The baby would cry and cry day and night. I could no longer take care of it. I knew deep inside that I’d never be a good mother for it. But what could I do? I loved it with all my heart.
It… I didn’t even know its gender. I don’t know whether I gave birth to a boy or a girl. But it’s not my fault. No. I was drunk and I… it happened how it happened. And now I have to deal with the consequences of my drunk actions.
That is until my landlord slipped a note under my door with a number on it. He knew the situation I and my child were in.
He was a rather strange man. One would call him a paranoid conspiracy theorist. He had these weird paintings in his hallway. I’d see them whenever the freak would open his front door.
I decided to call the number… It was instructions about how to sell my child for~
That sick bastard~
But wait… maybe… what if this is better for both of us… I… did I even have another choice?
The person that answered my phone called themselves “Mother”.
Mother…
Maybe they’d be a better parent than I ever could be.
I’m referring to Mother as “them” because whoever was on the phone was clearly using some voice-changer or something. It did not sound natural or even human. Although it did have a female voice, no one knows whether it was a human talking.
It sounded “female” I suppose, but… broken? No, deep? No. There was something about it I couldn’t quite fathom.
It gave me a few instructions. A few strange but understandable rules I had to follow to… exchange my kid… for money. Trade.
Sell~
No! I did not sell it. I gave it away into the hands of someone who could raise it in a way I never could.
The money was just merely a bonus. I did want it, yes, but it wasn’t essential for me to do that.
I could have given it to an orphanage, but we all know how difficult life can get there. So, this “method” was much preferred over… an adoption center. Both of us would benefit far more that way.
…
What if~
No! That was the best solution. There was no better way out of that. Enough blabbering about that now.
The rules I mentioned before are the following:
I must admit the rules were quite odd. There was clearly something sketchy going on but I didn’t question it. I should have. Against my better judgment, I decided to thrust the old man and “Mother”…
The day I had to give my baby away finally came. I wish it never did. I wish I had never made that decision.
Because of that verdict, I’m here now.
I followed all the directions that were given to me. I walked all the way alone at night with my baby only in my hands. Not that I had a car or something to travel with. I made sure not to be seen by anyone nor did I tell anyone about the sin I was about to commit. I walked through the freezing forest. A lone woman with her child. How smart. I’ve never been smart. Trusting my lessor should have been thought more thoroughly. I should have known that.
No, I did know that. I was just… too blinded…
At last, after three hours of walking through woodland, having my legs scratched from all the branches lying on the ground, I reached ********. I placed the baby on the ***** and as if I was holding stones, I managed to move myself to the stone mentioned on the phone.
The stone which hid the means for my better life and future.
I removed the dollars stored there, my hands feeling like they got stabbed by dozens of glacial needles even more after I touched it.
I moved back to the way I came from… together with Hope.
Hope.
I remembered how much I screamed while I tried to bring her into this world. I don’t remember it hurting as much as other women describe it. I don’t remember feeling any pain at all. It’s as if it was never really there.
What I can recall though is how happy I was the first time I held Hope. It was covered in blood, disgusting, but isn’t that how every child of us is born? Wasn’t that us at some point in our lives?
I thought of how I bonded with my newborn. That eternal bond between a mother and her baby.
I looked back at the first time it smiled. I was playing peek-a-boo with Hope. Its grin was so cute and pretty!
I wondered if its new family would make it beam like that too. Would they love it as much as I do? Would they be able to take care of it better than I am? Would they make it happy? Will Hope be safe with them?
I abandoned Hope in the middle of nowhere to some random freaks whose number I got from my freak proprietor…
…
What have I done?
Hope…
Hope!?
I could feel my feet burning as I started back to the *****. I had to take my baby back. I promised I’d protect her at all costs. They can have their stupid money back - I don’t need it. The only thing I needed was to be with her.
I think it’s a “her”. I don’t know!
My baby was still there and its cries pierced my eardrums like a knife. Of course, it was crying, how could it not? It was chilling outside. It was a night in the middle of November.
My, what I assumed to be a girl, was secure now. With me. I’d never desert her like that ever again. No good mother would ever do that. And I vowed to be a good mother as much as humanly possible.
When we reached our home, I hugged her the same way I first saw her.
And that was the moment I realized something was amiss. She felt… hard. It’s as if I was holding onto a stone. No, a stone would be too heavy. Porzellan. It weighed like porcelain. What was wrong with my baby?
The way my heart dropped when I looked at what I was expecting to be Hope… Good God just how much it hurt.
That wasn’t Hope I was holding in my hands - it was a vintage doll made out of porcelain!
The sound of glass shattering touched my ears as it hit the ground, leaving my hands. The sound… The realization… My knees felt weak as I sat down and started vailing my lungs out. The pain was too much for me to stay silent through. The pain was as if part of my heart was torn away from me. Stolen…
The same old man who I got the number from came rushing through the door. Of course, he had a spare key with him, as if he couldn’t get more horrifying.
“What is it, girl? What happened?”
I saw him take a look at the shattered porcelain I was sitting next to on the ground.
“No… you broke the most important rule of all, didn’t you?
Now you’ve been lost as well…”
After that, the only thing I could remember is… darkness. The void had swallowed me. After which I woke up here, in this white room. Locked away from the world. Away from my baby…
I try to warn others not to call “Mother”, for it’s not worth it. It’s not worth trusting the freak landlord, for they’ll lose their babies too…
And not just their babies, but themselves as well.
…
I can hear her.
The sound of my baby crying couldn’t leave my head.
“Mommy, come and save me.
Mummy, Mother wants to hurt me~”
After which giggles fill my mind.
My head. Not ears. The doctors are telling me that they’re not real, that I’ve gone crazy. They say that they’re not real. But I know that they are. I think that they are.
They’re saying that I never had a child in the first place. They’re saying that because Hope never had a birth certificate. The landlord claims I never had a child too. That piece of~
Everyone says that I’m just unwell. And I know that I’m not well. But I also know what happened. I saw it happen with my own eyes. Shame that no one believes me. No one will listen to my warnings…
I know I gave birth to Hope. I know it!
My Hope… I gave her that name because I thought she was a way for a better future and life for both of us… And she was. She was my motivation to get my life together, it’s just that it was too late…
It was too late because I had ditched her to this “Mother” for money.
What I did makes me feel as if ember has been put where my heart was supposed to be.
I tried to get her back, and I tried to fix everything… but it was too late. It was both too late for me and for Hope. There was no hope anymore for either of us. There is no one to believe us, no one to save us.
When the sun goes down and I have to sleep, I see “Mother” holding my Hope… and I can tell my child is not happy. Not at all. And I can’t do anything. There is nothing that I can do. There is no way for me to rescue my child…
Good God, what have I done?
I pray that someday somebody will pull her away from that monster. I truly pray.
But I doubt that there will be.
I’m convinced that the freak landlord is waiting for his next victim, waiting for the opportunity to find a poor mother who cannot keep her child and make her give it away for “Mother” to take care of it in exchange for… some money. How disgusting. A mother just like me… one that can and will never be a good one…
Don’t trust the freaky lessor nor any entity “Mother”, is the only thing I can tell you. Please, believe in my story. I’m writing this from a phone I stole from one of the psychiatry nurses and I don’t have much time.
Also if you can, please someone save Hope. I don’t care about myself but save my baby. I’m begging you…