It all started on a usual Friday, I ordered a pizza to celebrate the start of the weekend. I live alone, but I always order the biggest size possible and it usually takes me a day or two to eat the entire pizza.
On Saturday, I received a visit from some friends. We got together to drink while we talked about the week, leaving some clips playing in the background on YouTube autoplay. A video that had a possession started playing, and Alex, a friend of mine, said:
“You know this possession shit is real, right?”
“You must have gone to a church and been tricked by an “actress” singing Shakira and saying she was possessed by a demon.”
“No, it was at my cousin’s house, about 4 years ago. We did a ritual to summon a spirit, and my cousin started imitating a horse. He rode around the room on all fours, even kicked the television.”
“It´s easy to imitate a horse.”
“It wasn’t an act! He is still in a mental hospital to this day, neighing while walking on all fours all day.”
“Dude, I bet you 100 bucks that it’s impossible for a ritual like that to work.”
“I won’t do that ritual again, not even for a million bucks.”
“You’re full of shit, man, come on, tell us how to do it.
“Fine. I warned you, and you still want to do it. I won´t bet anything though, I’ll leave.”
“I can bet!” Another friend of the group, Julio, spoke up. “I’ve seen a possession already and I’m willing to risk 100 bucks to see it happen again.”
Alex instructed the ritual step by step, and then left. He really believed that it would work.
We did everything as recommended: unknown words, blood, strange dances, candles, etc.
Nothing happened. I won the 100 bucks from Julio, and my friends left a few minutes later, after all, there were no more beers.
I lay down on the bed to sleep, the ceiling spinning from too much alcohol. “I’m going to eat a piece of pizza, drink water and take a shower”, I thought as I got up from the torturous spiral of my rest.
I walked to the pizza box, placed inside the closet so that none of my friends would steal my glorious weekend food. When I touched the box, it moved. “Oh, fuck, some rat came in and ate my pizza, again. I need to adopt a cat.” I opened the box slowly, afraid of what I would see. To my surprise, there was nothing strange, just the rest of the pizza. I tried to grab a piece, but a searing pain made me pull my hand away. I looked at the reason: half of my little finger had been cut off. Like ketchup seasoning a pizza, blood flew onto the dough. Trying to understand the situation, I was surprised by a thick and imposing voice:
“Hmm! That’s delicious.”
I looked down, the Pizza was talking to me. The cheese moved, and the opening looked like an infinite portal, small sharp teeth decorating the corners.
“You’re very tasty! Here! Spill a little more blood for me.”
I kicked the box and the Pizza fell to the floor, but immediately got up. I kicked it, but it caught my foot and started chewing on my big toe. I pulled my leg with all my strength, and blood splashed across the walls of the room from the new mutilation. I ran, limping, but I slipped without being able to steady my foot, I wasn’t used to not having my big toe. When I fell, I hit my head and was stunned by the impact. The adrenaline from the life-or-death situation even cured me of my drunkenness, but the blow left me immobile, unable to react. I noticed the Pizza approaching and tried to get up, but I slipped on my own blood again and fell into a sitting position.
I accepted death after such a pathetic escape attempt. The Pizza licked the blood off the floor, and then it started running up my leg, stopping at my chest, right next to my face.
“A warm and fresh human is the best thing ever! If even your toe was that good, I can´t even imagine how delicious your brain or your heart will be. It must be divine! I’m almost full, I think I’ll finish with your face and your gray matter.”
The cheese moved revealing the portal/mouth and the small but very sharp teeth as it slowly approached my face. I tried to argue:
“Wait!!! If you bite my face, I’ll die, and then I’ll rot quickly, and you said you’re almost full, right? You’ll waste the rest of my body.”
“Aaaaaaand? Aren’t there like billions of humans in the world? Tomorrow I’ll just go next door when I’m hungry again.”
“Do you want to keep licking blood off the floor? Eating dirty, smelly fingers? Wouldn’t you rather have a well-groomed, clean, human on a plate?”
“Hmmmmmm… yeah… I really licked dirt along with your blood, it would be better if it was clean juice. Speaking of it, give me some more of this tasty reddish delicacy.”
The Pizza pointed to my hand with the severed finger. I obeyed the gesture and he drank my blood, but without mutilating me any further.
