My fascination with dreaming began with a reoccurring nightmare that I had as a child. It basically went as follows:
My eyes would snap open and lock on to the TV across the room as my body remained lying still in bed. The screen was shrouded in blue, and then would fade into silent static; not emitting a single sound. I’d try to get myself out of bed to turn the TV off but to my surprise, my limbs wouldn’t move. It was like they were being weighed down by some unseeable barrier, and once I realized that my body was inoperable I’d start to get frightened, as the adrenaline began racing beneath and atop my skin, creating a shaky angst that couldn’t be soothed through movement.
I remember I’d try to desperately force my body to work like it was supposed to through shear willpower, all to no avail, and the more unresponsive my body was the more frightened I’d get. My attempts to regain control of my limbs were halted when I heard a sound in the distance. A single creak of the floorboard outside my room alerted me that something was upstairs. I say something because intuitively I knew that whatever was lurking in the hallway upstairs was non-human, and I could tell just by the sheer terror that enveloped me from hearing that single creaking step.
My wide-eyes would lock on to my bedroom door to the left of my TV, awaiting the arrival of whatever that something was. Another eerie, creaking step would echo into the room, and I’d begin panting as the realization set in that it was coming after me, that it knew I was completely vulnerable.
Suddenly, a succession of rampant footsteps drew nearer, slamming onto the ground as it sprinted closer towards my room. Each and every crescendoing creak and slam on the floorboard somehow caused pain to my body as that unseeable barrier seemed to press harder onto my skin, crushing me, passing through me, and slamming into my organs as the thing drew nearer. I’d try so desperately to scream for my parents to help but only the sound of white noise would exit my vocal chords, rendering me completely helpless.
The slamming grew louder and more violent, my ears would begin to ring as I screamed muted cries for help. The door would burst open and in an instant the lanky creature with long black hair hurled herself across the room and land on top of my chest as it screeched while the ringing and white noise of my screams blended together to form a distorted symphony of treacherous terror. The creature, that ugly and inhuman monstrosity had black eyes and pale features covered in black veins and dirty long black hair that covered the majority of its facial features. A vile witches laugh would ring inside of my head, and in an instant its black hair would shoot back and before I could ever get a clear view of its face, it’d open its wide mouth and lunge its teeth towards my face.
Before I could feel the grueling pain of its bite, I’d wake up in my bed covered in sweat and crying my eyes out. I’d lay there for hours, silently crying, afraid that the creature was out there in my hallway, waiting for me to make a sound. Only when the sun rays flooded into my room did I begin to feel safe, and attempt to drift back to sleep.
I had this nightmare multiple times, and it got to the point where I’d be able to make the dream stop out of the desperate need to escape the dream. Although, I had learned how to exit that specific night terror, I was still subject to plenty of nightmares that I could not escape from. Unfortunately, my diabolical dreams have continued and are a prevalent burden in my life.
Nightmares have a special ability to stress the body out and wear it down slowly, which of course affects the daily routine of those who have to deal with them. In my case, my performance at my labor intensive job began to suffer dramatically, and when confronted by my superiors, I’d get so irritable that I’d lash out at them and find myself without a job, which only quadrupled the stress that I was dealing with, making the nightmares even worse.
I’ve put multiple hours into researching foods, supplements, habits, etc. that could prevent these nightmares from occurring but nothing has helped whatsoever. I felt trapped, suffocated even within this endless cycle of stressors; always feeling as if the wheel of fortune or favor by some higher universal power was always turned against me, mocking me. For awhile, I considered suicide since my daily life was filled with dreariness, low-energy, conflict, and overall disappointment, meanwhile, the time my body and mind were supposed to heal was corrupted by visions of vile horror that would traumatize the average person. Eventually suicide no longer became a possibility but a necessary action that would need to be taken if my circumstances didn’t improve.
On November 4th, 2019 I had made a promise to myself that if I could not find a way to make the nightmares disappear for just a single night, I would blow my brains out deep in the forest behind my house so that nobody could find me, I’d just be gone, and if anyone did find me, at least my corpse would be finished decomposing and all that would remain is bone.
I was out of a job, yet luckily I was smart with my money and had some money set aside in case of emergencies, of course it would’ve been useless to me when I was gone, but if by a mere chance I found relief even for one night, I had some time to figure out how to get my next payday.
On the 4th, I recall going on the Dreams subreddit , and asking if anyone had any methods of getting rid of nightmares, and I also mentioned my predicament and how much of a toll they were taking on my mental and physical health. I didn’t mention my plan for committing suicide but I definitely made it clear that I was in need of serious help. I received a hundred or so responses, but to my disappointment, they were all tested, tried, and failed long ago. It seemed to me that I had already attempted every possible solution, but I was hopeless. After I finished scrolling through the comments, I remember throwing my phone down on the floor and crumpling into a ball as I began breaking down, messily sobbing. I begged and begged, hoping that God would hear me just this once and provide me with some protection or solution. I didn’t truly want to die, and I knew that, I just couldn’t bare the non-stop nightmares anymore and just wanted to remember what peace felt like. I laid on the ground, motionless, thoughtless, swaying in a tiresome void as my weak and heavy limbs sagged to the floor. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
I awoke to the sound of a single creak of the floorboard, that familiar and dreaded sound. My eyes were dialed towards the door across the long and narrow hallway. The white door was shut like it should have been, but my heightened instincts knew that the creature from so long ago had found me once more, and was lurking behind the door.
