(TRIGGER WARNING. MENTIONING OF SA AND CP)
To start off I am a 21 year old female and I’m not good at telling stories so sorry if its all over the place. All these events I’m going to tell you were from the age of 15-18. I started high school in 2016, and lived in Los Angeles at the time. Which i have a lot of stores from living in that city. I was very quiet reserved person unless you were my friends who would describe me as bubbly and caring. At the time I was also dealing with the fact I was sexually abused by a relative before starting high school over the summer break after 8th grade but that’s another story on its own. I have developed PTSD along with depression, anxiety and was in therapy for 5 years. I plan on going back due to the fact I still get flash backs and have panic attacks. I tried to end it all a couple of times due to feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone about anything and feeling like I had no support even from my ex boyfriend who would say he was always there for me and tried helping me, but in reality he made it worse.
I met my first boyfriend my freshman year when I was 15. He was a sophomore at the time, and his name was Kurtis with a K. At first I thought he was annoying and wanted nothing to do with him, but eventually I grew feelings for him. He was into the same music as me, liked anime like me, had the same style, and we both liked to draw. I thought he was really funny and he alway made me laugh and seemed to genuinely love me. I was with him for 3 and half years which was all of high school for me. Now the more I stayed with him the more I saw how he really was, and despite that, I didn’t want him to leave me. Maybe it was due to my trauma, but I really didn’t want him out of my life, and craved the attention he was giving me due to feeling very lonely and suicidal.
Kurtis and I also shared the same type of trauma so we were both broken and needed each other, however it seemed he took all his anger, frustration, and fantasies out on me. I think he wanted to feel he was in power due to his trauma, but why to someone who loved you and knew how you felt? Our relationship was sweet and everything you expect from young kids. His friends eventually became my friends and I was happy for a while, but with all his friends being guys he showed just how jealous he would get. He would get mad when I hugged a friends or when I would say I love them which I did. I loved all my friends. He made me not want to wear skirts anymore because supposedly I was showing his friends whats up my skirt when that wasn’t true at all. I couldnt wear certain things because i had big breasts even if it was barely showing, so i wore hoodies a lot.
He would even get really mad and give me crap when I liked a celebrity so i couldnt talk about any show or movie i liked, or if i talked about a guy friend i had that he didnt know and i would tell him something this friend did or said I thought was funny. He would then respond “I dont care” or “I’ll kill him”. This always annoyed me so i wouldnt tell him anything about my friends that werent his. I felt like I couldn’t join plays because if I had to kiss someone I was betraying him.
Eventually we broke up but we were still acting like a couple, but I took this opportunity to join the play my high school was putting on. I had got the female lead. Now during this time of rehearsals we had got back together, this was due to the fact he wanted to kill himself so I felt like I needed to get back with him and dated him for 2 more years despite not wanting to. Now he knew I was in the play but didn’t want to see me perform because I had to kiss someone. I practically begged him to go because I wanted him to see how good and how hard well all worked on this play. He yelled at me and called me selfish and stupid. How dare I want him to go see me fake kiss another guy. Two of his friends ended up coming. They even gave me flowers which made me cry due to me really wanting him there and also due to them being there for me. They said I was amazing.
Now due to this fake kiss to my costar he began to resent him. Wanted to fight him and would get very angry when he would see him walking to class.
His name was Luis and was really nice and supportive to me when kurtis would make me cry and made me feel horrible for joining the play. Even Luis’s girlfriend supportive and she wasn’t mad we had to kiss because she knew it was all fake. I will say doing the plays was the best thing I’ve ever done and it helped me become more confident in myself.
That’s only a fraction of the inconvenience he’s done and said to me. Other stuff he would do was make me feel bad and pressure me into having sex with him. This I would give in. Due to the trauma I endured I felt like I couldn’t say no. Everytime we did it I would have panic attacks and he would still want to continue and I let him. I had a lot of intercourse with him when I was 15 which I don’t think any 15 year old should be doing. As I got older I stopped letting him touch me and didn’t really let him kiss me, and I eventually started saying no to him. Which would make him mad and ignore me. Even some of his friends stopped being his friends because of how he was to me, and they would try to tell me to leave him but I wouldn’t listen. I was young and dumb.
