Most times, I feel alone but I’m used to it already. I’m used to the sound of the construction work nearby invading the privacy of my apartment. I’m used to walking alone in the rain. I’m used to preparing food for myself. I’m used to reading books about embracing loneliness. I’m used to lying to myself that I don’t need a man to call me his because I’m an independent woman and I am just fine by myself.
It’s probably one of those “existential things” I often hear from my peers. I don’t really know how that works, but being alone for most of my adulthood made me question what my purpose in life is. I live alone. No friends. No husband. No one. I had siblings, but we grew apart.
I live alone in an empty, huge apartment. No furniture, no appliances, no colors, no life. The reason for it being huge: I don’t know. Maybe when I was younger, I thought that I could find a guy, love him, marry him, and have a family with him. But I’m in my 40-something already and I haven’t been married to anyone or anything but loneliness. The sinking current of my soul.
I guess it’s a curse. My father cheated on my mother when my siblings and I were younger, and my Aunt (mom’s sister), who believes in astrology and tarot, told me once that karma will come back to bite my father but his children (us) will have to pay the price.
Weirdly, I kind of believed it. My sister’s (youngest) husband cheated on her while she was 15 weeks pregnant. My brother (middle) is in jail for “accidentally” killing his co-worker. And then here I am, the eldest: depressed, empty, and just unhappy with life.
Some people would say that I had the best luck among the three of us. I guess they never understood how it feels like to be alone in this world. No friends. No husband. No one. Just siblings that grew apart.
I am just a lonely person doing the usual humdrum routine. Wakes up early, takes a bath, prepares for work, goes to work, does the same thing in work, goes back home, prepares food for myself, goes to the shower, sleep.
Nothing had given me excitement in life. Even now, here in my apartment, while I’m peeling this egg that I just boiled—
“K, honey, what are you doing? We’re going to be late!”
I turned my head. There was a man. In my apartment. Calling me honey. Who is he? I don’t know him.
“Mom are you okay?” I heard a girl’s voice.
I turned my head to look and saw a teenage girl in a black dress.
I looked at them confusingly. I looked around the apartment and saw how the once empty room was transformed, immediately, into something colorful and prosperous.
“What’s wrong? You’ve been like this for weeks.”
I wanted to cry in shock. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I never had time to process when all of a sudden I blacked out.
The next day, I woke up to the sound of construction work nearby. The apartment is colored, there are the furniture and appliances, the man and the girl are here and I’m still confused.