takes all of your negative emotions and cares for you, but it also makes its mark on you.
If you want to be the mirror, you can do that. You are free, but you’re never going to be able to get away from it. It will always be there for you. If you decide to look in the mirror, I can see it on you. Some people are okay with it, and others want to get away, but it never works out. It doesn’t matter how far you go, you will always end up looking in the mirror
I think I should cut this story off right here. I have so much to do that I need to put a stop to this story once and for all. I have some honest advice for those of you that like your life, and don’t have any problems: don’t look into the mirror. You might not obtain what you want from it.
But if you feel like your life is falling apart, just listen to the voices.