This is a personal torture that I have to suffer through night after night.
My entire life I’ve been prone to nightmares, really graphic and gruesome ones. I’ll go through periods lasting 2-3 weeks where I’ll have nightmares every other night and because of that I loose a lot of sleep, but I’ve learned to cope with it. None of the nightmares are repeating, all except for one.
It always starts like a normal dream of nonsense and fuzzy edges, people I care for nearby at some event or playing some game- no matter.
Then it Starts.
I’ll eventually notice that the environment is fundamentally wrong. A house I’ve walked through a thousand time having an extra room with corresponding contents from a different home I had seen the inside of, an opening in a hallway leading to another room in the wrong spot. Little things like that that one wouldn’t normally notice or hold onto in a dream.
It’ll confuse me and make me look for other things out of place, I’ll notice the fuzzy edges, the distorted windows, the fact that it’s pitch black when I look outside but as soon as I step through a door the sun is high in the sky.
In the dream, I’ll turn and look at the person I had been with. Usually a significant other, but I’ve seen friends and family as well.
I’ll ask them if I’m awake and they always give me a soft, warm smile and say “of course, you are.”
I never believe them. For what seems like hours I’ll run through distorted room after distorted room, looking for an exit to the location I’m in. Then I’ll ask again.
“Am I awake?”
A slightly less warm smile “yes, sweetheart. You’re awake.”
I don’t believe them so I pinch myself to try and wake up, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried this- but it takes a ridiculous amount of force to actually feel a pinch while you’re dreaming.
Then I’ll wake up.
I’ll turn and ask them, “am I awake?”
An eye roll and fond smile. “Yes. You’re awake.”
It still doesn’t sit right.
A sure fire way for me to know if I’m awake or not is to try and send a text message, if I’m dreaming I never get a reply, if I’m awake the person will respond. I have a few people who know the drill and will respond ASAP if they get that text from me.
The cycle of waking up and asking the other person if I’m actually awake continues a few times with them getting increasingly exasperated. This cycle is distressing- not being able to wake up when you know you’re dreaming is one thing- but to continuously wake up again and again only to find you’re still in a dream is torture.
And then it gets worse.
Eventually I get tired of the cycle and disheartened. I’ve tried everything and I still can’t wake up, pinching, going to sleep in the dream, I’ve even tried to pee just to get out of the fucking dream.
Eventually my person gets tired too.
“Am I awake?”
“No.”
“What do I do?! I want to wake up, I don’t want to be asleep anymore!”
I remember this next part with a chilling clarity. I looked up from the floor where I had collapsed into tears to my ex, he was standing above me with a fucking shotgun.
For context, this ex in particular had been the one that taught me what a healthy relationship is. He was a gentleman, kind, soft spoken, well liked, intelligent and driven. I loved him for the good person he was. Arguments were discussions and concluded peacefully, I had never known him to be violent or prone to anger. I had never been afraid of him.
“Well.” He intoned with a cold, casual indifference. “Have you tried dying?”
I don’t look at death the way most people do, I’m not afraid of it. I don’t go looking for it but I wouldn’t fight it either.
This seemed like a logical next step to sleeping me. I needed to shock my system, produce adrenaline and kick my heart into overdrive to finally wake up once and for all.
So I stood up with my back against the wall while my ex leveled the gun at my head. As I stared down the barrel I sucked in a shuddering breath and asked “Will it hurt?”
I didn’t catch his reply over the sound of the gun firing.
I very clearly remember how it felt to have a shotgun fire directly into my skull at point blank range. It didn’t hurt, it was way too fast to hurt but God the pressure and the sound is what got to me. It was so percussive, like how it feels to stand behind a running jet engine but inside your head, the crushing g-force of an airplane when it initially lifts from the pavement during takeoff. Like how a snare drum sounds but it’s one all encompassing hit inside your skull.
I woke up in the dream again.
Next he suggested a slower method while brandishing a filet knife.
The dream again.
“Maybe it has to be you.” He says while pressing a handgun into my palm.
Again.
“Maybe you’re just too desensitized to death and pain.. We need a new shock factor.”
What? Desensitized? I’ve never died before. Shock factor? The person I trust is killing me over and over again.
He opens a door I didn’t know was there and three men in masks walk in with those stupid fluffy cuffs you see in sitcoms.
I looked at him confused, this wasn’t a favorable or comfortable situation by any means but how is this worse than what had already been done? I can just disassociate. I’ve done it before.
He shot me a sick grin. “Don’t worry, you’ll still die.”
My stomach dropped.
I’ll spare you the details- but I woke up in the dream again.
I gave up. I didn’t care about waking up anymore, the last attempt was too much. I just wanted to sit quietly and wait for my alarm to go off and wake me up for work.
He didn’t like that.
“You want to wake up, don’t you?”
“Come on there’s so many other things we haven’t tried!”
“I’m trying to help you”
At first I tried to walk away, but as soon as I turned my back he took a knife and slit my throat.
Again.
It turned into a hunt.
Again and again and again and again and again.
I finally, actually, really woke up to my dog pawing at me in my sleep. I hadn’t shifted much from when I initially went to bed the night before- nothing was different. I immediately snatched up my phone and texted my coworker, asking if I was on the schedule for that day even though I knew I was.
Two minutes later I got a reply.
I got up, shook off the nightmare as best as I could and went about my day- but I definitely looked at my ex differently from then on.
Three months later, we were having a rough patch and an argument had escalated way beyond logical thinking or clear communication. In a fit of rage, my ex broke my wrist.
That was a catalyst for the most abusive relationship I had ever escaped.
Ever since then I’ve immediately cut off anyone that appears in the recurring nightmare. I don’t talk to my sister anymore because after she appeared I noticed her begin to trend towards more angry and violent- not to me but like slamming her fists against walls and tables when she was frustrated. I didn’t want to take a chance. I moved out when my roommate punched a wall after I had the dream because my cat used his back as a springboard.
I don’t know where the warnings are coming from, I don’t know if it’s intuition or some outside force. All I know is I’m tired and afraid to let people get too close.