Every day after 4 pm. I would walk over to watch her at cheer practice. I had an obsession. My heart yearns for her
Because I love her so much.
And because I love her, I feel my chest fall so far below my body that I feel empty. Something should be there.
Her. But I can’t have her.
I don’t know how I can move on.
I say “goodbye” and she can never hear me. I say “I love you” and she never knew I said it.
That’s what hurts the most.
This last week I was studying for my Econ 103 midterm. “Consumers buy goods and producers sell goods as it makes them better off. How much better off are they?” I thought it was such a vague question, I mean, how much better off am I when people sell goods and services? It could mean anything. It makes me wonder if it matters what the product even was. It was never a clear question. Am I to never understand what this question means? It’s like saying, “People eat when they are hungry. How much better are you when fed?” I just… ugh!
I put the stupid overpriced textbook back into its compartment in my bag. You know, school is a scam. Just like crypto or NFTs. Only my school uses NRTs. Non Refundable Textbooks. Seriously. I had to get this fucker from a Goodwill and the pages were basically eaten by rats. What keeps me going to school at all is knowing that at least I go to school with the most pretty cheer captain I’ve ever seen. Hell, I live right next door to her. She would never pay much attention to me, though. I mean, I’m such a quiet girl. I see her talk with her friends about any shit with that smile of hers. That beautiful, radiant smile.
As I was walking home from school I took the scenic route and went down the park. As I passed a bench I heard an old man call my name. Odd. I don’t think I know him.
After addressing me he asked me if I could sit down for a minute. That was when I saw him.
His eyes were sunken into his face with dark circles below and around his eyelids. The wrinkles on his face were worn, grooved, and curved along his bald head so that there was no shine but just a continuous valley of hills. His nose was large and red, like a cartoon drunk. His smile was small, with his teeth peeking between thin lips. He looked to be at least 60. He was dressed in a large blue robe.
” A young woman like you shouldn’t have such a frown on her face.”
He gave his little smile again as I sat across from him, clearly uncomfortable. He didn’t mind me though. Just kept right on talking.
“Tell me. Something bothering you? You can always tell me. Look, I know you don’t know me but think of me like your grandpa. Tell me. What is it you want. Tell me.”
“Well…. there’s this girl.”
“Young lady, I’ve been on this planet for at least 65 years and in that time, the beginning of every story always starts with ‘there’s this girl.’”
“…”
“How does your story go?”
“She’s cheer captain. A pretty, blonde preppy kinda girl. I usually make fun of girls like her because I hate how she falls into such a gender stereotype, and on top of that she actually is blonde. But let’s face it. I am in love with her anyway. I dunno. I can’t really control how I feel. Not that it matters, though. I’m practically invisible to her.”
“…”
“I’m okay with that…. look, I think I said too much, I need to get going and-“
“Just a minute. I have just the thing.”
The old man reached into his coat and pulled out a small wooden hairbrush.
“Take it. Leave this in her house. Bring me back the brush, and I will use the hair to cast my spell on her. Yes, I said spell. I am a magic user. And trust me when I say: she will love you. All that she will think of is you. But know this: it comes with a price. Your heart. It will be that much easier to break. That much easier to fool. You will be in constant pain wondering if the spell is doing the work, or if there actually is a part of her somewhere that loves you. It will tear you apart. You will probably wish you can take this back. Even so, do you want someone to love you that much? Are you prepared to face the consequences of forcing someone’s love?”
I thought for a minute. Of her cheering and kicking. Of her smile.
“Yes.”
I took the brush and when I got home I noticed the window was open at her house. The living room! I took out the small wooden brush and tossed it over the couch.
Touchdown! Go team, go!
The next day I went outside to go to school and right there laying on the edge of the window was the brush. This time, however, the window was closed. I threw a rock and reached in and grabbed it. My hand bleeding from some of the glass shards I took with it.
I skipped school that day and went to the park, looking for the old man. I think I found the bench empty.
Everything went dark.
I don’t know how long I was asleep, but when I woke up I saw a strange tall creature stand over me. Large eyes like a squid looking off into its sides. The creature’s mouth was closed, teeth hanging down like walrus tusks or a sabertooth tiger. Its wiry body is covered in sharp hairs. It was hunched over, sniffing the air. Suddenly it looked in my direction.
That’s when it happened.
The hair from the brush floated toward it, shining. The single hair floating in front of me. Invisible. Until blood began to drip. Blood began to pour. I felt a pang in my chest like a heart attack. The hair was bleeding so much, it formed a ball in the air. That ball grew bigger, and bloodier. Texture began to form and before I knew it a heart was created from the hair, strands of DNA forming the very motor that propels life. The human heart.