He also had a heavy porn addiction and was heavily into stuff to do with the butt to put it lightly. He would always try to pressure me to do that but I will alwaya say that was something that I would never do. He would then get all upset and ask me “come on you wouldn’t even think about doing that” I would then get mad and tell him no. He would then get all quiet and ignore me. This would really upset and ignore me. He would always grab my butt even in school in front of everyone which made me and friends uncomfortable. I would tell him to stop but he would still do it anyways even when one of his friends would tell him to stop. He would even tell people about what we would do in his bedroom which made his friends mad and my friends mad because they don’t want to hear that stuff and don’t like he was exposing me to people like that.
He also was really fond of my best friend named Arleth, but I never let that bother me because I knew he was my boyfriend, and he wouldn’t try anything. Which he didnt he just had fantasies. She didnt like him much either. In fact she didnt really hang out with me when i was with him, but she was still my best friend. He would even have nudes of other girls on his phone that his online friends that were girls would send him but I still ignored it. He would also randomly send me pictures of his junk even when I never asked for it. Which would also annoy and get me upset. He would also get mad at me when I didn’t want to preform oral on him. Which I never did due to trauma which I told him and he would still get mad, and ask me. Despite us sharing trauma and him knowing what happened to me he would still pressure me to do sexual acts even though I would cry about it. He would also still stay aroused even while I was having a panic attack.
Another thing he had on his phone was a lot of hentai which for those who don’t know is anime porn. A lot of those were of child like girls. He was seriously obsessed with one anime character named Rem from re:zero. He seriously wanted to do stuff to her and she was fictional. It was really weird. Most of his hentai was of her.
Now I will say the worse of the porn he had on his phone was child. Like actual children. I don’t even know how he got it or where he got it from, but he had it and he showed me it. I saw CP when I was 15 a child myself. Not mention the video he showed me the little girl looked like me but younger. I was stunned I didn’t say anything I just stared. Then he closed the video, and laughed thinking it was funny.I didn’t say anything about it I just looked at him and told him I need to be walked home now because my mom wanted me home already. He said alright, kissed me and held my hand while we walked home. I instantly blocked the video out of my mind. I recently had a panic attack about the fact I saw that, and never told anyone about it till I was was 21.
I eventually broke up with him again when I was 18 almost 19. This was the final break up and I finally wanted to break off with him and didn’t want anything to do with him because he stopped hanging out with me and barely texted me, so I said what’s the point in dating if you’re not hanging out with me. The last few months of our relationship was like that. Which i found was a good excuse to finally leave him. He said he didn’t want to break up but I said I did and we were done. He said let’s still be friends and I said sure. That didn’t last long which I’m glad it didn’t. I knew he was a bad person but I found out more from his old friends who are still my friends the stuff he would say about me.
One of his old friends who is my best friend now told me he would tell him how when I cried and got upset it would turn him on. Which made sense now because he was always seem to make me cry. Little did I know it was getting him off. He also told me that Kurtis told him he wanted to have a 3 some with me and my girl best friend, and how he wanted to fondle her breasts, how he wanted me to urinate on him and him on me. How he would complain to him that I didn’t love him because I stopped having sex with him. Gee I wonder why. How I wouldn’t do oral to him. All this made my friend mad and he told him to stop and how I’m his girlfriend and he should treat me nicer and respect me and be patient with me since I’m dealing with trauma. Kurtis then changed the subject. Thats all my friend told me because eventually he stopped telling him stuff about me he would tell another guy naned david stuff instead and say it in different room because he knew my friend who’s name is Cesar would get upset.
Eventually Cesar stopped being his friend and looked after me like a big brother since he was 2 years older than me. Cesar and my current boyfriend get along very well, and I’m glad he’s still my friend. We all plan on living together. I’m glad the man I have now is patient with me, and I’ve never had a panic attack when him and I get intimate. His name is Eddie and I love him dearly along with the dog we adopted who helps me with my depression and PTSD. I’m glad I found someone who actually makes me feel safe and isn’t a jealous, manipulative Borderline Predator.
I don’t know how kurtis is doing now the last I heard he has another gf who I hope he’s not putting her through and forcing her to do stuff like he did me. I don’t want anything to do with him other than an apology, but even then I know he won’t he’ll just act all sad and say something like I know. Due to him I have some trust issues and need reassurance as well as get afraid to ask my now partner for certain things but he understands and actually makes me feel loved. He also wants to beat the shit out of kurtis. I’m still suicidal and depressed and my trauma still effects me but Eddie my love and our fur baby Kenai along with my friend Cesar really help me and one day I’ll have the courage to go back to therapy. Now those reading you can call me stupid all you want but I was child dealing with a lot of stuff so spare me the comments and insults also kurtis get help you pervy ass hole. Sorry it was so long.