I’m not sure exactly how it happened but for the past week my penis has been acting very strange. And by strange I mean it has been talking to me. Please believe me, it’s not my imagination, I don’t do drugs and rarely touch alcohol. It really is talking to me.
I first heard it one morning as I was laying in bed , slowly waking up, preparing for another day at work. I don’t have an exciting life, I’ve been single for many years, work at an office and have few close friends.
“Hey!” I heard a voice say as I rubbed my eyes to rid myself of the sleep dust (I’m not sure what it’s called but that’s what I’ve always known it as since I was a child).
I thought I must have imagined it until I heard the voice again , “ Hey, I’m hungry, you need to feed me.”
I sat up and looked around confused. There was no one else in my room , it has been many years since anyone had shared a room with me and I thought I must still be half asleep dreaming.
I got out of bed to go to the loo and as I stood over the toilet , penis in hand , I heard the voice again, “Hey don’t grip so hard!”
I knew I wasn’t imagining it this time and fell over in shock when I looked down and saw the urethra at the tip of my penis moving like a set of lips as it spoke to me in a soft but firm voice.
“Have a piss then I need feeding”
Now as you can imagine I didn’t know exactly what it meant. Did my penis want me to give it a bowl of cheerios?
I stood back up and emptied my bladder then feeling mixed emotions of shock, confusion and fear amongst others I sat back in my bed and stuttered , “w..w..w…what do you eat?
I’ll skip ahead to after what can be described as a very surreal conversation with my manhood and it transpired that my penis required sex once a day , every day. Nothing strange, it didn’t want to eat people or harm anyone. It just wanted sex to sate its hunger.
Ok , this was very weird and I didn’t know what to do but unless I wanted Percy ( I’d called it Percy as it feels more normal to talk to something if it has a name) to keep yelling “feed me!” I had better feed him.
I got washed and dressed and thought about what I was going to do about feeding Percy. I must tell you I haven’t had very much luck with the ladies and I’m no Brad Pitt or whoever is considered a hunk these days.
Percy was again telling me he needed feeding and I explained my dilemma and said I was thinking what to do. I told him I had to go to work then we would feed him after. That would give me time to think a bit too. Percy wasn’t too happy and grumbled he was hungry now but I told him he would have to wait.
Work was as dull as ever, looking other spreadsheets, reading emails, the usual office monotony. Percy occasionally grumbled he was hungry but fortunately no one else heard him. At around 5pm he really started complaining and I told him to be quiet as my boss was approaching. “Can I have a few minutes with you to go through the Maxwell account?” asked Mike, my boss.
“feed me!” growled Percy
“Excuse me?” replied Mike
“Sorry sir, it was just my tummy rumbling, I skipped lunch today” I spluttered.
“Ok pop into my office and I’ll get the files out, I’d like your thoughts on a few things” said Mike and he turned to walk back to his office.
I stood up to follow him when suddenly I felt a hot stream down my leg. I was urinating all down my trousers. A puddle of piss was forming under my desk.
“Feed me, Feed me , Feed me” Percy growled in between spurts of wee.
I couldn’t go see Mike like this so I grabbed my jacket and ran out the office , stopping only for a second to tell the secretary to tell Mike I had a sudden bout of stomach illness and had to rush off.
I got home quickly and started shouting at Percy telling him how much trouble he had caused me now. His response? “Feed me!!!
How did I feed Percy that day? I’m a bit ashamed to tell you I resorted to hiring an escort. However after a day starting by finding my penis talking to me there were much worse ways to finish the day than having sex with Crystal and from her reactions it seems Percy can not only talk now but knows a few new tricks to satisfy the ladies.
Anyway she took her money and left and Percy was quiet for the rest of the evening.
I didn’t hear from him again until the morning as I was brushing my teeth. “FEED ME!” he bellowed “And don’t take so long about it today or I’ll do more than make you piss your trousers.”
I’ve got to go now as Percy is demanding his feed, I don’t want to keep him waiting. He’s growing more impatient every day.
I don’t know how long I can keep paying Crystal for sex until my savings run out. I’ve joined Tinder so hopefully I’ll get some matches.
I’m determined to find out what’s possessed my Penis and I’ll keep you updated with what I discover. He’s really starting to scare me with some of the things he’s threatening to do if I don’t feed him.
Edit: Thank you for all your suggestions , ideas and comments of support, I will post an update once I’ve processed all that’s been happening.
Edit: update in comments