“Look, I need to go to the hospital, but I swear that tomorrow I can get you a human, how about that?”
“Okay, bro. A fresh, dirt-free human actually seems like it would be even tastier. However, if you call someone to try to kill me, it’ll be your doom. I’ll kill everyone who comes and you together, and then I kill a human every time I get hungry, Capisce?”
“I will keep my word, I’ll come back alone.”
At the hospital, they asked several questions about my severed fingers, and I said I didn’t remember, that I had fallen asleep drunk and woke up like that. My alcohol breath prevented them from calling the police, they probably didn’t want to stress themselves out either. Returning home, I heard some screams coming from my room:
“Die, you piece of shit!”
I approached slowly, listening for the sound. The Pizza apparently lied and went after another victim. Another sentence came from behind the door:
“I fucked your mother all night, I did a favor to your father, it was her first orgasm ever!”
I opened the door slowly, shaking with fear. In front of me, the most bizarre scene I have ever witnessed, and I’ve already been to a furry convention once. The Pizza was on the computer desk, playing Fortnite. The cheese had stretched and was pressing the keys, serving as fingers, the phone and microphone were stuck to its head with the cheese stretched out.
“Fucking Camper! You would get destroyed on a fair fight!”
He took the headset off after he died in the game and looked at me:
“What´s uuuuup! Where is the human you promised me?”
“I just got back from the hospital, I’ll get one tomorrow.”
“But I’m still hungry. Stretch your arm, I think your entire hand will solve my problem.”
The Pizza approached after the threat, my heart almost exploding with nervousness. Would I be able to run with my foot bandaged? No… The earlier attempt had been pathetic enough to make me accept the cruel fate. The cheese caressed my face, I closed my eyes praying for it to end soon.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m satisfied already. If I were to eat another piece of human, I would get sick to my stomach, it would just be gluttony. I have to maintain my slim figure, don’t I?”
“Y-yes.”
“Relax, man, stop shaking. Tomorrow you get that hot fresh human for me.”
I lay down on my bed, having trouble sleeping. How would I get a person to come over? If I called a friend of mine, I would become a suspect, and keeping the body in the freezer would make me easily arrested in the first investigation. Tinder? I laughed, it had been a while since any girl had agreed to go out with me, even though I clicked on match with EVERYONE who appeared within a 50-mile radius of me. That’s when the idea came. I always got hit on at the parties I went to, but the compliments were from men. I don’t know what they saw in me, but apparently, I have a charm for people of the same sex as me. So the next day I installed Grindr. Of course I felt terrible, as if I were Dahmer in person, but I consoled myself by concluding that, given the situation, it was either that or the Pizza would kill a human every time it felt hungry.
I arranged a meeting directly at my house, which was accepted after some persuasion. I drugged the man’s drink, and he fell soundly asleep minutes later. The Pizza then approached, the cheese began to stretch infinitely as more teeth emerged from the middle of the dough. A bite took out a piece of the skull, leaving the brain exposed. In about 3 more bites, the Pizza was satisfied. I then stored the rest of the body in my freezer.
The human flesh lasted a month. Once a day, a part of the body was thawed and the Pizza was fed. I don’t know if the entire body will be used with the next victim, after all, there were parts of it that the pizza didn’t like very much.
I think this is my life now. I live with an inconvenient killer Pizza. It spray-painted #pineappleflavoursmatters on my living room wall. I will never be able to have a normal life again, or receive visitors. I feel like if I don’t get the monthly sacrifice, the Pizza will exterminate all of humanity. I hope it doesn’t get bored playing Fortnite, or that it is able to find another hobby. I’ve already downloaded Lol and Wow on my PC to see if it plays, but it seems like the Pizza is more of an FPS guy. I hope that at least it keeps its part of the deal, and that I’m able to continue getting the sacrifice without being arrested.
After all, I think that the Pizza is immortal, as the cheese is as fresh as the day I ordered it, and when it opens to talk or eat it looks like there’s a black hole that can absorb everything it touches. I don’t want to ever find out if the Pizza is indeed capable of ending mankind, because I think it is. I’m sorry everyone. If one day there is a Pizza committing genocide, run as far away from it as you can, believe the news. This is not a joke.