That heavy, unmovable energetic barrier was crushing me once more, leaving my body completely inoperable. I tried to squirm and regain control but my attempts were futile. Another creak of the wooden floorboard echoed across the house, reverberating inside of me. I felt my body tensing up as the adrenaline rush began flowing through me, I watched in horror as the door handle visibly began to slowly turn left to right. My heart was racing and was pounding against my chest, but simultaneously it felt as if it was starting to melt inside of my chest. The solid thump began to morph into a bubbling pop that spread throughout the entirety of my upper body, burning it from the inside out as it began to boil. I felt the tears rushing down my face, and began to instinctively scream but only the sound of the door handle twisting over and over again in rapid succession could be heard, along with the faint clicking of teeth and rapid breath that the creature was producing from the other side of the door.
Despite my terror, I somehow managed to ask internally ask myself how to make it all stop, and to my surprise I remembered how I managed to do it as a child. The door flung open, the lanky creature was crawling on all fours like a demented and twitchy spider-human hybrid, only this time it was teasing me. It moved slowly and through its long black hair I could make out the shape of black eyes staring into me as it slowly crawled towards me. All I had to do was close my eyes and visualize somewhere else, and it would all go away. Before closing my eyes, I just looked at the creature, it wasn’t moving anymore, instead it just sat on all fours, staring at me, analyzing me. I was terrified to close my eyes, but I knew I had to in order to escape, and so I did. I formed a mental picture of a Buddhist garden surrounded by gorgeous flowers and statues of buddha all over the place, but in the background I could hear the floorboard being stomped on as the banging grew louder and the burning of my skin increased in intensity until somehow I was no longer there.
Panting heavily, and sweating, I opened my eyes and I was overjoyed to see that I was in the garden I had envisioned. I dropped to my knees and began to cry with absolute joy as the warm rush of gratefulness hugged my body. The sun rays were shining through my eye lids but not burning them whatsoever, meanwhile the vibrant grass under me seemed to vibrate and pulse with a comforting massaging effect. I wiped my tears, stood up, and walked down the narrow stone path awaiting me as I happily embraced the peaceful scenery around me.
The stone made Buddha statues seemed to have a faint green and purple aura emanating from them, and its textures seemed to subtly shift in and out as if they were breathing. A variety of odd yet majestic trees swayed overhead, their leaves bristling against one another, forming some sort of harmonic rhythm that eased me into a further state of immense tranquility and comfort. I looked down at my hands and saw faint red lines forming geometric shapes on the surface of my skin that seemed to change as the wind caressed them. Up ahead, I saw a large polished boulder with engravings on its surface that resembled words. Out of curiosity, I ran up to it to read the message. When I reached it, the message was engraved onto it was incoherent and seemed to be changing, but when I focused my eyes on it closer, I saw that it read
“It’s time to wake up now.”
The sound of crickets chirping all around me was the first thing I heard upon waking. Before, opening my eyes, I instantly got excited by the thrill of rejuvenating energy coursing through my body, but that was taken away from me and replaced with dread when I opened my eyes in shock as I noticed I was out in the middle of the forest. I shot up to my feet and felt a throbbing pain in my arms. Red soaked cuts and jagged patterned scratches covered in dirt and bug bites were fresh on my arms along with little teeth marks and wet with saliva that seemed to burn my skin. I frantically looked all around me in search of danger but saw nothing at first. I didn’t scream or make a single sound, I knew better than to do so. I simply scanned my surroundings carefully, and in the distance I saw the shape of a house faintly illuminated by a gentle yellow light; it was my house.
Before I moved towards it, I scanned my surroundings once more to ensure that I was alone. To tell the truth, I didn’t know if the coast was clear but I bolted towards the house without looking back. I nearly broke through the back door on my failed attempt to quickly turn the knob. I slammed the door shut and screamed at the top of my lungs while pacing and slamming my hands upon any surface I could. During my fit, I reached up towards my face and shot my hand back in pain immediately. I ran towards the bathroom to look in the mirror at myself, I flicked the light on and underneath all the sweat, dirt, and grime, spread across the entirety of the right side of my face were tiny teeth marks dripping with small streams of my blood. In that moment, every ounce of strength and sanity I had left were crushed and stripped away from me. I looked at myself in the mirror briefly, staring at myself intensely, preparing myself for what I knew had to be done. Peace would never be an option for me, comfort was not apart of my destiny, only terror and violence awaited me. If you’re reading this, I wish you goodbye, and I urge you to be grateful for knowing what peace truly feels like. I envy you, and will do so until my very last moment on this earth. It’s time for me to wake up out of this nightmare, even if what I wake up to is the pureness of nothing.