Last week, me and my friend Maggie were at my mom’s house getting ready to go out to the bar. My sister Grace was planning on coming with us, but started feeling sick.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“I’ve got a bad sore throat,” she replied.
That’s when mom walked in. We saw her listening outside the door but pretended we didn’t.
“Do you wanna come get drinks with me and Maggie?” I asked.
“Oh, not tonight honey. I think I’m coming down with something. My throat has been so sore.”
This was not surprising. Anytime anyone around mom had any sort of ailment, she decided that she had it too. They’re never diagnosed by a doctor, but she’s had damn near every virus and disease I’ve ever heard of. When my aunt got arthritis, she claimed to have it too. When I got psoriasis, she swore she felt hers coming on despite not having anything visible. Mom is a hypochondriac.
While my sick sister stayed at moms, Maggie and I went out and got loaded. Not gonna lie, we went hard. A lot of the night was blurry. I remembered something weird though. This guy.
He was a decent looking older gentleman. He was very charismatic. We assumed he was hitting on us when he approached us. He started asking weird questions.
“What would you wish for if you had one wish?” he asked. “Nothing crazy like immortality or a million dollars. Something relatively practical, but big.” he said.
“I want a million dollars,” Maggie laughed.
“Is there something in your everyday life you’ve been wanting?” he asked. “A promotion? A man?”
“There it is!” I yelled. “That’s some pickup line buddy.”
“I’m serious,” he said. “I can grant you each one wish. It just can’t be crazy. Just something that would make your life better.”
“Well I want a promotion!” Maggie loudly slurred. “Since you offered.”
“Done,” the man said.
“Shit, I should’ve asked for a cure for all diseases,” Maggie laughed.
“My mom would hate that,” I laughed.
“Why’s that?” the man asked.
“She likes being sick, even when she isn’t. She’s the world’s biggest hypochondriac.”
“Do you want me to make it so she isn’t?” He asked.
“Sure!” I laughed.
“Done.”
“Well thank you very much for your service, mister kidnapper,” Maggie slurred sarcastically.
The man smiled and said goodbye. Then he just left. He didn’t ask us to go home with him. He didn’t offer to share a cab. He just left.
Shortly after that, we called a cab and that’s pretty much all I could remember. We made it back to my moms and woke up with violent hangovers.
When I got up, Maggie was making breakfast. She’s so much better at hangovers than me. I got up and ate. We laughed about the previous night and the weird silver fox genie who didn’t wanna go home with us because our wishes weren’t sexy enough.
I went home after breakfast and wasted my Saturday lying in bed hungover. On Sunday, I got some grocery shopping done and cleaned up around the house. It wasn’t until Monday morning that I realized that two whole days had gone by without getting a text from mom claiming she has covid, or mesothelioma. It was a little odd.
I actually started worrying about her because of it, which is kind of ironic. I’m more worried when she isn’t claiming sickness. I was about to call her when my phone started ringing. Maggie was calling from work.
“Hello?”
“Holy shit!” Maggie screamed very loudly.
“Oww! What?”
“Dude I got promoted! Like a good promotion! Like, a promotion I don’t remotely deserve!”
“I’m sure you deserve it!” I said.
“No. I”ve been late at least half the time I’ve worked here. I got caught sleeping at my desk last week and the very same day, I accidentally spilled coffee on my boss.”
“Maybe he liked your moxy?” I laughed.
“Seriously though, this is weird. Maybe it was the guy at the bar.”
“He probably threatened your boss or something. Keep the doors locked.”
“Will do! We gotta celebrate tonight!”
“Don’t you have to work tomorrow morning?” I asked.
“Yep!”
I got off the phone thinking about how weird of a coincidence it was. There is absolutely no way that guy got her a promotion unless he actually knows her boss or something. Maybe he threatened the boss? Maybe he’s a stalker!
Either way, I had to put it to the test, so I went to my mom’s house to see if she had any new undiagnosed ailments. She opened the door looking chipper.
“Hey honey. Are you hungry?” she asked.
“No. Just came for a visit. How’s Grace feeling?”
“She’s still in bed. Poor thing.”
“What about you, mom? Are you feeling okay?”
“Yep! Pretty good actually.”
This was not normal. She was a fiend for pity. There had to be a rash or a cough. Maybe she needed a nudge.
