Hey guys. Wanted to see if anybody could relate to my situation/help. I’ll spare the long winded details. I play college sports, have a great family, and friends, but couldn’t feel more alone. I’m not diagnosed with depression, but I have a constant sadness that never seems to go away.
Most days I am unable to get out of my bed until 2-3pm and when I do, I fail to take care of responsibilities. I scroll on TikTok/reels for hours and hours just so I don’t have to think about anything. I am not suicidal. Sure the thoughts have popped in but I understand that that isn’t the answer. I’m just on what seems like a downward spiral and I have resorted to ranting to strangers on the internet.
I ended a relationship almost 2 years ago. I ended things. It was my choice. The breakup was very messy and I understand that it was the correct decision. As time went on, and the occasional random hookups didn’t fill the hole left by the lack of a relationship, I’ve ended up creating heartbreak in my head somehow. She fought for a long time to get back together but after the drama that ensued after we ended things I knew I shouldn’t. Eventually she moved away to pursue a career. We still have contact but it is very rare. I don’t think I have feelings for her but I’ve been so upset about this that now I’m not sure. she has been in my dreams, but I feel like that’s only because I’ve convinced myself that I’m hurt by the breakup so far after the fact.
All of This was becoming too much so I secretly started going to therapy through our school, but the person I talk to won’t allow me to explain in full detail (much like this post) what it is that’s bothering me.I didn’t tell any of my friends I was going because I’m a guy and we all know how that is treated. I didn’t tell my family because they have always wanted the best for me, and I don’t want to burden them with the thought that their child is mentally ill. If I told them they would do what they could to help me but I can’t bear the thought of them being awake at night worried about it.
This sadness/loneliness has taken over my life. The hobbies I enjoy aren’t fun anymore, I’m failing classes, and every time I drink with friends I end up so destroyed that I make a scene. I desperately want to find the happy kid that I grew up as. The grip this feeling has on me is not how I want to spend my time. I am smart enough to understand that this isn’t permanent but I feel like until I find a way out of this state then it will be. If someone could offer some sort of substantial advice I’d appreciate it.
This post was all over the place but if you made it through all that then thank you.