Then, the creature stood up and opened its mouth. The pain in my chest grew more intense. Jaws wide open, the heart came close enough.
And when he bit down, I felt the same pain as when I lost my mother to cancer 2 years ago. All the fears and all the love. That sinking feeling of knowing I’ll never see her again. I felt the pain of when I broke my arm on the trampoline when I was 7, and the bone was exposed. I felt true, actual pain. I was suffering.
I heard a loud audible gulp.
The creature swallowed the heart. My heart. And now I lay down in a pool of blood. Dying.
“You had me worried for a second there.”
I woke up on the bench next to the old man in the blue robe.
“She will love you, no doubt about that. No doubt about that.”
For some reason, the old man was crying.
“No doubt about that.”
I sat there and watched as he let the tears flow and his large red nose wet and sniffled.
“We had a deal. Pleasure doing business with you ma’am.”
I shook his hand, and then he suddenly vanished.
I went to school later that same day with a spring in my step. So what if I ditched 4 of my classes. This was awesome! She’ll love me!
I was met with the eyes of a pretty blonde cheerleader.
Oh my god! This is finally happening, I thought.
She was just finishing up another conversation.
“So have you seen her?”
“No, I’m afraid I haven’t.”
“They don’t allow dogs at my apartment.”
“Oh well, bye girls, and remember, we still have practice with the dance team Saturday!”
The other cheerleaders left. Leaving me alone with my one true love.
“Hi.”
She looked confused. “Um, hi?”
I asked her, “What do you think of me?”
“I think of you. Yeah sure. Pretty much every day. I worship the ground you walk upon.”
“You do?”
“-Is what you WISH I would say but, let’s face it. Not even boys can like a lesbian like you.”
My heart did break.
But wait, this was supposed to work.
She was supposed to love me.
I went outside to cry. I didn’t want anyone to see me. My eyes were wet with tears. Suddenly, I felt something on my cheek. Something small and wet.
A little dog was licking my face. A cute little Samoyed.
It followed me home to my bedroom where all it did was lick me from head to toe and bark excitedly. Every time I bent down to pet it, it would shiver with warmth and whine.
There was a collar. It’s name was “Mittens.” Such a stupid name for a dog. Even for a cat really, but a dog?
I looked at the address.
It wasn’t her that fell in love with me, it was her fucking dog!
HER DOG LOVES ME!
Never in my life have a felt so cheated and frustrated. I vented into my bedding Mittens licking the backside of my head with my face covered by a pillow. Every once in a while, though, she got a good lick at one side of my face when I turned.
Mittens didn’t know what was going on.
“Let’s take you for a walk”
As I used a belt I found around the house as the makeshift leash, I snapped it over the collar and proceeded out the door.
I got used to the routine. I took Mittens around the park every day after school. I never told anyone I had her.
One night Mittens was antsy, and she spilled her food bowl. Great! I’m kinda new at getting dog food, but I know the nearby dollar store sells dog food for about five bucks. Ha! Dollar store indeed!
I got Mittens ready just like every day. Only I was sensing something was off.
There were some men looking at me. One of them just grabbed at the hem of my dress to pull it up.
“Feet check!” The man said.
“Leg check!” Another man said.
I pulled down my dress
“Hey chica, mind if we show you a good time?”
“NO!”
“Hey, hey. I wasn’t asking.”
Just then, one of them pulled out a knife. Brandishing it, he held the blade up to his lips and licked the edge. Smiling at me as he did it.
I pushed him away and began to run.
They tacked me. Pinned me down.
I had a rescuer.
Mittens growled, and landed on top of me, growling at the men above me.
Then the most horrible thing happened.
The man with the knife plunged it down to my chest. Stabbing Mittens.
The cops didn’t come for a while, but luckily some passerby got their phones out and some of them even stomped on the men on the ground, helping me to my feet. They even called the animal shelter for a vet but it was too late. Mittens was gone.
I think Mittens was such a stupid name. I would have called her hero. I would have called her friend.
I think the old man was right, he did warn me this would take away my heart.
Every day after 4 pm. I would walk over to Mitten’s grave. I had an obsession. My heart yearns for her
Because I love her so much.
And because I love her, I feel my chest fall so far below my body that I feel empty. Something should be there.
Her. But I can’t have her.
I don’t know how I can move on.
I say “goodbye” and she can never hear me. I say “I love you” and she never knew I said it.
That’s what hurts the most.