I lived in Soviet Russia and it was a cold night. I was bored watching the television like a boomer. I couldn’t hear it so I got the tv remote and turned the volume up on the tv but nothing changed, I kept pressing it and pressing it but again nothing changed. I pressed it a final time before realizing something was changing in the corner of my eye, through the window. I saw something terrifying. I didn’t want to believe it at first so I ignored it then went again to try and turn the volume up on my tv. I turned my head sideways to the left out of my window and saw it… the moon was getting larger or closer or both every time I used that volume button and it freaked me out.
So what did I do? I tried turning the volume down on my tv to see if that would make the TV quieter, no nothing happened, I did it again whilst looking up at the sky the moon didn’t change it was still three times larger than what it usually looks like. What was happening when I tried turning it down though? I tried reducing the volume a few more times then I realized what was happening. My middle finger was growing. I was scared as fuck at this point, I must be high or I must be in a dream. I tried pinching myself but it didn’t work. My middle finger was twice as long as what it used to be, is this some kind of joke I thought, whilst my inner evil side was telling me that it was a good thing that I could swear at someone with my hand twice as good as before. Was the fuck was going on? I didn’t want to fuck myself up anymore but I needed to experiment so I tried to use the channel changing buttons on my remote.
I tried to hit the channel up on my remote. It was as I predicted, no response from my TV at all, I looked outside, no difference to the moon, I looked at my double length middle finger, no difference. What changed? I hit it a few more times and I felt something strange. There was a tight feeling on my right hand, my right arm was very slowly shrinking. I couldn’t believe it. I was so disturbed I started to cry because my body was now actually fucked up. I didn’t want to use that remote anymore but my curiosity got the better of me so I had to try the opposite to channel up, which of course was channel down.
I hit the button, this time I noticed a difference without hitting it multiple times straight away. I felt dizzy, slightly but enough to tell. I hit it again to just see if it would affect me again… it did. The room was spinning a bit but not so much that I felt like passing out or anything. There is no way this isn’t a dream, it’s just not possible otherwise it would be on the news about the moon getting closer or larger but nope my TV was stuck on the shitty film channels that don’t broadcast anything good like they used to.
I went online to check the news, social media or anything else that was my intention but I never got there as I found myself back on my bed lying down with my eyes closed.
Was it a dream? Yes, my body was normal. Thank god, I looked outside, the moon was still there but normal sized and how it should be. The TV however was extremely loud so I picked up and went to turn the volume down but I stopped myself… instinctively. I was scared to use that remote but I thought to myself, it was just a dream right… it was just a dream I’m being silly now so I went to turn the volume down, it didn’t work… My worst nightmares were now reality as my middle finger became tense. I looked at it but it didn’t seem to look any different. I couldn’t risk it so I opened my window and threw my remote outside and it smashed on the concrete below. BIG MISTAKE.
I should have tried the power button, or any other way to solve my problem but i was acting dumb, after the remote hit the floor and smashed, my head was spinning at a million miles an hour, my middle finger smashed through my bedroom window and the moon was crashing down into earth, my finger penetrated the moon and my body flew towards it like it was being used as a grappling hook. As my right arm diminished into my body, my body started diminishing but my left arm was growing with my middle finger. My head was spinning so fast that my body started spinning too, the moon was spinning on my finger and going so fast that it caught fire. I felt heat, burning and intense pain. My brain was inside the moon and my middle finger was still growing far beyond the universe crashing inside multiple different alien planets. I was the destroyer of worlds but for the extreme pain I was in no way of feeling like I was going to die.
The moon was still growing also, it was consuming the universe but it was spinning through my middle finger like a wrecking ball. The speed was uncalculated and impossible but it was happening. In all of the chaos and destruction through all of the shit that was happening a thought entered my mind… this was not a dream, this was reality and thought that there was no way back, no return journey and my fate was sealed. Something strange happened, everything stopped, time itself prevented any more chaos. My brain was at the core of the moon and had grown alongside the moon, and my colossus universe expanding finger was my only tool, the rest of my body was nothing. So there I was stuck… stuck just there with nothing but emptiness. It was hell that I was and hell that I never imagined.
Millions of years passed and I was still here, all I could do was think, just think and think some more. I could do nothing. My middle finger grew to the point where I couldn’t move it anymore as it had burst out of the 100th dimension. It was over for life itself. The only thing left in the universe was my brain, the moon itself merged with it and my brain was just there. After all this time being doomed like this there is nothing left to tell but to just think about my previous life and how I just wanted to adjust my TV volume. I then thought, what if this was a story… What would the moral of it be? The only joy and happiness came to me in the answer of a useless question… the moral of the story is that in Soviet Russia… remote controls you.