You can say I’m a pretty odd and hard to read kid. Nobody understands me as well as my friend Howie does. He hasn’t changed much compared to me, who changes like the wind. His light brown hair that always looks wet, like he had just gone swimming, his hands that are always freezing cold, and his crooked smile that shows his missing tooth he knocked out playing kickball. Howie’s as much a part of me as I am of him. Most people are nice to Howie and me, but my mom doesn’t really like him. “Jamie,” she said this morning, as I got two bowls of cereal and rushed up to my room, where Howie waited for me. “You don’t have to do this anymore. Howie isn’t real.”
I just shook my head. Mom had told me this a million times. She never really understood, like everyone else. I couldn’t forget Howie. Even if I wanted to.
I heard her long, exasperated sigh as I shut the door.
I normally stay in my room for most of the day. Howie likes it best there. He doesn’t like me talking to other people. There’s a lot of things he doesn’t like me doing, and sometimes I wish he would leave me alone. But I can’t leave him. Leaving him would be closing a chapter of my life story, never to open it again.
We sat down in our favourite spot, a dark corner of my room, and whispered to each other until my mom knocked on my door again. I didn’t realize it had been a whole day.
“Jamie, please come down for dinner. It’s getting late.” She said. I could hear the desperation in her voice. I hadn’t eaten dinner with her since it happened. The thing. The thing I hate remembering.
Howie grabbed my arm and shook his head.
“Don’t go with her. Stay here with me.”
I thought about it. I wanted to eat with her, I really did. But I couldn’t leave Howie. I needed to stay with him. I looked to the door, then back at Howie. His face contorted into a snarl.
“Jamie? Are you going to come down?” My mom asked expectantly.
“You better not go with her.” Howie warned.
My eyes welled up with tears.
“Jamie? Come on, let’s go.” I heard my mom opening the door.
“No.” I managed to say.
With that my mom stopped turning the doorknob and trudged away. It was like the floor was covered in molasses, slowing her footsteps as she went back downstairs.
Howie’s face curled into a smile again.
“Good, good. Now we can talk more.” He said.
We talked until mom knocked on my door again.
“Can I come in, Jamie?”
Howie shook his head.
“Tell me from the other side of the door.” I told her.
She sighed again.
“Jamie, this is getting carried away. The whole Howie thing. You’re getting too old for this. I’ve been in touch with a therapist, and she says to meet with her tomorrow.”
This time I didn’t look to Howie. I knew there was no point in arguing.
“Okay, fine.” I said. “But it better be quick.”
The next day I got dressed in clothes other than pyjamas and sweatpants for the first time in a while, and mom drove me to a building that looked as if it had been there since the cavemen times.
She knocked on the door, and a lady with blonde hair that was pulled back in a tight ponytail answered.
“Why, hello Ms. Brown!” She said, and shook my mom’s hand. She looked at me.
“And is this James Brown?” She had fake enthusiasm in her voice.
“Jamie…” I mumbled.
“Pardon me?”
“He prefers to go by Jamie. Jamie, this is…” I didn’t bother listening to my mom.
The lady who I didn’t bother learning the name of lead me into a room painted in bright colours and decorated with things that were supposed to make me laugh.
“So, Jamie, tell me more about this imaginary friend Howie you have.” She said.
“He’s not imaginary.” I grumbled.
“Okay. Tell me about this friend you have.” She corrected herself .
“I don’t know.”
“Well, how did you meet?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you like to do with him?”
This time I didn’t bother taking. I just grunted.
“How old is Howie?”
The lady I didn’t bother learning the name of confused me. Why wasn’t she getting angry? I wanted her to be angry. Normally if I did this another grown-up they’d be screaming at me in no time. I figured I wasn’t going to get anything out of her, so I told her a bit about Howie, something I hadn’t done to anyone.
“Alright, Jamie. Thank you for telling me this. It seems like you’re ready to forget about Howie and move on from him. Try not to talk to him or think about him until you see me again, in a few days. Do you promise that you’ll try? For me?” The lady I didn’t bother learning the name of asked.
I thought about it. I liked this lady. She was nice and had pretty hair and smelled like strawberries. But I couldn’t leave Howie. Not after everything we had done together. I wanted to stay with him. But I liked the lady I didn’t bother learning the name of too much to say no.
“I can try.” I told her.
She smiled. She had a nice smile. “Great! That’s all I ask.”
I sat in the waiting room while my mom talked with the lady.
“Jamie was great today, Ms. Brown. He even told me a bit about…”
I stopped listening after that. They were talking about the thing I hate remembering.
On our drive home, my mom started talking to me.
“So how was your session with Valerie?” She asked as she pulled into our driveway.
“Who?”
“The therapist.”
She must’ve seen the look on my face, so she added, “the lady you were talking with today.”
Oh. So that was her name.
When we got home, for the first time in a while I didn’t go directly to Howie. I played Mario Kart until I realized I should tell Howie we couldn’t be friends anymore.
“What do you mean!?” Howie exclaimed when I told him the news.
“Look, I-I’m sorry, okay? It’s just that my mom says I should let you go. And the other lady.” I had already forgotten her name.
“Who? They don’t know anything. You should stay with me because I know you better.”
“I want to, Howie, I really do. But I don’t think I should.”
He scowled. “Fine. But stay here until tomorrow.”
“Sorry, Howie. It’s dinner soon. And mom’s making tacos tonight.”
