I lost my father suddenly last year. I still wish it was all a bad dream and that I can hug him once and tell him that I love him a lot. The most in this world. But I can’t. I think that when he got sick, I didn’t do enough and that my lack of knowledge killed him. That I killed him. Loosing him is the first personal loss of my life and it’s the biggest loss I could ever think of. I got his so many pics printed and I keep seeing them. It’s like they teleport me in those times. I wish I could paint my whole world with his pictures so that wherever I see.. I could see him.
I am and only child of my parents. What hurts most is that mother is going through this loss because of me.. because I didn’t do enough to save my father. In this whole world only he could understand me.. he was my pillar. My strength. And now I feel alone. I am from India..and it’s like everybody around me wants me to get married. But I have no one I love. My mother doesn’t understand me even a bit. I mean she’s nice but she doesn’t understand what mental health is because they never had these issues so vocally out in public while they were growing up. I blame her sometimes that she makes me wish I could run away. But I also know that I am bound by my responsibilities and I can’t escape. My father would’ve understood if I would tell him that I am not ready to start a family of my own.
You know what, feeling depressed and acting accordingly, leaving everything behind is a privilege. I feel like I don’t want to do anything and lie around on couch .. but I can’t. I have to go one and do my duties. I didn’t even cried when my father passed away.. I was preparing everything for his funeral and I didn’t let the feeling hit me that, that was the last time. Even when it was his first death anniversary, I was busy in attending to people who came to visit us. People think that I am totally okay.. or unaffected since I don’t cry river in front of them. But deep inside I know what I feel. I feel guilty and shattered. I feel anxious when I have to take any decisions since my last ones betrayed me and ended up my father’s life.
Why is it that nights always make me wish that if given one change, I could’ve died instead of him. I fear that I am forgetting all the small small moments of my life that included him. I don’t want to. There should really be some mechanism to record our memories.
I can’t sleep properly. I sleep a lot but I keep seeing dreams of something random, or sometimes him and I feel like even in my sleep I’m awake. Restless. I just want to touch him once, he had a gentle warmth in his touch.. like he was blessing me always. I want him back so that I can tell him that I love him.