“I just visited my friend in the hospital. She has argyria. It’s crazy. Her skin is turning blue in spots.”
“Oh I hope she’s okay,” mom replied.
“Have you ever seen anything like that?” I asked.
“I don’t think so,” she replied.
It was definitely weird. We chatted a little more before I left. I did some running around that I had been putting off. I got a bunch of errands done.
Several hours had passed, so I stopped back at moms to see if Grace was awake. I couldn’t believe my eyes when mom opened the door. Almost the entire left side of her face was blue. Her cheek and most of her chin had it.
“What is on your face?!” I shouted.
“I’m not sure,” she replied. “It started earlier today. It’s probably nothing.”
I was stunned. Was she messing with me? Maybe her and Maggie knew the guy at the bar and played a prank on me?
“How’s Grace feeling?” I asked.
“Better, I think.”
Grace came out into the living room shortly after that.
“How are ya feelin, kid?”
“Allergies.. I’m sneezing like crazy and my nose won’t stop running,” She said with a sniffle.
Me and Grace talked for a few minutes before I noticed mom begin sniffling. Her nose started turning red, and she started sneezing. It didn’t seem like she was faking it and she wasn’t talking about it. It seemed like she had really gotten whatever Grace was sick with.
Mom excused herself and went into her bedroom. It’s tough to explain just how odd it is for her to feel sick and not make a production of it. Things were not normal. Grace had to see it too.
“Okay, what the hell is going on with mom?” I asked Grace.
“I’ve been asleep most of the day. I don’t really know.”
“She’s turning blue!” I shouted.
“She’s not great at makeup,” Grace replied.
“I’m serious,” I said. “This is weird. That freaky guy at the bar said he could grant us wishes. We assumed he was hitting on us, but Maggie asked for a promotion, and got it the very next day! I asked for mom to not be a hypochondriac..”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“Do you realize what’s happening? Before, anytime someone mentioned an ailment, mom pretended she had it. Now, everytime someone mentions an ailment, she gets it,” I said while questioning my own sanity.
“Let’s test it then,” said Grace.
“What do you mean?”
Grace yelled for mom. After a minute, she came out of her room.
“What is it?” Mom asked.
“I just found out that my friend has jaundice,” Grace cried. “She’s pretty freaked out. Do you know anyone who’s had it before?”
“I don’t think so,” Mom replied. “I hope she’s okay”
Mom walked back to her room with no mention of her own jaundice outbreak.
“See!” I exclaimed. “That isn’t normal! She should be noticing yellow spots on her skin that we can’t see by now!”
“I guess it’s odd,” Grace said. “Do you really think some perv at the bar can grant wishes though?”
“It makes more sense than mom missing an opportunity to claim she contracted a new ailment,” I replied.
Grace thought it was weird but didn’t think much of it. Mom seemed to be in high spirits when she went back to her room. Maybe something got slipped into my drink at the bar, because things seemed off to me.
I was certain when mom came back out to the living room. She asked if we wanted dinner without mentioning anything that might have been worrying her. There was something wrong though. Her skin now had a yellow tint. Her eyes had turned yellow. This was really happening.
We didn’t mention it out loud because we didn’t want to freak her out, but Grace knew that I was serious now. She saw it as clear as I did. We panicked as we went into Grace’s bedroom.
“What the hell do we do!?” I screamed.
“How should I know?!” Grace yelled back.
This was bizarre. It shook my understanding of reality. At least mom wasn’t a hypochondriac anymore. Maybe we could use it for good. Maybe I could tell mom that a friend of mine had a parent who lived comfortably to 150 years old.
We were so freaked out that we didn’t hear Maggie’s car pull up to the house. We were still coming up with theories when I heard the door open. As I walked out of Grace’s room, I saw mom greeting Maggie. I wanted to pull Maggie aside quickly to tell her what was going on. I wasn’t quick enough though..
“Hey honey, how was your day?” Mom asked her.
“Good, but long!” Maggie exclaimed. “Do you have any aspirin? My head’s about to explode.”
….The police won’t let me or Grace go back into the house. They won’t let me leave either.. I swear that this is the truth. Maggie knows it’s true. Grace knows it’s true.. The police don’t seem convinced though..