His scowl got more threatening and scarier. “No! You’re staying here with me, okay? I don’t even care if you-”
I didn’t have the chance to listen to what he said, because I had already closed my bedroom door and was halfway down the hall.
When I went upstairs at bedtime, I didn’t even stay up at all to talk to Howie. Mom and the lady were right. It was time. As I drifted off to sleep, for the first time in a while I wasn’t worried about Howie.
I was awoken late at night by Howie shaking me violently.
“Jamie? Jamie! Wake up.”
“Huh? What time is it?” I grumbled.
“That doesn’t matter. Come with me. I know a way where we can be together forever.”
Forever? I don’t know how I felt about that. But I couldn’t make Howie sad. As much as I wanted to move on, I just couldn’t.
“Okay. Fine. As long as I can still see mom and the other lady if we’re together forever. She’s expecting me to come to her office twice a week.” I said, parroting what my mom told me.
Instead of answering, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of my room towards the back door,
“Can’t we be together forever inside?” I asked.
“If we did that then your mom might wake up and stop it. We need to do it secretly.”
It wasn’t a very warm and peaceful night. It was a chilly November night, and my red button-up pyjamas weren’t enough to shield me from the crisp air that nipped
at my ears and nose.
Howie didn’t let go of my arm for a while.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”
We kept walking until we went somewhere eerily familiar, Al-Moat Lake. The mist that covered the water like a blanket made it even creepier than normal. Howie led me to a bridge, and we stopped, peering down at the icy waters below.
“That’s a long way down.” I remarked.
He nodded. “That’s the point. If you jump down there, we can be together forever.”
“What!? Are you crazy? I’m not jumping down there, I’ll die!”
“Oh, come on, Jamie, don’t be such a baby. Don’t you want to stay with me? If you jump, then we can stay friends. Your ma won’t nag you about me anymore, and we can be together forever.”
“No, no, no!” I’m not doing this!”
It was then I remembered. The thing.
Two years ago. Summer barbecue at Al-Moat Lake, with Howie’s family.
No, no. Stop it, I don’t want to think about it!
Swimming with Howie while his dad cooked some hot dogs.
I started to cry.
“I betcha I can swim across the lake faster than you, Jamie.”
I closed my eyes and plugged my ears, hoping that it would make my thoughts go away.
“Oh, you’re on.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
His crooked and toothless grin the last thing I saw before jumping into the frigid water, splashing and swimming, all happening in a blur. Looking back at the lake triumphantly when I reached the end before Howie.
I screamed. Maybe that would drown out the sounds of my own thoughts.
Seeing nothing but Howie’s light brown hair plunge into the darkness of the lake, not coming back up.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Diving back into the water, not being able to see a thing. Feeling around until I found something that felt like him. Trying to pull him up by his hair because that was all I could grab. It was too wet. His light brown hair fell from my hands and he sank back down. Trying to grab his freezing cold hands, to no avail.
I looked to Howie, tears filling in my eyes.
The sound of the ambulance sirens. Everyone on the beach crowding around. The taste of salty tears falling into my mouth. Falling onto the rough sand on Al-Moat Lake, the tiny rocks clinging to my wet hands and knees. The hoarse feeling in my voice from shouting Howie’s name too many times. Howie’s lifeless body being dragged out of the lake by the paramedics.
I looked back down to Lovat Lake. It was all coming back to me now.
“You did everything you could, Jamie.”
“It’s not your fault, Jamie.”
“We don’t blame you at all, Jamie.”
“He won’t come back, Jamie.”
“Howard Wright is dead, okay? He’ll never come back. He’s gone, Jamie. Gone, gone, gone. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on with your miserable life.”
I remembered. Howie was dead. He wasn’t real.
“Jamie?” He asked.
I looked at him again, my eyes previously filled with tears now filled with rage and betrayal.
“Go away Howie.”
“Jamie, don’t you want to be together forever? If you just-“
“No! Leave, Howie! You’re not real! Leave me alone!” I was full-on screaming now. Howie was dead. This wasn’t him. He wasn’t real.
“Well, if you’re not going to do it,” Howie said, “I’ll do it for you!” He ran towards me, and I just barely dodged him. If I wasn’t as agile as I am, I would’ve fallen into the lake.
Then I ran. I ran and didn’t look back. I knew he was chasing me.
“Come back Jamie! You’ll never find anyone who knows you like I do!” I heard him.
“You’re! Not! Real!” I wasn’t saying it to him, I was saying it to myself.
I ran faster than I ever have. A car honked at me. It almost hit me. I didn’t stop running. I had to get back home. Home to mom. To safety. Away from Howie.
The wind pushed against my face, trying to stop me, but I prevailed.
I didn’t stop until I reached my front porch, where all was silent. My mom was asleep. I didn’t want to worry her, so I tried to stay as quiet as possible as I went to the kitchen to get some water. I knew if she found out where I was, she’d kill me.
The cool ice water felt nice as it slid down my dry, parched throat.
I snuck over to my room, where I dragged a box from under my bed out. I opened it and took out the picture that lay neatly on top of the other things inside.
It was a picture of Howie, the real Howie, and me. I hid it in this box two years ago, when it hurt too much to look at. But now, I wasn’t scared anymore. I was ready to move on. Carefully, I placed the picture on my bedside table and laid in my bed, looking at it as I drifted off.
Goodbye, Howie. I thought, falling asleep.